Mama. Sometimes…

Sometimes

You got to shake your hips.

Sometimes

You got to give um a little lip

Sometimes

You have to grind at that pole

Sometimes

You got to work it and sweat

Sometimes

You must cause a ruckus

Sometimes

You got to flag down some attention

Sometimes

You jerk around and yell hey you!!!’

Sometimes

Your actions, alarming!! Disarming!

Sometimes

All you got to do is get real, twist that heel and dig it in and make your marks, strokes of the brush God gave you, add the colors to a black and white painting.

Cause some fainting.

Go ahead!!! Rearrange it!!

Life’s a puzzle

Be a big thinker

Open those eyes.

Wide lens it.

Zoom into the pixels

Change the colors

Dab dab dab

Zoom out again

Observe it

Zoom into the pixels

Change emotions

Zoom out observe it

Like a human machine.

Like a fine art restorer

Calling it all back from his grave

Clarity

Showing with full color expressions

Like exposing yourself from under the painting of others.

Returning the pixels to their proper colors changes the photo all together.

Don’t ask me what I just wrote. Look into what I wrote to find your own messages.

This note is to my Mamas and you too.

We all can change.

Find redemption

Redirect what was directed away

God. Much like me. Keeps coming back around until we get it right.

Mama and I will be over this when Mama agrees to let go of our past.

I am respecting her free will as she did not respect mine which is a very valuable gift.

Respect the gift that was given to her from God is what’s being asked of her. And her flesh struggles to let go of a past script and life without me. Not an easy task for her.

I’ve asked her to shift her gears. I’ve asked her to throw many ideas away. I’ve shown her the truth so she can ground finally into a more rounded reality of what she signed up for in ink back in the day.

She’s saying goodbye to the old ways without me and laying them to rest. That’s not easy. She’s carried a lot that needed to be laid down, and should be feeling some ease on her emotions as she does this. We’ve faced the demons together at last.

I’ve come through for her like she had forgotten she needed. I know also the soar places that needed my touch and recognition. Acceptance. Like saying, yes, I know. I accept anyway. It’s quite formal the way Gods got us courting each other.

And it’s surreal. As Mama sees my father completely now through the lens of me that God created and gave to her to do as she willed with. Yet God brought me back around?

That’s what’s so interesting about it?

And that’s what’s so interesting about my blogging. It’s had an affect on me. Mamas silence has only had a drawing power on all the bitterness that seemed to hold us both back. I means she’s not moving towards me. Fact.

And we can blame all day on this or that. And Mamas been doing that for years. I’m pinning this down and kind of demanding that we resolve this issue in a very detailed and meticulous way. So she understands fully why our unions is key to the health and well being of all in our family cluster.

Our separateness must end and in fact has ended and yet my family act like nothing’s changed? Business as usual and I’m not invited? Well ok? But what about what my children feel? My son who’s in his 30’s saw his grandma? And left shaking his head? He’s not as impressionable as Chelsie. He’s got a mind of his own and I’ve only told him what’s going on and he can make up his own mind about it. He was not impressed by his Aunts words for me and felt it much hopeless to proceed?

He did not like hearing his Aunt call me a cunt or crazy and unwelcome. Drama that we went there to defuse, and that Victoria fueled with her rash assessment of her own sisters sanity?

I would like to also state that I didn’t start the crazy talk anyway? I am the one confronting it. I am facing my families sad assessment of me. Facing their issues with my past with Mama. Facing the facts that my family struggles with healthy family relations and supporting free expression knowing gods grace goes on it all.

The one person no one could ask at the time of my birth what I wished was me. Now. I’m speaking up and asking for what I want now and making it very clear about the rules of our engagements. Truth. I did not like seeing my family act in such a fashion when I needed them most. How long must I wait in line for a slice of my own Mamas pie people?

I’m not a china doll placed on a shelf and moved where folks wish to see me? I’m alive and have desire of my own. This is one of the things the parents involved in adoption seem to not see? It’s like all their desires are superimposed on us and we are expected to follow to the letter. What about the desire of the child? What about us? I wanted Mama. The devil be damned!

I wanted her. The world told me I could have her. I went to God. Grew and up and was as good as I could be. And God gave her back to me without her permission. Mamas fighting with God. Not me. She’s fighting the flesh that’s gotten rigid from holding herself a certain way. It’s not natural for a Mama not to be able to adapt and get folks to man their new stations.

I’ve been breaking it down for her to remember who she is to me too. Not just them. Meaning my family and sisters. She’s valuable to me. That’s a good thing. And they know now maybe? How hard I’ve prayed to have this moment to publicly state my truest feelings about it all.

I’ve come to the conclusions. And love my family anyway. They are adjusting to a change that happened back in 1963. It’s kind of like being let out of prison for a crime you did not commit. For us all. It’s like seeing Adoption differently. If folks want to Adopt hey must recognize the unity of all parties involved. And realize they have sworn loyalty to our highest good and must share us. They don’t own our stories. They do affect them.

I’m working for a better affect for us all and not this slam dunk of a reunion shit hole here like me and Mama. It’s inevitable. So? Why reroute is at all? And if our rights are to be taken then we need to be paid for our efforts at trying to live a normal life as an obvious abnormal. We should get compensation for this life choice.

And every Mama should back that up. Soon. It will be common knowledge what I speak of here. And Adoptions days are numbered as it is conducted today. Anger is an energy used during times of change. And my Mama says I’m loaded with it. Place anger in Gods hands? Good luck with that one. Kind of sounds like Babylons going down to me?

Tyrannical ideas based on inaccurate scriptural stories and their interpretations. The tyrant should always pay before a child should. The tyrant is a consenting adult. A child’s rights were violated in Moses case and we perpetuate more of the same and have Enacted a huge Mose moment here in our history on many levels, we’ve missed a mark here. Point. Point.

When will we face the tyrants? We print we the people on money and deny our own power for change? Sad. I’m a people. And I’m standing here alone facing the tyrant idea of Adoption with a phone. Moses would be proud.

This issues not a meme type of quickly fix it slam a door anymore? My crying went deep. Now it’s a roar. Now I’m on a mountain top collecting more commandments to remind folks why they wandered? They made a baby have to grow up in the enemies house to lead them to wander and complain even more? They had to be told where to shit? Pathetic!!

Think about Moses? Growing up playing a prince and knowing he wasn’t? Guess he acted well? In the end who was he loyal too? God and his people? Even if they all were like caged animals. He knew God could help them do better than keep being lead astray.

Sometimes usually always. It’s best to side with god and just say what comes to you because at some point people begin to see what you’re saying. Takes time to chip away at old ideas. It’s not as easy yet to just delete it like an app on the phone. But we will get there and are getting there.

Everyone should do the work I am doing on their own Mamas so they stay up to date. We keep our Mamas and family relevant when we share our side however hard it is to explain.

Adoption and the practice yo adopt are being brought to the microscope. By we Adoptees who have kept the faith. I am here as a light to shine on those who have been struggling in their faith to go home to their Mama. I’m picking away here to show you it can be done.

Ready yourselves. And keep hope alive. I want us all to go home. I feel we need to support all efforts to do so. Do we need a club or are we already a club? And out theme is our Mamas and families. Our reunions must be support. It’s for our highest good. And if it’s good for us then it’s good for our adoptive parents unless they sucked at parenting then that’s on them. Not us.

We should no longer be denied our own families. And yes changes the whole game.

I’ll say this. To bad. The truth we all have experiences will obliterate all the fairytales people tried to have on our dimes. We adoptees know what we need. Get out of our way. People ought not to mess with Child’s lives like this. It turns them into dangerous leaders who lead people with sticks and phones.

I admit. I’m ahead of the wave. And people just have a hard time seein changes coming. But Mama taught me to be ready at any second. Even she could change. And she can change back. Just like every Mama can.

But she needed the full 411. Because that’s how my Mama rolls. Full report. All angles. Complete assessment of this brilliant idea from long ago. No thank you I would not like another. Please.

We must remember that adoption is a complex idea that’s drying to deal with a moral and mental issue about the legitimacy of children and to insure a child has a home. We’ve abandoned or never considered the idea of supporting the mother and child and forming support for her highest education on how to raise her own child well? We just throw the child to someone else thinking this is an educated choice??

No no no as I have written to prove here my Mama was not educated of the consciences of her choice, on me or her? No support offered for transitioning? As if theirs no difference to being born and taken home? We are like a new organ to the new family for god sakes people take pills to keep a new organ and adoptees and their family’s get nothing via adoption industry supportive services? Insane!! Not to mention bad customer service! To all of us!!

I’m just the bearer of bad news? The good news is that we can do better. And should do better. I’ve been dealing with people in city, state office that keep saying, “that’s just how we’ve always done it?” Well honey that needs to change. It’s lazy and Involved. How does Amazon get better without reviews and adjustments in devices to customers? I’m an Adoption customer. I’m 56 years vested in the industry practices. I’ve experienced adoption at the core.

I admit to most people who do not know an adoptee as a close friend, my words sound quite crazy. Now imagine me having to live with such nonsense. Never thought of it like that? Well do please try it. Feeling like a pawn in Adoption game. Hunger games. Yep. And we faith fight for our lives. And took the fall so our sisters and brothers did not have too. Many the whole family was lost to adoption.

I remember when I was searching for my sisters birth certificate at the county recorders office for where she was born. The woman who waited on me. So strange. Was recently reunited with her 6 siblings. All adopted out at the revenge of the father on their Mama. Separated. She told me her story. And then gave me Victoria’s birth certificate uncertified. Told me to hide it so no one could see. Wow.

Gods given me some good inside tracks back to Mama for sure. I went back later to find Elizabeth and the woman was gone. Hope she did not get fired. But thank you for being my Angel that day. I was pregnant with Chelsie at the time. And her middle name would be linked to my eldest sister who I found first.

If Mama sentimental? Then I’m her on steroid about family. How she is about kitchen gadgets. I am about my family. OCD. I’m cleaning everyone pipe out so we can smoke to peace in this realm.

As much cigarette and Ganga I’ve smoked I’m very connected to the great spirit beyond Christianity’s ideas. Back to the roots. Back to God before indoctrination’s. To be humble is to be grounded. I’m as low as a person can go. Yet gods taken me higher in my mind to see the big picture about Mamas in this world and their worth and necessity to the children born of her womb for a reason.

What Mama thought was some fly by nighter just putting his hand in her cookie jar ended up being a pretty good combo. Dynamic I’ve been told. Guess Daddy had some gifts Mama could see until I grew up to show her. Lol. 💋

She’s such a sore winner I’d say. Kind of crazy if you ask me?

Sometimes. You do what’s sane and end up crazy Mama. That’s life. Adoption made a good argument and I’ve grown up to refute it publicly. Seems like you won anyway. And Mama Jean won anyway? Seems we all won anyway, except Adoption? Adoptions going down friends. Per my recommendations.

Children need to be kept with families. It’s detours a child’s growth. Makes it harder to understand life when brought yo in a lie. Paper changed nothing for me but my location. I’ve love Mama the whole way even if I was angry at her many times. I forgave along the way. I just remember very well and can make you yet reading about it. That’s your own forgiveness needed calling you to forgive yourselves and others.

Mama must forgive herself for not knowing what God knew would be. And accept her own Moses is leading the fold now to our promised land. Xox

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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