Loves got everything to do with everything. And I should know.
Contrary to most people’s take on what I’ve expressed on this blog? I’ve got a lot of love to give and this blog prove that fact by showing the raw content that I was faced with growing up as an adopted person in a world that kind of is conflicted about what that means to the child having to navigate such confusing ideas being logged at me all day by folks that don’t even know really what the hell they are even saying?
Love is what’s been the guiding force of this woman. To bad my own Mama can’t even see that and pick up the phone now and again to say hello? Yeah. It is to bad for her and me and anyone that gives a shit about their own Mama. You could have been me? And many are just like me? Cut off from their own Mamas and family’s we came from?
Excuse me for pointing that out with a stick in your sand like Jesus? As he spoke to some people who wanted to stone some lady? When they all had their own sins to take care of? I’m here blogging and taking care of my perceived sins and many of the sins I am judged for were not even mine.
Because as I’ve learned growing up in Mama Jeans house is this. “It’s not what you say? It’s how ya say it”, which told me? ” make it count when you make your point, don’t waste your words fluffing an Ego. Get the point out there and let it do its job, to slice like a sharp sword at content that is not yours that others have tried to attach to you. That’s huge right there.
And that right there. How you say it is key to changing anything. Most people get lost in tales down roads going no where. Oh? I’ve lead you somewhere that’s for sure. Most people don’t like going into the shadows of what we don’t yet know. Why? Emotions and attachments that are cut when exposed. That’s why. It hurts.
We get attached to our stories. We are not our stories. We are the story tellers and our stories can turn on a dime of we want to. Oh. But we don’t like turns do we? How do I know that? Look at the roads? We thing that the shortest distance between to points is a straight line? Yep. But? It’s just makes the journey take for ever and people loose ingests? Why? All the learning and beauty is down the road with turns and twists. That’s why?
Why do people go camping? Back to the woods? Down twisty roads for only a few days of what? Peace and quiet? To get connected? Seems we have not noticed this pattern? Of driving straight roads. And then needing crooked roads to straighten us out? Makes no sense to many? And yet it’s what we do.
Love is like a twisted road. And my parents met on a twisted road and God made me from that act. Then Mama gave me away and sent me to another twisted road. My life has been loaded with twisted roads. That’s why I laugh when I go see Mama and have to use gps to even get to her house the roads are so twisted around where she lives. Cracks me up. Cuz I see. But can she see what I see?
A glob or knots all around her like a nest of thorns to protect here. From what? Not me? And yet when I go to see her? It’s me my family thinks is the issue? And I’m like no? I’m pointing at where the issue is? In Mamas mind?
I like to think about her mind like a file cabinet of facts and figures. Memories and lesson. Programming that has given her the life she has lived. Behaviors so she can survive. And from what I’ve witnessed? That file cabinet needs me to connect certain files with other files. Like a cross filing system is needed for her to integrate it all into our story.
It’s like her files have not been complete so her mind can not rest because the filing is incomplete. I’ve need to confront and push her buttons to show her the files that have been giving her balance issues. It’s really quite simple. But my family is so jacked up. And I do realize Mamas been swimming in her emotions. And feeling misunderstood.
So. I’ve just confronted this with as much truth as I could to light up what seemed lost or misfiled so she could close her books out. Emotional accounting I guess I’d call it. Who better to be objective eyes and hears to help her Mama navigate out of an old story line but her own daughter? I say. No one. Why? Because I’m the one showing up to straight this bookkeeping nightmare out.
And I’m just chipping away at the books til she gets it sorted. I’ve gone through my story to fill in-between her lines with mine. And so closing out the books on it’s completeness. And she gets to learn what I’ve learned being without her. And I will keep saying that statement until she is no longer sensitive about it. It’s the truth.
And truth changes. Because I’m not living without her persay. She’s just all freaked the hell out about my truth cuz she couldn’t see it, but I know she felt it.
Love would and does help us straighten out the straight road to make it twisted so we see the lessons. So much is missed down a straight road. Straight roads mean we still haven’t learned to enjoy our journeys. All we are doing is tearing up Mother Earth to get somewhere quick when that’s never the point of life on this planet at all.
Like sure. Drive the straight road. But at some point your gonna have to drive a crooked road to learn the lessons. So? What’s the point if straight roads actually make us take longer to learn lessons? We’ve bought into a quick happy meal of existence. When life if I read the script right? Is a series of dark halls where an old us dies and a feast waits with lights to see and drink it in? That’s scripture shows us the process of manifesting the new into our world and yet people cringe at the thought of walking a dark hallway to the light?
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of my own death, I fear no evil for thou art with me. Paraphrase.
Shadow of death? Does anyone even know what that means? It’s not death per say. It’s deaths shadow. A passing over. Like the Passover. Is the Passover. What keeps us alone is faith that god is with us always, and that the valley of the shadow is the place we shed the old us that no longer serves the new us who has learned better and enough to face the light of day washed clean of the old ideas that no longer fit the new consciousness we have learned from the twisted road lessons we learn.
Life is a twisted road of experiences. We must realize this and notice that we try to make it straight and then end up down the twisted road anyway. So? Why not enjoy the journey. Because love is the truth. The lies after learning are what’s being shed in the valley of shadows death.
A shadow is just a place without light. It’s a place of unknown. It’s the place we learn most by being forced to use our sense and navigate through darkness by allowing god to shine light on what we know not yet. And people get what we call scared? Instead of excited about the light ahead that signals growth and maturity. They back off of the shadow work and demand staying in the light they already know and unknowingly forfeit learning what is knowable and yet unexplored.
The new testament tells us that God is within. I explain it like this: the spirit that leaves your body, the twinkly in your eyes that leaves when your jobs done. That’s god within. The mind and body are the organic unit God rides in. If we really got that concept? Jesus would not have to take the wheel. We would all be driving. Meaning we would not push God out and let the mind dictate or push god out and just let the body do what it wants. It’s a team effort and most people I speak to don’t even get that truth?
My family has not even noticed the cycle they swirl around in due to the trauma of my absence. My sisters don’t even think they were affected and yet I see the affects. I see the affects on my Mama. She’s been limited in her own understandings of me and her and our relationship. A whole child was painted over and called something else. Dead. Invisible.
Yet? When I go Visit? Mama lights up like a Christmas tree? And my sister Victoria called me Unwelcomed, cunt and crazy? Seems madness to me. But I love her and will keep working this knot out of her mind til the only thing she sees is her sister. Until all Mama can see is love. All she saw was anger? Oh? Ok Mama. Your angry. Ok. I’ll blog anger and help you get anger out. That is what a proxy is?
Seems people have forgotten about standing in for someone? Well? Loves here to do that. Stand in. Be a bridge of healing. Clean up corrupted files. Update. Clean windows. Paint rocks of intentions. Plant around Mamas house to remind her. Focus. Focus. Focus. Drink coffee let sister vent. Kiss Mama. Let her see her grandson. Bye a duck dish. So she can see love. Make her some art. Playful. Cheer up Mama?
So hard on herself makes it hard on me cuz she’s till my leader. And my sisters. God wish for us to be what? Abundant my beloved? Abundant. Beyond trauma and losses. I am Joseph and I have the grain my family needs and it’s not bread but we can make some? It’s soul food for Mama. Cuz Mamas the roots to this family. Sick roots. Sick Mama.
Not on my watch.
As much as we hate road construction, which slows ya down anyway? For straighter roads bypassing towns and leaving them desolate. Calling it progress? Madness.
Mamas held herself up in her own self made with help from her man prison cell. With? I might add? Her own guard. My sister. To guard anyone, mostly me, from tipping her mindset over. But? I did just that a spilled that rotten kettle fish and cleaned the pot and fed the garden with it and made a pot of church noodle soup from scratch. I can’t make her eat. She got to know her tables always been spread but she got to go down that long valley of the shadow of her death. So she can eat what I’ve been preparing to feed her for years!!! Years!!
Which is chicken soup for Mamas soul. Xox
And love is the main ingredient. 💋
Thank you for diving deep.