Being Estranged

Being estranged from your own family is strange. Being treated like your strange for caring about you’re own Mama? Stranger still.

I’ve learned a lot about how my family handles conflict these past 5 years blogging. I’ve learned a lot about how my family supports each other during my truth telling spree. Strangely.

  • I’ve learned about conditions placed on love. Conditions placed on my ability to love my own Mama after living a lifetime without her. Strange.
  • So strange to catch up with your own Mama and have her throw her strange issues on you and facing her trying to claim it’s you. Me?
  • Like? I’ve been gone. Remember? I went away and grew up without all this bullshit? Yet?
  • God still sent me back. Home anyway. Full well knowing I would trust and obey and find a royal mess of a Mama. Sad. She showed so much promise? Guess? She doesn’t know the same loving god I do?
  • I think. How strange? Adoption should have made her all better. No? I mean? I went away? Grew up without Mama? She should be pleased with her results? And yet? She does not seem pleased? Strange. So strange.
  • Chelsie now gone? So strange. I never expected Chelsie to abandon me? Or abandon her family for that matter she’s not spoken even to her brother? What did he do to deserve that? Not sure?
  • I’m still waiting for her to tell me?
  • All the time she and I spent talking about friendships and relationships? All the hours buying things at the dollar tree for her groups and she’s abandoned her own? So strange.
  • I want to send cards. But? I’m not even sure? But I know this one strange thing that’s different than Mama and me. I won’t. Can’t turn away and not look. I won’t turn Chelsie away when she finally shows up. I know she won’t stay gone forever. At some point. She will realize. Running never helps anything. It just makes it worse.
  • Time goes by. And things change. But for me? My love is still alive for her even if she’s hurt me. She’s hurting and she’s got to find her words just like I did. And when she does. I’m gonna listen even if it cuts me like a knife.
  • I hope she slices all she can and cuts whatever is between us out. I want a healthy relationship with her and? I did not get healthy from my Mamas. I did not get healthy from being adopted and forced to live some altered life.
  • And maybe? Chelsie will see. Soon. All that was put on me? That I just lived through and went on to try to be a mom anyway?
  • Hurts that after all that my own daughter was lead by my own Mama who gave me away to abandon me too. Strange? Yes. Very.
  • I pray Chelsie won’t grow up to be like my own Mama and just keep throwing her own baby out with the bath water when she comes home?
  • I wonder? If people had just told me first? That my Mama did not want me. She did not love me. Would I have even considered going home? But no. People told me she loved me so much. Then people told me? After. That she did not care about me? WTH?
  • Strange. Being estranged is strange.
  • I still dream of unity. I did not come to be strange but Adoption? Strange.
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