If you can’t laugh about it? You ain’t healed….

This one thing I know for sure. If you haven’t gotten to the place of laughing about it? Your not healed. And me and my Mama just began talking about this and bringing it all up for review, and neither of them are laughing. That is a fact…..Soooooo?

We got work to do. Andddddd? Talking is the first steps of beginning to look at things differently than you began, and I am leading this boardroom of the minds here. Bang. Bang goes my gavel. Like gravel I’d day! Pour things, they are so damn hard on themselves! And touchy and not feely? It makes me drink whiskey dealing with these two?

My children know me, I don’t drink! And I don’t smoke! Fact number one!

What am I doing? Drinking! And smoking! Why? Stress People! Mother stress. Like so much chatter chatter, its hard to even get my words in edgewise! And my words matter the most, they are the knife, and the salve all wrapped into one little ball of blue eyes loveliness. And? I am doing this remotely, just like they did. Guess they thought I didn’t see that shit? Well, I did!

With Mama and her prayers, and Mama Jean with her Indian witch voodoo queen mojo hunt me down like a coon dog magic stunts back with prayers? Oh my! Life would be a challenge!!! LOL One hell of a ride for sure. This way! No that way! No! turn around, not like that? What are you doing girl? No no no. blah blah blah.

Mama wasn’t even happy with how I turned out? Let alone able to truly appreciate what her replacement took on and did in her stead? I guess folks don’t see it like I did? Well, they need to, it was crazy. And wonderful and bittersweet. All mixed into one, like after you eat the whole meal, salad, maincourse, desert, mixed up inside the stomach. Thank God my stomach knows what to do, thank God, God knew what to do inside of me to help me digest all I went through to see the goal and to find the silver lining? Now its their turn.

Its madness I tell the world here! Madness. Two woman, best friends and don’t even know it? Cant even laugh at themselves? madness. And if we cant get to the place of laughing at how silly this all is, of what was said, that I went through it anyway, and because of them? Its beyond comprehension, without Gods eyes to see it. Thank  God I got the helicopter ride on this one, so I could see the big picture from Gods points of view! I would have never made it without God. These woman? So wounded, so upset, they cant even laugh?

I am pumping this wound like a badass, more puss, more puss, when does it stop? NO, no no! Not when I stop talking about it! NO. I was silent, and 20+ years flew by, no meeting of these two minds happened. So? God called me up, said, “Come on girl, let me show you.” I said, of course, “OK God, show me, help me show them and explain it well enough so they will finally see.”

These woman will get clear and clean. And these woman will laugh. Or I am just a ghost of some Christmas past, just passing through their minds to show them. but I don’t think it will have to go that far? At least I hope as I send these words up on the wires of humanity, proving that they did not do all they did in vane. Vanity is so fleeting, but a daughter raised well, who can see the value of her own Mama’s, now that is a treasure.

These two seem to be stuck in their own nightmares, and avoidance behaviors to see how much I looked to both of them for my help? Mothers train their children up in the way that they should go, so that when, they are old, those children now grown do not stray. I never strayed? I traveled, and lived. And yet? I still cant just blow into Mama’s town unannounced and stop by for coffee when I want to without all hell breaking loose? The police being alerted? And my sister being called to regulate our relationship?

SERiously? What? You got that right? I am on limited access and supervised visitations? Like a criminal? What a hoot? After all my fighting in the school yard defending their honors? And my own? All my trying to balance them both out while they thought only one was running the show and the other was I guess dead? What a weird storyline indeed?

Mama’s like? NO NO NO!!! You cant come home? what will the new mommy think? I am like? Well, Mama? I think I know what the new Mama thinks better than you? And she’d kind of like to meet you? I think your ready. Mama’s like, No NO NO!! I am a mess, I cant do that, you were not supposed to come back to me? You were supposed to forget me? What is wrong with you? Go home! I am not your Mama! And I was like? Yes, Mama, you are still my Mama, my blood tells me so. But I did not come home alone? Mama Jeans always with me. And? You’ve kind of been acting weird and I am not sure what your deal is? but I will help you figure it out.

My nerves are shot these days with both these woman nerve to shut me down? OH hell no? You did not just block me did you? Oh hell no? I know! Yes I do. I know! Neither of these woman would take that shit lying down? Oh hell NO! They would box my ears and fry them up for dinner if I tried the shit they be trying on me! BEST believe that!

And yet they are just showing their own raising? Both of them boxed in with this second best solution from the 60’s. Oh! But this girl? She got a plan. A plan from the big man and woman upstairs to blow this shit out of the waters of our love triangle! Oh yeah! Gods plans are amazing. Once they get all their triggers down, and the guns put away. Once the smoke clears from my cigarette smoke signals to God? They gonna see me, they are gonna look at me, and see each other, right there plan as day. And they? will laUGH THEIR asses off. And good! they both need it?

They both walk some kind of tight rope to no return. And I am pushing them other the edge!!! Oh my!! NO!!! not over the edge? yes, over the edge…to the net below, remember? the net God always has ready to catch each of us when we get to caught up in our own stories and loose track of today. Today? A girl writes like a wild woman and drinks whiskey and Shasta cola, smokes American spirits and prays for change.

I stayed sober for my kids. I don’t know how anyone raises kids drunk or drinking? But its a way. But I did not, maybe I should have? My kids didn’t seem to like me sober? All churched up and strict like these woman raised me. I laugh now at my kids talking about my crazy Christian way? The church teaches some crazy moves for sure. But, my kids needed to learn about all the religiously fanatical mumbo jumbo, this place is under God and the churches be teaching some strange stuff. I was like Anne of green gables. my Church is the whole planet. God is everywhere for me. And God made it so I COULD be connect4d to my Mamas always. That is precisely why Mamas brain would go down and BARbara Marie had to help her. Fact. Mama never let me meet the woman that helped Mama when I drained her brain battery, so I could thank her.

Thank you Barbara Marie. I owe you way more than one. You are amazing for helping my Mama through her times of mental lag, as I had called out to her mind and needed her strength to go through all I went through. Mama just thought it was normal? No Mama, its not. And Barbara Marie was that friend who stood in to help you with me too. Trust that. Because even an orphaned child can see what maybe her own Mama’s cant. Orphan Anne… Stephanie Anne, alias, BE Linda Jean….Kind of funny God dunking those woman who never met? Renaming after both their selves? SOOOOOOO a God move.

Every detail… so set in place. Connections like no other, even named my first after my own Mamas middle name and didn’t even know it then? LOL Same month too? OH Linda Linda Linda Marie, do you see yourself in me? Yet? Almost named my boy after his biological grandfather to the tee? But changed it to David LaRoy just to twist it up a bit? And Chelsie Lynn, named after the first sister I found. Victoria Lynn? Like? That honor if I ever saw it? No mistakes there? Perfectly named and perfectly honored my family tree….That is why I got invited to the Moreland family reunion? Cuz I know my roots run deep and I gonna make people see my Mama in me if its the last thing I ever do!

No need to lie. Just be honest and truthful and be yourself, they will see her within my frame, as I walk and I talk, they will remember I BE Linda’s Jean. Thanks Marcia! You had no idea Gran Gran could use you to give me back what was always mine before you would go rogue and deny me! LOL Fine, Gran Gran says, don’t go to church girl! I will bring the preacher of this line right to your door. LOL And you will give her everything, and cook her dinner. LOL She taught you better,  but hey? Free will? Right? Nope, Gran Gran will have the last words for sure honey. Mark that in a poem and maybe right that out in words. She’s Got powers you’ve never observed. You looked at yourself when I walked into the doors. A writer, a poet and singer of songs, a preacher a twister of words to make you bow down and remember who you came from. Don’t even disrespect Gran Gran child abandoned for a cause no one can see until now girl. You bought Mama’s hook lines and sinkers…Now I am reeling you all in…Gran Gran will have her way, God will see us united even if you all have to come to my funeral.

The Aunt hills in me woman. Don’t even think it ain’t so. Our blood is mingled and tingled and wrapped in that woman soul. Go on, run, but you won’t hide from Granny go go of the Aunt Hill! LOL You cant thank yourself later for giving me the amo to shoot that big ego that thinks your so smart to out wit an old lady dead and gone… Dead my ass. She’s alive in us all, don’t you even forget that little missy all prissy in your nice home while your cousin keeps calling and your to damn busy to maybe rearrange the mind of yours to see Gran Gran in her? OH Lordy Lordy, what a kettle of fish? None of us will have peace until we get this right, not left.

God is still on the throne if not in your hearts. And to look at me as crazy? Is so messed up it makes me wanna fart. Thank you for taking me in if even for just a second. All I needed was what you gave me, which was mine already. Ive gone on long enough without my own roots? I grew new ones to add to you. Maybe knock that high and mighty down a peg or two? So we can see eye to eye and not tooth to tooth?

And If you cant see the silly? Marcia? You need healing too. I wonder why your own cousin hid this from you? HMMMMMM? Not my question to answer, that all on you baby. That’s all you. And your man over there stewing in God knows what? About me?

While I am trying to tie this quilt together? Your just to busy for family relations? oh my? To to for such low vibrations that are not I. I am so glad God and Gran told me to take my printer and copy it all down? Little did I realize that you all would go crazy after I step into your town? After Mama drove right past my house to go tell you her tale and turn you around to me and try to shut this girl down? GRAN GRAN never forgot about me!!! You read me girl? Never never ever would our. Gran gran do me like you’ve done me day after day!!!You remember her frame? But do your remember her holy rage? Yeah, I thought you might change that tune after I sang a few bars for ya?

This party will get started and we will have a good time as soon as people get over themselves!! I am just the mess ender here. These messages are for all of you. I got the memo. And I sent it on and shared it with you. What did you do? Block and get all jammed up with glue? Glue from a past. Glue that should be a stew so yummy, but noooooooooo, you won’t have it will you? I think you might want  to change that sick mind of your honey? Its dirty and got the flue. Gran Gran and our ancestors will have the last laugh and we, will join them. As we celebrate the success of Linda’s Be in the bonnet hidden in plain view. You think your so smart Marcia with your college degree? Oh Gran Grans got lots of things you don’t even see……

Put that in your book of poems lady, she doesn’t agree with your treatment of a relative who’s been though enough trying to be a good daughter to two woman, one invisible and one visible that you haven’t even met? Gran Gran would not agree that the family has lost their traditions learned on an Aunt Hill in Biggs California at the knee of such a great woman of God? No she would not agree with your lack of decorum. Your lack of understanding that Linda’s in me.

And if you cant see her in me now? You never really knew our Gran Gran, and never learned the lessons of family relations that is for sure. Because that precious woman been clocking me since her death back when I was a born, beyond the grave she followed me and made sure I was ok and secured. Gran Grans do that dear woman, I hope you will see. She lives inside me, duh? Even I can see her working on me. She was there at our first meeting and your sister too..All around us, loving us together.

That is worth a chuckle. Cuz Gran Gran have black opts and medals of honor and God lets them work on their daughters and sons daughters until they get it right and not left out in the cold without their heritages and honors. Margaret, prayed me home and Gran Gran watered those prayers from beyond the grave. Trust a believe that honey bun. So?

When you finally off the high horse of yours? Take a second look at me please. She’s there in all my fibers, looking back at you baby cakes. Asking you, are you proud of yourself dear? Don’t even think a Gran Gran cant punk you? Your never to high and might for a sit down in the parlor of the ruler of an Aunt hill. Aunts when on fire can bit the shit out of a person. Don’t mess with Gran Gran. She not rehearsing, she cursing the mindsets that keep family divided. And praying in this Hail Mary, name BE Linda Jean for Linda Marie and Jean Ann the same team.

One thing I do know, when the room has gone silent? You’ve hit a nerve. The nerve of you to treat Gran Gran great grandchild in such a fashion, you should be ashamed.

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