I’m not sure what’s happened. But I changed

I’m Not sure what’s happened to me? I’ve gone to counselors, doctors. And no one finds anything. Cyst on my liver? And one on my gallbladder. Not sure that can cause a person to just kind of breakdown.

Breakdown, meaning, I just can’t hold my feelings in anymore. I’ve always been strong. I’ve always strived to do my best to be a good person. Many times going beyond what is expected of me to make the difference up, in my life and the lives of those I love.

Maybe it’s my brain? I’m just tired of trying to figure me out. Mama Jean does care. Not like I need. And my own Mama does care either. Not like I need. So? What to do. Just keep going.

I cry so much more these days. Probably because I just didn’t cry much. What’s the use of crying when no ones listened my whole life? When no one seemed to understand what I was saying or asking. I’ve felt every misunderstood.

And all I wish is to be loved and to be helped when I’m upset. I’ve pushed as hard a one person, this person could push to get my own Mama to see me. To no avail. She’s abandoned me over and over and over. Now my Chelsie, abandoned me too. I never expected that.

And loosing my Chelsie Lynn has taken a toll on me. She’s got a right to her life. That’s never been the issue. But the way in which she left to go do what she had to do has left a huge hole in me that no one else can fill and stands as another stabbing point to remind me each day of the loss of my own Mama.

I’m Not perfect and yet in God’s eyes I know I am. I have so much to offer and yet feel so hemmed in. Today. I cry and feel sad. And I hate that. I really love to be happy.

Living without my Chelsie Lynn has just taken so much fight out of me. Like why? She’s not dead and yet each day I go to my happy memories to help console my soul that longs to see her smile. She always knew how to make me Happy again. And. I get it. It’s not her job. She’s got to live and have her own life. But to be excluded by a person who knows full well what her actions do to me? And to not know why she chooses to be so cruel?

I must be some monster? I must be blind to my own behaviors that caused her to run away from me. I write to bring awareness. I write to find peace for my soul that’s long for home and knows not where home is.

I don’t feel comfortable with Mama Jean. And she drinks. I’ve tried to help her. But she’s wants what she wants and I can just be damned. She will drink and say mean things and I just have to deal. That’s how my life has gone. My Mamas our to lunch too. She could care less about what happens to me.

And people should see what being Adopted has done to my emotions and my brain that works so hard to help people understand my complicated family story with missing pieces and people.

I wonder. When will the pain end. When will I be happy again. I want Chelsie. And no amount of prayers will stop the pain I feel now that she’s gone.

Maybe something did happen? But this I know. No ones seen about me after all the sewing of done for others. I’m. Out in the cold.

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