At every stroke of the brush

Onto the canvas of my life, filled with not paint but nail polish remover I myself have witnessed the power of my own Mama moving through the blood within me removing the white wash and showing herself to all that meet me.

I am the complete edition of Linda and Huey and folks have felt me incomplete due to not realizing what they actually felt was I was out of place. Something was off about me.

And I felt held in an alter reality and yet connected to my original reality that seemed to call to me from the wind? Like an urge to run or just get up and go but I was held back.

I’ve always describe myself as a horse held in a stall? Like a race horse chomping at the bit to race and run free. Even if for a while. To win.

And this blog is proof that I’m not ever gonna stop talking about Mama. And this is all I’m left to discuss and work out is all around the questions and feeling a I’ve felt all along.

Maybe Mamas trust is that broken after all this between us? It feel like I am dancing around it. It’s large the issues are connected to so many misinformation’s and I’m telling my side and Mama is struck dumb for some reason and back peddling for all she’s worth?

And I’m trying for all I am worth to use all the tools I’ve learned along the way to help her over this hurdle of some sort. Yes. What I say has appeared to upset her. What I would like to point out is that by the way she’s reacted is pretty sure that I touched a raw nerve and didn’t cause it.

Mama calls sore spots buttons. Like don’t poke me there and there is where we must poke to alleviate the discomfort. She’s unable to truly let go of me, due to I am making some kind of sense. Because I got a nerve and am working that nerve she’s feeling again.

Each day I write she’s able to cry less or more. And maybe accept the wounds she has run from or has been misdiagnosed as real instead of projecting them on me. My adoption and relinquishment caused the pain. Not me. She’s never owned her losses. How can she see a win if she can’t accept that there was a loss?

It’s simple mental bookkeeping. As I sort her mind out and set it straight about it all and show my family right where the source is so they can be helpful in Mamas recover. Loosing a child is a terrible thing even if you did it to yourself unknowingly ignorant of what that decision really would mean to her mind body and spirit after the fact.

It’s like Mama peeks through me. Comes out of me. And it freaks people out. I do hold a torch for her and have presented all the cases set against her by many well wishers trying to help me? Help me would have been listen and get me home. But you all did not.

I grew up wanting home and facing the fact that no one cared to help me. Which? Is kind of still true now. Except now I can report it in real time here. Any evidence was taken from me. Records from doctors. Stories have been told to me about surgeries. I’m tired of trying to believe it’s not true when I always knew folks were not telling me the whole truth.

Maybe now my kids will realize why I got so upset when they would lie? So many lies. All I could do was hold onto was Mama and Daddy and myself within the body they made for me. There was no time for comparisons and observations of parents behaviors? It’s was balls to the walls survival instincts and do what comes naturally to protect yourself and gain trust of the new people. Survive.

And yes. Folks played my trauma down all day long and poo poo’d it away diagnosing it as other things. No one believed it was due to adoption? No!

And no ones even talked about the affects of living basic lies for our lifetime on us? Folks want to talk to me about truth? I guess I was mistaken for a dumb dumb if my family thought I didn’t see through this for miles and miles? Tom foolery with my family? Not ok.

Adoption is nothing more than government sanctioned parental approved church backed human trafficking! Gods not in it at all except helping us children survive to tell our tales so it can change? We worry about sweat shop workers? And yet allow this to perpetuate?

The one thing gaining me traction is I am not backing down and telling the basic same story many different ways showing all of the flaws along my way and still maintains hope in the face of facing this is what my truth got me?

Lesson. Don’t hold that tongue. Speak up now. And help see that children adopted have been stripped of their human rights to choose. Adoption steps in the way and say no no no and that’s no ok. The book says let no one put asunder heya god brings together. The book also attests to the fact the God stitched ya together and is within our Mamas womb while we grow within. Either we believe that or we don’t?

The Catholic Church is one of the worst offenders of these laws. Knowing the truth and denying the power their under. Having a form of godliness and denying that power. Sounds about right.

Children are being trafficked legally away from parents through adoption practices and then we cry when a child goes missing and can’t be found? Seriously people? Coo coo.

I watch a movie today about Johnny Gocsh. The whole world was upset and his mother never gave up. She still works to help people at the other end of the stick of abduction.

My Mama is his Mama once she’s out of the woods and healed. She will help many more out than she helped into adoptions arena and I am her missing link to do it being fully back with truth.

I’m just throwing the kitchen sink at Mama and what’s needed will stick and it all will fall into place and she will see this big picture I’m painting away to reveal what’s underneath. What was original and still is. Adoption rules don’t apply any longer for us now.

She can scream and yell and cry and stomp. And get it all out and know I won’t run away. I get it and want to get it. That I see here. That years of lies did not taint my view. Earning her trust back from the claws of Adoption rhetoric. So she can see straight. Set at straight like an arrow. Her power now increased by mine to bring change to her people, the bio Mama left behind who’s still connected and can’t let go cuz we are pieces if our Mamas.

Precious things do get recovered. Even if the world said they weren’t. God knows. God does not make junk.

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