Calling it out

Calling what is what is so what is can change.

Calling out the family behaviors that collectively keep us all caught in a cycle.

So? We can change the behavioral patterns passed from generation to generation.

I’m not perfect. I’m real. And I’m calling myself out too.

What I’ve seen is conditional love. I’ve seen a condition that has been placed on me in terms of how I act and what I receive.

People say some pretty crazy things. Is that the ultimate truth? Or is it just the truth at the moment?

Am I really Unwelcome? Or is my truth unwelcome? Or is my truth just changing?

Can my family see me showing up? Can they see my love for them and can they my distaste for our past truth that’s just learned behavior.

Jesus? Says unconditional love is ours. So where has the conditions been applied to our circumstances that has kept a pattern in motion?

Are we this family able to change it? Can we all face our own actions? I’m facing mine here.

Yes. I get upset. Why? Because I keep showing up and desiring to see conditions change.

  • Excuse me for being weird or strange or whatever seems to be upsetting to my family dynamics. May I remind folks that most Mothers keep their children. My Mama sent me to strange uniqueville when she relinquished.
    • Adoption is a special circumstance that she chose and seems to not want to own. I own it. What else should I do? Pretend? That seems very illogical to me.
  • Mama did not realize at all of 25 just what she signed ya both up for. And now? After 56 years she’s trying. Key word. Trying to back out of a deal that she signed up for without even knowing what it meant.
  • And I am trying to lead her out of the darkness she placed herself in.
  • The energy I pick up is she’s trying to fight me tooth and nail and she’s fighting herself. Cuz? I’m ok. But I’m not ok with her behavior. I love her. But I am discouraged that she’s so turned around that she thinks it’s me that is rehurting her.
  • I’m trying to pull the thorns out. And she’s shewing me away? Which seems so counter productive to us all.

    But. God protected me back then as I went through life without her. Like I love her. And a part of me wants her in my life. But we must compromise and work together. There’s no dictatorship here. It’s just a meeting of two minds. Hers and mine.

    And to deny that we both had our struggle with this lovely arrangement is delusional.

    If Josiah can fit the battle of a Jericho wall them Mama and I can too.

    She’s been thinking it’s one way and telling herself that for years. But now she sees it’s not like that at all. Excuse me for bursting your bubble just being me. But she tapped out on being my only guide when she gave up on herself as my trainer. So god took me up. It’s right In Psalms. In black and white.

    The gray area is where we meet to balance after it’s all been said and done. And if she can’t see that? Of god can’t even get through? Then she and the girl will have to live with the consciences. What this consciences are I have no idea?

    But don’t come crying to me later. I wanted them all. Cuz I’ve got to live my own life. I can not carry this any longer. And she will feel that deeply as I pull my energies back and move along life’s highway.

    I’ve seen this a thousand times in my life. I can’t force her. But I can recommend a better course firmly to help guide her back to a more balance lifestyle. If people don’t wanna listen? That’s on them.

    I’ve told the truth.

    I’ve cried for her for years. And if people don’t wanna believe that that is real? Well whatever. Get on with your bad self then. Just don’t come back and cry cry cry later when it’s all blown up in your faces.

    It’s not my issue. I’ve pointed it out. Now I’m gonna go live my life.

    But please. Stop talking about me in your mind or with your mouth. Just let me go. Cuz that shits not ok. Do you then if you know so much.

    Good luck. Cuz this switch board operators going on a long lunch break. And I won’t be picking up on your distress call later. Your on your own now. Just like I was back in the day.

    You too Chelsie Lynn. Good luck. I’ve prayed. I will just send all your garbage to god. And the rest? Is up to you darling. Hard lessons.

    You wanna walk through life without me? Well ok then. Blessings. Don’t come crying to Mama. Cuz I’ve been patiently waiting for you to come to your damn sense for however long you’ve been gone. I’m not gonna be like my Mama who’s all jacked the hell up.

    You know my rules too. You cut me off and followed the directions of a woman who abandoned her daughter and then said I was a terrible Mama? That’s her shit. Not mine. David and Angela love me true. They have not given up on me. And I’ve not given up on them.

    But you’d eat one? Gave up on yourself and missed the lesson of me giving you your gramma by a mile girl.

    God is pulling me out of this bad equation and moving me to higher ground. The flood of emotions will come. So you better swim girl.

    You are always welcome to come home. But I won’t take your shit either. Just like I’m standing my ground and sending my own Mamas shit I help her carry for years and she can’t even be grateful. That’s on her.

    I’ve loved her forever. I will love her still. But she’s got to come to me proper. Honest. Truthful and own her side of the shit show she signed us all up for when she tore her own family apart with her own hands.

    Prob 14:1

    The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

    I’ve built her up for years. Defended her honor. She’s tearing herself and her reputation down my showing her own true intent was to avoid and not face what god allowed to come across her desk and pass it onto some other woman.

    Don’t even try to come around and be all nice when I’m back on top. I stepped down to deal with this lower energy.

    I’m now the daughter of the descendant of a Indian queen, adopted and adapted into the Osage nation. Those who have been faithful will reap the rewards. Those who walked away? Don’t.

    The shame is on you for cutting Nana off. Don’t even blame me. You chose. Not me. If I drove you? Well ask yourself how did I have that much power if not for seeing your weakness. Not mine.

    you know me girl. I’ve spelled it out. Now. Class is over. This teachers gonna go spend time with your sister who fought for your freedom to just walk away. That’s real.

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