My Mama thought she had

Me all figured out. My Mama thought she knew herself so well. These are the things I’ve seen as I came out of her darkness.

As I’ve told my side of the adoption triad I saw how blind she was to her own truth. The truth of me. People try to say who you are. But they don’t get to say who you are or who you’ve become.

To be called crazy by my own family was very hurtful. To be rejected time and time again for expressing feelings I held in was extremely unhealthy. And it showed me how far I had come from such a sad beginning laced with rejections.

My Mama may not be able to accept her actions but I have. She can run. But she can no long hide from the affect her actions had on me her child.

I grew up with the stigma. And grew beyond the stigma. While she just stayed in a stigma of her own making. She can label it all she wants. But get to tear off those labels. I get to show her who I really am. She can call it crazy. But that’s just her shit not mine.

In the end. She will be the one alone. Without me. Without my older children to cling to and think she’s making it all better, when all she did was dig her own knife into her own heart deeper by cutting me off from my own surprise baby.

My youngest daughter was not a mistake nor was she ever thought of as a mistake. She’s precious. She’s beautiful and just a bit confused about who her Mama truly is. But with time. And God. She will also see a side of herself that I know is beautiful and precious.

I pity my Mama now for taking such a stand as to dare to take such a stand against her own flesh and blood. Because the bloods on her own hands now.

And she’s cut her own nose off despite her face. As she sit and reads scriptures and obviously has no idea what they mean.

All she knows is pain. And masks. And bullshit lies that hide the truth of a beautiful soul that came to be from a relationship she chose to have with a man I call my father. A man who did not reject me. Who embraced what and who was made from a woman who just left and gave the gift away.

Chelsie. Wanted me to play nice. But she did not see her own grandma playing dirty and leading my siblings to do the same all in the name of Christ. And that’s just not ok.

She reads her bible and does all the goody two shoes shit she can and can’t even accept me. Her child. How is that even ok. How is that proof she learned the lesson of the cross if she can turn God away day after day. Allow her children kept to call me names and defend her actions as holy?

It’s sick. And I am not sick. It’s a sad day when god send her child to her door to love her and she allows her kept children to act so entitled to turn me away without even hearing me out.

I came to love. And came home to a woman filled with hate for her own actions, projecting her vomit of hate on me. I know how Christ felt hanging on a tree for only speaking what is and staring down at madmen who could not take the truth.

Judge not. I don’t judge her. But I watch as she tried to judge me. As she taught my own child to judge me and deem me crazy. How does she think that has help my own child grow and learn unconditional love? How has it helped when Chelsie has cut the woman who showed up and did the work she did not wish to do? How is that helpful?

Mama Jean changed the diapers. And rocked Chelsie to sleep. She took her to school and shopping. And now is cut off from what she took on? That’s sick. A sickness she did not ask for and yet has accepted. For Linda. Just could not say thank you or face the woman who watched me struggle as a child abandoned.

That’s not a lesson learned at all. That’s a bat shit crazy woman trying to tell Christ what his words meant and how seems to not be able to learn her own lessons.

Chelsie can cut me off. Because I know I’m always with her. And that mama Jean taught me what unconditional love is. She never let go. She always shows up. And accepts anything. And loves me as best she can love a woman born from such a cruel woman.

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