If you needed me. Mama

I imagine these past years have been some karmic fall out from a beak up that happened so fast it made my Mamas head spin. I imagine Gods got me by the back of the neck. Gods holding me and my feet and they are swinging as I squirm for all that’s any worth left in me about my Dad.

See? I’m adopted and adapted. But it’s just not possible to dig your parents traits out of you. They are woven in. And well?

Mama and Daddy seemed to have had some kind of unfinished business with each other. It’s stemmed to me? That’s God appears to have let Daddy set the record straight with her and him through the genetic body they both gave me?

So strange to me me. 😩

Cuz those two? Are sensitive and hell!! Yikes!

And maybe? I feel it strongly. That Daddy had something’s you say to Mama about me? Cuz the look on her face when I went to see her after I cut my hair? Well? Her e press ion seemed to appear to look like she was seeing a ghost? So strange?

And? Knowing myself like I do because they weren’t hear to tell me different means I have a good grasp of it all that is not my personal issue with either of them. Meaning. Not my shit girl. Yes. My Mamas shit seems to have slipped her tongue anyway. And I read it like a book.

Like? Oh? Ok. What you seeing when you be looking at me girl? Tell me all about it girl. Mama. Whatever. By now who cares about labels? Anyway?

All I know is this. Mama needed it. Whatever it is or was that we exchanged during our weird morph of a relationship and I clearly saw how blinded Mama was by what she said it was after the facts.

And something rose up in me like a knight on a damn horse!! Said go. Now. Three times? So weird to be me? Hell? Your Mama kept you? Same old same old is your life story’s. Not me. No.

My Mama wanted more for me. And more is what she got. And her math suck. She’s did not account for a harvest. Lordy Jesus. Mama.

Let me present it like this. You threw this seed from you how far? Kind of also like casting a net with bait in it? Me as the bait? Fishers of souls. Reaping a harvest. How many people have I touched with my story about my love and anger surrounding the mystery of my own Mama?

The story of me presenting a piece of my Mama back to herself, fully intact. Meaning. The expression of both her and my father mixed together. Accepted. That the child many said was rejected by her Mother had in fact accepted fully both of her parents characters and behaviors that had been deemed flaws and wielded them with precision.

Showing. Mama how it’s done. And having her flip out realizing how much God has done between us. Also having my own Mama obviously living some kind of nightmare about me? And having to clean her viewpoint off. So she can also accept and embrace the changes between us and see them as ultimately a good thing that we both signed up for before we even got here?

The dark horse.

The turtle looking like a hare.

The Cinderella who’s cleaned a lot to get to the castle that holds her mother queen.

Knowing. God has got this order taken care of while Mama looses her old mind set. Knowing. Gods got the new story down load waiting to give to her beyond what she thought was going on.

And like this song link below says.

I’d come to you. My Mama. Who’s told herself she did not need me but did not entertain the idea that she might just want me? Want me to come from the rear and blow them all away. Might want me to mop the floors with my sister hair? 🤣🤣

Never did did a chance to do that. 🤣

Maybe? For me to silence the haters of such a determined love connection?

Maybe waKe my sisters up to the facts. That I’ve always been a part of you. Not small and invisible. Just geographically placed out of view. But? Fully connected and they should consider that fact and choose what they say about it? Yes. I think so.

That maybe they might want to check themselves. Cuz they wreckin themselves.

The look on my Mamas face when my sister came rolling into her own home, watching her see my sister really unload on me? Her watching me handle her. And myself in front of my son who really needed to see what we are dealing with here.

It’s insane to even think that woman ever forgot me? Or even unwelcome me? Her vagina opened so I could greet the day? Seriously?

Forgetting a child is like trying to forget an arm or a leg that’s gone? Phantom pains of a child removed. A real thing guys. Happened to mother who relinquish.

She’s thinking about me today. That’s why I am writing. To let her know. I don’t give up on love. Not back down on a woman like her. Meaning precious. Yeah. Nope. Don’t back down.

Do or die person when it comes to family ties.

I’ve learned a thing or two living away. Once you meet your Mama? It’s sealed. To back away is detrimental to all involved. It’s tears at her heart. Messes with her mind.

Especially when folks be filling her head with ideas that she needs to call the cops and protect herself?

I was raised around law enforcement dudes?

Like good one. I called them myself and explained my side and concerned with Mamas mental well being? That’s she appeared to be a bit fearful? And was acting strange? Wondering why I was carrying her groceries in?

I truly was so surprised she got so spun out? I’m sure she did not get there alone. Advisers who don’t know me well probably should have maybe gotten some help?

I figure once of written it out just right? Mama will get it. That’s what adoptions done. Time away from your child. Not permanent. Not sane. Not planned well. Not supported. Left for dead and no Jesus to raise you from the dead? Or maybe yes? Since I do know Jesus.

Guess? I’m

Blessed. I’ve got my own Jesus yo help me pace out way that no one even planned for. But God.

Those papers are papers now. I’m plenty old enough to choose. I could just say goodbye to them all? Just like Mama? Just walk away and leave them all hanging on there own prayers?

Seems sooooo harsh. I’ve felt that knife? Yes.

Stab. Stab. Stab.

Or? Mama could see that the contract is now void and we get to draw up a better one?

She could see me for the friend she needs?

Yeah. Sounds weird to most to even read that my Mama and I have issues reconnecting in the physical to say the least? No one planned for this. Which shows a huge gapping hole in adoptions so thoughtful plans for us.

My Mama went off the rail a long time ago and called it many other things. She can’t let go. I’m woven from her? Adoption? Hello?

Didn’t plan for that? Oh? Bonding is a thing guys? It’s a big thing you all forgot in your thoughtful deliberation about me and Mama?

And she? Had to adapt? Too. While still fully connected to me. Except physically. Once I met her the dominos began to fall. All the lies had to go. And the old narrative gained my content to make sense of Mama madnesses.

Why no one else can see OCD is linked to my removal is beyond me? I was in fact out of place? Which sent Mama into organize mode. Trying to fix it yet calling it something else.

She’s could not just say I want my baby back? Could she now? No. She could not. She signed up for this roAd. And adoption cuts off the path until we are old enough. And by that time? Our moms many give up on even thinking or entertaining the idea of our return?

Well. Think again. Adoption had not met me yet. Linda’s girl. Hello! Yahoo! It’s me. Yeah. Adoption. Move over. Let me take care of what you can’t dear. Sit down. Let me show you how it’s done. Let me throw the boom of my notes at your gods damn face! From my

Applicable life experiences!

Why is Mama Jean so bonded me? I’m a pro. Why would my Mama even think this was a fail? She didn’t run and hide? No. Cuz she’s bonded to me for life. She knows I’m the shit. And I come through when others pale honey.

Long hauler that makes it look like a sprint.

Yes. Take notice of me. I’m the new generation of adoptee on the planet who don’t back down nor let paperwork get in the way of family business and relations for long.

Like stop and really think about who you are adoption to try to dictate to me. Or my Mamas and family. You suck. And you always have been a second hand idea that tanks. Moses himself had to do what his people did not and break them out of slavery by learning from the king himself who was abusing his people.

Tearing them apart. Killing the first born males? Killing the ability to produce ares? Killing the spirit of the people making his dreams come true? Sick. Sick. Sick.

Moses had to mop his floor with an entire ocean. Like, bad form dude. Bad form.

We act like it’s such a save when we lost the war. And enabled that king to just keep abusing them? Stave and kill them? Seriously people are not a commodity.

And adoption is a godless whore. Who takes children from their perfect placement and call it wrong or a mistake? Was? Moses a mistake I ask you?

The answer is yes Mama. If you needed me. I would and did come to you. Even when you’d been denying it for 50 years. I know a lie when I see one. You love me true. I saw it on your face each time. I apologize people could not be supportive of me. That sucks. Yes. But know this. I love you. And knew exactly what you needed was the truth to ground you back in.


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