Confronting a perspective such as the idea of what adoption really means to the child relinquished is a feat. Confronting that same perspective that has logged in your own Mothers mind is quit a feat.
I had so many dreams of my Reunion with my own Mama. Very positive dreams that included much honesty and stories of how we thought of each other.
I had fears but gave them to God. Trusted that it would all be ok.
Blogging and going public about my experiences was a huge fear I have faced. And it is the very thing that has shed the light I needed to see my way back to myself. Beyond the dreams of a child.
I’ve learned my Mothers truth. And bravely faced her fears and nightmares.
A perspective has held her captive. A perspective that was not founded in the complete truth. Her perspective was her own and did not include my experiences.
Confronting her half truth filled perspective has given me much to aid myself in balancing the perspective that she could see me at all.
Sounds a bit tragic. But beyond the idea that once a Mother always a mother I can see she’s just a woman who felt shame and trauma for darling to be wild. Caught in the act of a sexual encounter with my father and a growing bag called a uterus that was making me, she was not equipped to handle a child created from a wild act.
And years and years of tales told to herself have gotten in our way. The Bible says this this way and that. And to her mind filled with perspectives, I don’t make any sense. Sense? Left the day she gave me away.
For a child makes no sense to a perspective that gave me, the gift away.
I am flesh. I am a soul that was woven within her very body. O Negative blooded. I probably made her very sick. For my blood is very powerful. So powerful it can kill my own children if I don’t get a shot each time to help my body not fight them as if they are aliens.
It I grew. And was born despite the fact that I was O negative blooded. She in her limited knowledge probably thought me some demon.
Oh lack of knowledge. You do make us parish don’t you.
Her mind. So small. And yet I’ve faced and confronted the ignorance she didn’t even realize she had. And she’s been offended.
It’s not me she should be offended at. But herself for not even trying to understand a child she bore. Who’s flesh came from her negative experiences. And yet who’s blood can save anyone. And can not be saved except by another with O negative blood.
Twisted. Yes. She got twisted. And I have untwisted. And have been treated like I was the twister. Well? Takes a twister to untwisted the twisted.
Adoption twisted me all up. Made me see life differently than others. Gave me perspectives many could not see until I took the time to explain it and earned the trust. By being honest and patient enough to explain my view.