As we can clearly see or hopefully can see, I’ve worked hard being a conducted person trying to love. Yes. I’ve felt like strangling and angry as hell. Adoption rules that is. So restricted and limiting.
Mama Jean was not my own Mama.
And I was not her babies.
And we had to face that. Without even processing the grief that bound us together.
Like two wounded cats bound by Adoptions string and no real narrative to draw from due to its not scripted. She never went to counseling about the children she lost. Adopted me and faced there absence each day looking into my face.
She? Did not realize this when she took me. Adoption did not warn her or my own Mama about unprocessed losses. And from what I’ve seen? They both suffered in different ways.
I want them both to heal. I’ve worked through wanting to hurt to make people understand how I felt. Wasn’t easy. And as much as I’ve worked to make her happy she still has a pain I can’t heal. But I can show it to her. I can do my best to show up and be me in hopes that she will see me honoring their memories by not abandoning her.
It is the fact that I suffered anyway to prove love’s point that should matter to both my Mamas. And that fact should make them want to rise up for me when I call.
I feel like Adoptees who stay and do their best and travel to find their own Mamas should get a gold watch and their Mamas should get one too. Because to me? That’s success not failure. Failure would be me not seeing their intentions to to be my best despite the odds against us all.
And that’s not like other people who stuff and pretend and don’t wanna hurt feelings when our feelings all of us got hurt. That’s life. That’s crucifying the flesh. That’s redemption. That’s love overcoming the negatives to turn them into positives.
It’s very conflicting. Yes. I’ve had to work on myself and my parents that if they had kept me? Would have been angry with anyone who treated me badly.
What I learned was Mama Jean wasn’t really treated well back in the day and she gave me what she got. My wish is for her to see my love trying to be seen. That she would see me loving her trying to make my own Mama see her affect as a good affect and not a negative.
It hurts me to no end that Mama and Mama Jean have not met and that my own Mama doesn’t seem to even see a need. Manors. That’s why. We don’t forget our manors.