Confronting a perspective

Confronting a perspective such as the idea of what adoption really means to the child relinquished is a feat. Confronting that same perspective that has logged in your own Mothers mind is quit a feat.

I had so many dreams of my Reunion with my own Mama. Very positive dreams that included much honesty and stories of how we thought of each other.

I had fears but gave them to God. Trusted that it would all be ok.

Blogging and going public about my experiences was a huge fear I have faced. And it is the very thing that has shed the light I needed to see my way back to myself. Beyond the dreams of a child.

I’ve learned my Mothers truth. And bravely faced her fears and nightmares.

A perspective has held her captive. A perspective that was not founded in the complete truth. Her perspective was her own and did not include my experiences.

Confronting her half truth filled perspective has given me much to aid myself in balancing the perspective that she could see me at all.

Sounds a bit tragic. But beyond the idea that once a Mother always a mother I can see she’s just a woman who felt shame and trauma for darling to be wild. Caught in the act of a sexual encounter with my father and a growing bag called a uterus that was making me, she was not equipped to handle a child created from a wild act.

And years and years of tales told to herself have gotten in our way. The Bible says this this way and that. And to her mind filled with perspectives, I don’t make any sense. Sense? Left the day she gave me away.

For a child makes no sense to a perspective that gave me, the gift away.

I am flesh. I am a soul that was woven within her very body. O Negative blooded. I probably made her very sick. For my blood is very powerful. So powerful it can kill my own children if I don’t get a shot each time to help my body not fight them as if they are aliens.

It I grew. And was born despite the fact that I was O negative blooded. She in her limited knowledge probably thought me some demon.

Oh lack of knowledge. You do make us parish don’t you.

Her mind. So small. And yet I’ve faced and confronted the ignorance she didn’t even realize she had. And she’s been offended.

It’s not me she should be offended at. But herself for not even trying to understand a child she bore. Who’s flesh came from her negative experiences. And yet who’s blood can save anyone. And can not be saved except by another with O negative blood.

Twisted. Yes. She got twisted. And I have untwisted. And have been treated like I was the twister. Well? Takes a twister to untwisted the twisted.

Adoption twisted me all up. Made me see life differently than others. Gave me perspectives many could not see until I took the time to explain it and earned the trust. By being honest and patient enough to explain my view.

  • I’ve experienced a lot.
  • Abandonment
  • Near death
  • Deaths/ by suicide
  • Divorce
  • Alcoholism
  • Anger
  • Neglect
  • I’ve been dismissed
  • Overlooked
  • Many have called me
  • Crazy
  • And then have retracted it
  • Some have been to proud to retract it
  • I’ve experienced scandal
  • I’ve experienced success
  • I’ve been loved
  • And hated
  • My mother thinks I can’t understand her
  • Oh dear woman. I understand. I just don’t agree with your perspective. There is a difference.
  • So much time has passed.
  • My mother is now old.
  • She’s too. Too.
  • Lost in her own world.
  • Void of mine.
  • Rigid. Stiff and unyielding.
  • Unreachable.
  • Unteachable.
  • Perhaps?
  • And yet.
  • I still have hopes.
  • Prayers.
  • That her soul eyes will see me
  • With eyes of love
  • For love is not some mushy wish wash word
  • It’s strong like whiskey on a wound
  • It’s like a splash of cold water when you need to wake up.
  • Love is braving the storm of your own Mothers ignorant wrath
  • Showing up.
  • When her souls calling
  • And facing her demons
  • As she stands in defiance of her own truth standing at her door
  • Trying to love her crazies away
  • Don’t call me sisters when she passes.
  • I’ll not sing unless you accept me now.
  • If I am not worthy now
  • I’ll not give you worth then
  • And if Mama can’t muster up her courage to rage against her own norm now.
  • She’ll not have me to sing her to the other side then.
  • I’ve paid enough for her lack of courage.
  • She must pay for the rest.
  • I love you enough to stand and be brave to show you all how.
  • As bravely as my own daughter does to me.
  • She will not be called either when I am called home.
  • And she will pay for her own actions then.
  • For I’ve loved all of you. Despite your actions and lack of actions.
  • Enough to let you fall.
  • Like I have without you.
  • Alone.
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