Just know this.

My father respected my Mamas decision. Straight up. No. Argument. At. All about that.

Which said volumes to me about how he felt about Mama. Of course. I’ve been amazed at all the men she’s known and how they respect her and care deeply for her. It’s is such an honor that God would allow me such a privilege to know my Mama through the actions of the men she knew including my own father. Like wow.

He said, “well? It’s 30 years later. And she’s have no reason by now to lie about it”. End of discussion. Then we talked for two hours nonstop. Him in a room all alone like I asked him too. What a sweetie. My first meeting and he gave all of himself to me. All of his attention. Don’t even tell me there’s no God people.

I wouldn’t have cared if he was in a trash van with me. What a moment in time. He dropped cold in his tracks. Honored my request for privacy. And opened all the way up to me Hos daughter from Linda. Like wow.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure he thought a little more about her than just sex. And I’d agree. He saw her in me the day I rolled up unannounced and knocked on his door after asking the guy at the John Deer store where he lived. šŸ¤£šŸ¤£

Oh. The look on my daddy’s face the moment he saw me standing there. I believe his heart leaped. He did not say shit to anyone and closed the door behind him. And took me all in. Hugged me. Our blue eyes locked. Facial recognitions like at an insane rate.

And we talked again for two hours. And I prayed with him and for him. God. What a god I serve to give me such a moment. I would have missed out if I didn’t go ahead a listen to that still small voice that tells when the timing is right and do what the spirit says. Which is always good and not bad. I’ve witnessed many good things after hearing a still voice say go.

I went that day and met my Dad. Mama telling me no. God was telling me yes. I see where my denim infatuation come from šŸ¤£

Any other time but that day could have proved to be a disaster. And well I had learned about that trying to not listen to that still small voice of God that always has guided me since my Mama went away. I just don’t talk about it. Gods talking to me all the time about people, their feelings. My

Body serves god and my mind as well. It’s a high calling. My life. I speak for myself. Other adoptees have their stories to tell and why. Mine was to come. Go through it. And report my findings. And encourage others to do the same so we can get a good read. A complete picture of the causes and affects. Of adoption as an option. Are there other ways and timing in choosing change over continuing to do the same old same old.

I’ve checked the pulses of many groups and single people about adoption. I’ve listened to what they know. Have taken my time to educate them and shed light. So they can truly see me for who I really am. My Mothers daughter. Adopted. Adapted. And that she still matters. Many feel ashamed after meeting me. I apologize not for my story. Ashamed because they tried to talk smack about my Mama and got told as politely as can be. While exciting at the same time. Blam. Eat that honey. Don’t call me agin til your done. A royal fuck you girl. Go grow up.

Thanks for the filth honey. Eat my soap. Blah!

It’s can be ugly at times as people unleash their opinions on me. I leave it where they coughed it up. If they want to keep thinking like that they can go and slurp it back up and swallow it.

It’s appeared to me by Mamas silence that maybe I pinned the tail on her honky?šŸ¤£

I do believe I should get an award for calling it like it is. From? Keen observations. Like Sherlock Holmes in a very nice pant suit.

Mama was so set to take it all to the grave and be done. Spoiler alert. She left a little piece at the scheme of the crime of conscription. Me. Or? Did she just amazed herself with her productions of a girl with such gumption? Maybe?

Cheshire? Beaverton. Damning it up. What?

Shit eating grin. Mama. Alice grew up. But she never forgot the dream.

Wake up. Cheshire’s are real. And your mine. Disappearing and appearing. All along the way. Why is that so crazy Mama? You are the woman I came from? You think your daughters so dumb as not to feel and sometimes see you everywhere when I was growing up girl?

Tell me why at 13 I was blaring Barbara Streisand on my brand new hitachi stereo? Who like her? You.

Why was I sing? Over and over and over?

Cuz daddy had a gift and so do you. That’s what. And I got it from you both. Mama jean don’t really like my singing. She’s honest. Whatever.

It’s not extraordinary. It’s ordinary for me to be like this. Like Lady Gaga. I was born this way. But just did not really talk about it. I did not feel safe sharing when I was young. But it was intense being this high tech sensitive growing up. Yes. I would sometimes says things. And freak people out. Let’s say that.

Things I should not have known at my age. Wisdoms. Knowings. Sensing feelings. A lot. For a young person to experience. Don’t feel guilt anymore Mama. I wanna talk to you about this and God. I feel it will really put you at ease.

You don’t seem at ease around me these days. I can understand why and yet also wonder how long it takes for you to get over it? Are you saying you have reached a limit? That grace and forgiveness have run out or something?

Like what? Why? We’ve come so far?

We’ve walked through it all. The river of denial is now dry. Rock bottom. Jesus. Love.

Where you gonna just hide? Why? And dim that light? And yes for me too. The light that’s shining for me. That you hid for some damned reason.

First day I laid eyes on you Mama. In that green pant suit. Gorgeous hair. Stylish. Was like looking at the me I myself dimmed for years. Like yeah! There she is. Yep. And watching my children run up to you. Knew who you were. Was a sight to behold for this girl.

Feel more in love with you. Duh? šŸ˜©

What else is a daughter to do? Geez people?

And? I give credit where credit is due. Even if Mamas to upset to see it right now. My Daddy cares and respected this woman. My Mama. He never said a thing and I never asked him. He just loved me and my kids. He was thoughtful towards them. Not mushy. Quiet. But what he said counted. He listened and was giving.

I never went to his funeral. I did not want to take away or make a scene. Or bring up shade at such a time. I love him still. As a daughter should no matter what. I did the same thing for the other men connected to my Mama. Out of respect. I grieved the loss in my own way. Away. As usual. And I’m ok with that. I felt it was right.

I grieve differently than many thanks to Adoption. Sue the government. They thought it was a great idea and now I’m the weird one? Whatever.

Even today. Children adopted early or late. The studies show a change. Is this change for the good of us all? Because it does have an affect on each of us adoptees. We do share affects that are common ones. Is this what we wish to create here day after day?

Do people need babies so badly? Are we incapable of making sure everyone has knowledge and protection? Don’t tell me how hard it will be? Look at us? What are we doing? About it? Blah blah blah?!!

The issues between my Mama and me are a collective one in the triad community. I am forging a way home. Once our Mamas realize the universal truths many of who are brave enough to speak! They will Motherup. Lawyer up. Change it up.

And I write for that day to come. I have a dream. It’s not just for me. My children know the dream. They came to make it real.

To the woman who is my Mama who lived in Cheshire in Beaverton. The tea party is ready. Mad hater is calling. Drink up. Drink up. Move down. Move down Mama Cheshire. Sit down for once will you you silly cat! Chelsie. Kind of sounds like Cheshire? Wants tea. She will not appear until we all sit at the table to drink.

I received all your messages Mama. Even in Alice and wonderland the movie. You’re so silly.

Walk the walls of your house Mama. Touch anything. And I am there. Try it. Do you want me to post what you say? Your so naughty sometimes. šŸ¤£ damn roof!!

I know. Need to fix it. It’s coming Mama. These kids gonna jump in. Get to steppin and fetching mode. My kids are good at it. Angela’s a wiz in the kitchen. David’s a dream with the yard and fixing stuff. He’s building combines now! So cool.

There’s so much I’d love to cheat about but this shits in our way Mama. Like let it go for god sakes. My goodness. If you don’t start just cusing? I’m gonna go over load on cussing here. It’s a lot. Just say it. Then ask God to forgive it. It’s just a word that you should not hold in. Try Mama. You’ll feel better. God knows. That’s what grace is for Mama.

If the sink won’t work?

Just say god damn it!

Please help me fix it lord.

Amen.

It’s works Mama.

Your so stubborn Mama.

I’m trying to help you and us!

My god guys. Adoption does a number!

This reading says volumes to me about Mama and her grieving processes. My desire is for us to grieve our loss of time and each other and all the gobbled de gook of yesterday so we can have a fresh start today and not have death even needed to be the final healing moment.

Non of the men who my Mama knew would want her to block me and be cut off from me. Non of them would want her to see me as a failure but a success. Despite it all I keep coming back around and around like some

Pink bunny.

Ready yet Mama? Put that down. Come on. Let’s play. Come on Mama. It’s our time. God told me to tell you. Trust me. It’s safe to trust now. It’s safe.

Everyone here in the safe place I and God created in public, is cheering us on. Waiting. Everyone. No one has uttered a negative thing here in 5 years. This time we will be born in the air of our minds first. Our hearts have never ever been separated Mama. Ever. It’s not possible. I studied it and show myself approved Mama. In public. That’s bold. And true.

Waiting for you to receive me back. No one threatening you but you. I’ve seen glory Mama. Why would your daughter take 56 years to come tell you another lie? Come on girl. Use that brain now.

I’m a patient as they come honey.

Daddy may have started this thing.

But I’m gonna finish it and you. Too.

David can’t help but tell me all about you. Virgo.

Ha ha.

To think you thought god would leave me high and dry without a clue?

What you fear is fear itself Mama.

God is the god of power. Love. And a sound mind.

Fear not. Look not to the right or left.

Don’t those words mean anything Mama?

Face that fear. Tell it who’s boss. Jesus.

Use that sword Mama.

Fear has no place between us.

Fear is the enemy.

Not me.

Whatever your fearing is a lie.

Cast the fear down.

Throw it away.

Let go of it.

Would if? Gods trying to bless you this time?

God can do that if we are willing and choose to have faith? That’s god is the rewarder of those that diligently seek him? Is it not true?

Every page of this blog. An offering of honesty to God and the world to see me how low and humble myself and tell god all. And not edit my cries for justice. Like David. I’ve also sung and danced before god. Begged for my Mama. And also got my Daddy and more back. As promised. In the words of a book you read??

Tell me woman your lantern has not gone out for your husbands? What would they wish of you now? As I request and request permission to speak freely for god sakes with my own Mama after 56 years of living in semi exile?

I’ve exhausted myself requesting a formal invitation to be her daughter to the fullest degree 25+ years. When. Will she be ready?

Respecting is so tough when it’s your own Mama who being so disrespectful to you?

I’m busy. Like wow. Me too. But I spent the time away. On you. Thanks for the laughs girl. Next time maybe? Not sure?

David said no. Hmmm? Guess Phil was right. Better listen to David. And Angela. And Chelsie. Maybe I should scrap it all and just go have tea with Chelsie David. Angela and Whitney and me?

Seem the lady who lives in Cheshire all tea’d out?

Hell. Stay tuned tomorrow some other news and reports?

Maybe a miracle will be able to be reported?

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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