Being adopted is like being a gladiator, in an arena trying to put together some LEGO life with none of the items you need to do so and a crowd all around who acts like they have all the instructions and they just yell them at you while you stand in the arena trying to build your own life denied anything that is yours while your Mom watches in silence. Gagged.
So many well wishers who know better than me what’s best for me? Sooooo many opinions of how to do it all. Not even reunions are left out.
I’ve always ever wanted my Mama back.
And adoption didn’t help me love anyone anymore than I do, god did that. And it wasn’t learning love that was needed it was navigating so much miscommunications around who I am.
Who asked me what I wanted?
Most of what I wanted got taken from me which excuse me, really took the wind out of my sails. 😢
Adoption. Separation from Mama. Removal from my family unit. People opinions. Really upset me.
And now. My own Mama is checked out still in some no-tell motel Adoption check her into and won’t let her out because the prisons in her mind with rules that…… ugh. I’m done. Explaining.
Sure. Adoption is not a great gps app. It’s like some kind of crazy maze that children get dropped into like mice and expected to find our way.
Mama did not get any better directions than me.
Which also shows that Adoption has nothing regulated. It’s all willy nilly.
And yes. Disorganization pisses me off to no end! And it would be so fantastic to poke Adoption in the eye with my own Mama by me poking too. Two is better than none.
And yes. Adoptions made a big mess. I’ve illustrated this here. And believe me if I could really just say it was great! I would!!
And all the silence from my family won’t change it. All it does is make us all look stupid if we don’t resolve it and move forward together and no longer apart.
I want to go see Mama. But? Police being called and sister calling me names? Do they want to work it out? Or ignore it?
And being ignored is getting so old.
But whether my Mamas at the end of this road or not is up to her. But she’ll have as much info as I can give her before she truly makes a decision. Fully informed and not given some half assed half baked up idea that I’ve lived with for years and would like to improve?
Without closure no wound heals and that’s a fact.
I’m just over my Mama telling me she’s ok when clearly she’s not and I’m done being blamed for it.
Once I’ve moved along and am done barfing this all up, mama will have nothing because she did nothing but block a good thing.
It’s not that I am saying my Mom is stupid. No. But she was mislead to believe that I would just be ok with the arrangement and I was not ok with it.
And I’m not saying that I would not have just loved to forget my original Mom if that was even possible. But that even reads bad because most people don’t even consider such a thing. Except? You guessed it. Adoptees.
Forever placed on pause. Our Moms will never be ready?
I do wish to ask God why? Why do some Mamas not love their children enough to keep them and how can we help make it better?