It’s not easy digging yourself out of an early grave.

But I’m trying. Mamas just lived with me basically dead my whole life.

You are supposed to tell your Mama the truth.

It took me years to allow God to dig this out.

And I finally just blurt it out and tell Mama and she rejects me again and again?

Peace talks? My whole life is spent these days trying to mediate what I didn’t even start?

And my Mama treats me like the enemy?

I guess she just had no idea where she sent me?

That I had stuff my feelings so long. That the people my Mama gave me to never got me the help I needed because no one could see or wanted to see a girl that homesick.

Basically treated like a doll on a shelf and no one even thought I would mind? Priceless.

I’ve spent years trying to identify my feelings and what they stemmed from.

Adoption was all I knew to be the cause of my pain. And I’ve not wavered one bit in all my 56 years.

Stomach issues can lead to tooth decay. I’ve had stomach issues my whole life. And even thought I work hard to take care of my teeth they still fail me.

You know? This blog reminds me of scratching a on a person wall.

My feelings bubble up and I scribble it out. It’s like sweating. And writing would have healed me when I was young but no one encouraged me? So strange to be so deferred and yet I was denied and simplest not seen and definitely not heard due to the silent game. 😩

I wonder what I sounded like growing up? But it seemed like I did not make sense to the parents my Mama gave me to which seems problematic to adoptions claims.

Even now some folks have a problem with my truth saying. Although I’ve gotten way better at it and get to the point sooner.

Not with Adoption though. This idea is such a closure fuck of delusions that it’s hard to track and mark and describe and labor it all. So many flaws. And extra steps. Missed marks. Missed cues. Missed matched.

Why do we think that those who have not carried us can do better? While my Mama made me my Adoptive Mama was going to cocktail parties and playing bridge. What would she know of me and my needs? I’m not some plug and play electronic. I don’t even have a manual? 😩

This is what you get when well meaning people who don’t know shit about shit try to mess with a good thing. I’m a good thing. So many hands in my life twisting this and that and I’m the one who’s left with ironing it out the wrinkles made

and explaining it to Mama? Thanks. Thanks.

The child gets to explain why this doesn’t work? Why kids should be kept. That Mamas can get counseling and support to keep us and love the piece of them that came to be.

I mean I wasn’t a burnt pit of soup?

The recipe could have been saved had Mama had more options available at the time? I see. But I don’t want to see it anymore for anyone else.

Abortions not the only other option. I’m so sick of that.

Pro live means being prepared. It’s means educations. Support systems that work and are designed with the people who are to benefit getting all chances of success. And adoption is so half baked. Even Mama can see that now as I point out all the flaws. And trauma. Even pointing out her traumas called something else now. Misdiagnosed all around people. Way off in it all.

Digging. Digging. Digging.

And Mamas looks at me like I am a ghost and I’m alive and well and ready to go forward. But this shits got to be cleared up before we can do that. She won’t see me clearly until she accept that this is what Adoption gave us both and it’s up to us to change that for the better now that we can.

Adoption just makes Mamas lazy thinking they got a hall pass forever. Once a Mama always a Mama. God designed it that way and Adoption doesn’t change that ever. It’s just writes over the top of a perfectly good story to be and twists it all up and then hands it back to the Mama in the end.

Seem like a sick game of chance that was turned into another gamble?

It’s like Adoption says God doesn’t know what God is doing?

But I think we are the ones who don’t know what we are doing.

I can’t stop the way I feel. So I’m just gonna feel what I feel and write it down until I feel another way which hasn’t changed since Mama went away so? Not sure.

The only thing me and Mama have not done is sit down and hash it out till it’s done. There’s no commitment except with me who keeps coming back to clean this up finding no Mama who wants to work it out. No. That does not make me happy about that.

I have joys in my life. But why share that if joy is the only thing I am allowed to share? Jesus wept. And yet I’ve been denied the freedom to weep a loss no ones getting over. The loss of a Mama is felt ten times more when she’s alive and well and not with you and no one tells you the real reason why is no one gave a shit enough to support her for me.

I took the hit for that one.

I don’t want to have health issues due to traumas. And this is what each adopted child faces.

And the only remedy I desire is Mamas whole heart. For her to remove the governor and let her heart just love me. But she won’t try? My sisters won’t help? No ones really helping me but me.

So in the end. Mamas aren’t that big a deal if they can just tap out. Is that what this world wants me to think? Cuz that’s what I am looking at right now?

Either Moms are a big deal or not. We don’t get to just jerk it around and do whatever. That’s where free will isn’t free. Because it cost me what Mama did for her. K.

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