What do I want? I’ve denied my wanted and need for that matter so long? It’s like a knee jerk reaction met with a well worn pattern that’s been taught over the original urge. It’s sick and twisted to come out of.
People? Get shocked. What did she just say?
She was such a _________ ,full in the blank, before? What happened? Well? It’s took me awhile but to get my second wind back after adoption knocked the first wind out! thank you! And boy does it pack a wallop!
It is much like I’ve described before when a child is hit or hits something and they open their mouths and nothing comes out and then boy does it come out loud! It’s like that. But you’re not a baby anymore so people think you have gone mad? They can’t seem to see why you’re all upset after so longgggggg?
I’ve always felt this way. I had to hold it in. Only god knew really I guess? Silence can show wisdom. And boy did I have some wisdom to tell Mama. All. Nearly filled and crossfiled and tagged. Like a bookkeeping maniac who only had a pray and a wing. That’s me.
What? I can speak up now? It’s time? To tell? Scary in a world that thinks your Mama nothing? A world that can’t see how much she mattered to me and how much her absence mattered to me.
My own daughter. Proof that she matters, now. Married and a home owner because my Mama spent her time to help? Where’s my help? Seems I’m the reason adoptions on my list of things to check off the list and it’s all my fault? Funny. That’s a funny one there.
It’s so great when your own Mama can have faith to help your kids and none to help you? Ok? Whatever. She’s 81. The year I graduated high school. My Mama Jean didn’t think I’d make it? Thanks Mama Jean for the vote of confidence. I graduated for Mama and Daddy even though they didn’t attend. I knew they were proud of me.
The Mama and Daddy I speak of were the ones in me who knew the odds stacked against me. They knew what I had to go through to graduate. Despite the popular idea of me I defied the odds. Even got married. Had children. Raised them mostly on my own.
Men. Seemed to complicate it. So many fears laid on me that I’ve overcome by god grace.
So many people telling me how to be. Linda. So many. Who had me all wrong due to adoption. How could anyone even know my potential? Seriously?
People don’t believe adoptees when we tell our stories. They can’t seem to believe that strangers did the things they did and were not better parents just different parents. And that adoption added a sort of confusion that just spoiled the recipe that we must fix. Most let alone. Our parents no not the way forwards after reunion.
Many. So over taken with lies like weeds strangling out what is within and twisting it all to hell and back. And then we get blamed for pointing it all out? Lovely. Just lovely.
If. My Mama really took a moment and realized she had been fooled everything I’ve written would make sense. Adoption muds the Mamas view is what I’ve experienced. She’s so gun shy and she’ll shocked to even comprehend what her heart has always known.
Government ruled and sanctioned lying has mind fucked our Mamas. Mine told me to my face she wasn’t my Mama? I had to remind her about my blood that links me to her? That’s how deep it goes? Families fight the adoptee instead of the system that failed their child? It’s systemic corruption at the core to the family dynamic all around for all parties.
Like GMO. Fake as hell and no good for the anyone.
Thinking on your own? Means kicking everyone out that told you what your own heart said no too. Being forced to speak lines over and over and over that you don’t back with a true endorsement of free will participation and approval.
Many of the things I’ve said had to be said to shock people especially my Mama out of her funk.
Mamas spirit will live on. But not in the body she has now. And it’s important that she and I get this ironed out before it’s to late to make it right. I want this for her too. I want order restored to her mind body and spirit.
I wanted better for all of us then what adoption did. The reunions the most important part of any story. It’s the moment of closure that we all work for in any relationship. I refuse to have regrets stemming from apathy and lack of taking action when actions needed. 20+ years is a while to lament and limp like this?
I know Mamas mad cuz she wasn’t prepared and thinks “oh well? What can be done?” There’s a lot to be done. But we must begin doing it and not staying in a stand still. Spinning our wheels and making God look bad for it.
I’ve been five years free tongued. No applause. No thank you good job girl. Just crickets. Well? I’ll move on. And then. They will see. Always happens hindsight is 20-20 isn’t it? Yep. It’s sure is.