Mama Jeans lucky.

Due to being adopted, I’m way more sensitive to the needs that were not met in myself and, and, I’m not doing like she did me. Which is rare in itself.

I’ve articulated my feelings. Which is a success!! Ask my children. I’ve got a damn temper!! And Ive lashed out. I’ve not wanted too. No. But the rage I’ve held seeped out and spilled over into them. Did I just keep lashing out? I’ve had my spells while they grew up. Yes.

Anger is had to contain. It’s got to be channeled right. Words spoken precisely to pinpoint the issues.

Mama Jean has a temper. So that’s where that goes. And add my own frustrations growing up as a mismatched pair? Yeah. I’ve had to work my anger off. All I knew growing up was it hurt bad. What? That I had to figure out and pull back up to see. And it took me 50 years.

Adoption gave me a wound that won’t heal until Mamas set straight. And that wound hurts daily as a reminder of what I’m here to do. Patch it back up for Daddy with Mama. So Mama can see me right at last.

Will I succeed? It’s not about that. It about efforts. Efforts that God sees in me and will reward. Mama is like God to me. I don’t worship her. She’s valuable to my whole being.

Mamas are valuable to everyone. Hit. Miss. It matters to us. I’m here helping Mama hit the mark right this time. She’s not alone per-say, making this decision alone. I was but an infant when she made this decision. And I pray she sees hopefully all that she missed at 25 now, about me.

Here’s a letter I found the other day in the safety deposit box. Seems I struggled to participate vocally. Guess I am a late bloomer thanks to adoption.

Help? That’s funny. They wrote me off!! That’s ok Colusa schools. I made it anyway. Despite my own Mamas dim view of my capabilities.

Speech therapy. Discontinued? Dropping balls all day for someone Adoption was supposed to save? Please.

Yes. It’s bitter sweet. And Mama Jean is lucky. Her friends languish in homes while she gets to sit in her own chair and complain and drink gin? Seems Linda did pretty good for her too if you think about it?

Found this one too. A receipt for I imagine my birth certificate? So strange. John Gray bought it? So much effort and Mama just keeps throwing it away? Pretending like it doesn’t matter?

$2. Ouch. I’ve paid way more than that living without Mama for sure. It’s taken a tole in my body mind and spirit to be treated in such a fashion.

Mama Jean has no idea who she was adopting at the time. But she knows and sees how lucky she is now. As I give her the respect I never got growing up. As she sees me fully now in all my own glories and failings.

She never really thought I had an opinion due to the quiet game she made me play. She had no idea I would take it to heart? She had no idea that one day I wouldn’t play that game anymore.

That’s to bad. Because I took it all to heart and so did God within me.

And it hurt. But I don’t back down when even my own Mamas push me down. I get back up and go again and again. I’ve got something to say and they need to finally listen to me. I’ve listen to them long enough.

It’s my turn to speak.

This kind of thing happens to adoptees all the time. We just have no one to tell that will truly listen and help us? That’s clear to see and yet folks hide their eyes, call it something else because facing what’s done seems so hard?

Try being me. Then you’ll know hard.

Forced into a love triangle I can’t win at unless the rules get changed. I won’t cheat myself any longer. And that’s the truth.

Adoptees get cheated. We don’t cheat. The rules are subjective and all over the place. And our human right get violated. The rules are going directly against human nature.

I’m not gonna say it ok when I know exactly how it felt and feels today. 56 years later. I still feel. I’m not dead.

Guess some folks grow dull? Well? I did not get that ability to tone it down forever.

So interesting finding out about myself in a safety deposit box? Can’t get anyone to tell me the truth? Never saw these? That letter was a surprise to me? Mama Jean plays it off like it’s nothing??weird.

A lot to process.

I can see why it took me so long to speak up.

So many people telling me what to do and how to act. Took me a while to override it.

Not sure about my family? But I’m patched up. Now they got to adjust now.

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