I’m pretty sure I saw it coming at me like a freight train. The kids are growing up and they will soon leave to live there live.
What’s that mean to an adopted? It’s means facing loss so you can gain. It meant for me facing my own fear of being alone again. Which is huge for a person who tying to do some shoe right that no one can even see.
Like I hid it well under the masks of happy and loud and fun. It’s would peek out and bit like a snake. Pain. Losses I wished to forget. Like a criminal on the run. Loss would find me. Again and again. Screaming face me!!
And so I did the best way that I could. There’s no book of losses cuz from what I’ve seen? Everyone’s running from the losses. But the piper must be paid. One day. Either death? Or face it while you still live.
I chose while I still live. So that I could keep living on and not be stuck in losses maze. What I saw was when I face my losses that everyone around had to do the same. Not everyone was ready to face that old man.
So? Kind of like me back in my day of meeting loss, they to stood to take losses hand and follow down the dark hallway. Either do it now? Or face it at your end? What a horrible ending I thought to myself? That’s not how I want to go out. I’ve got years ahead that I want to live without loss holding my skirt and dragging me down.
Blocking my Mamas decision was simply out of the question. And my time was running out of reasons to deny my losses and denying my own gains. How can my children deal with the loss of me if they count see me deal with mine?
Dark? Yes. But god’s there in the dark so theirs no need to worry and fret. I’ve walked through it before you all. And I’m coming out. Better. Stronger. Crying is not weakness but the sign of great strength. To carry a burden so heavy with no help? Huge.
I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone or anyone. But I’ve made it. I’m still standing. And I keep adapting. My children adapted. Not sure I can say at this point that Mama did so well if she can’t face me. But that’s her. Blocked and holding her bible. What the hell is that? Actions speak louder than words and what the hell is she saying in all her silences? Demanding? What? Was the reason for it all?
No answer yet? And yet I still hope and can’t seem to let loose of the question that needs an answer still. Will got untie her tongue? Unhinge that mind of hers? Or will she just stay blind?
Well? Guess god’s got this one. I’ll get my answer some day. But I’m kind of fed up with all this secrecy.