I first want to say that I am impressed with your silence and respect during my lessons. Thank you. I knew you’d give me respect.
Cuz. I truly needed it. From you. While I typed out my 51/50 and worked it out myself. My way.
We both know now. I’ve done it many ways. This way. Your way. There way. Church way. Always knowing the way. But so many ways in my way if that even makes sense?
The old ways? Just did not work for me? 12 steps my ass! There are way more than just twelve honey? Does anyone even finish a twelve step? No. Life is a twelve step program Mama? All day. All night? So or die trying.
Right? You knew I’d get there. And that it would be a rough ride? For both of us. Yin and yang. Light and dark. And. You danced each step with me silently. While I lost not my mind but everyone else that is studied? Learning? Practicing. As a person without her Mama?
Oh Mama. I hope you really appreciates your Mama? Cuz I sure have mine? Life has been crazy without you to have and to hold near me.
I was crazy. The world is crazy? They just need to get it. That’s what I’m sayin. Mamas love is more than Mamas love. It’s God’s love Mama? Through you to me. And you just can’t stop it? Lol. Yeah. I tried too. God says to test me. And so we have.
And for me? This love just wont die? It grows and grows. And I give it away like Manna Mama. Fresh and filled up each day to great me. Cups of love to give away. And a little to spare for the cats and the dogs. 🤣
I’ve missed you Mama. That smile. I love it. Your style. Morning hair and all. Sarcastic smirk on that face. Looking at me as if to say? What now? You trickster you? Somethings up your sleeve? Yes. There’s a lot up my sleeves. Arms. Strong from working her ass off. Mama?
From holding babies and warning them. Correcting? Rocking? A hold lot of thinking about holding you? While I rocked my babies. Remembering you rock me while I grew. All I soaked up within your center? What splendor. Those memories have fed me through this world gone crazy?
So many? Hate their own Mama that kept them? It’s no better? And. I finally came out with all mine that I already dealt with? Got over it a long time ago? Your welcome? Why the hell so you think you lived in such peace? But? I got ya? I stopped you cold in your tracks for a good long moment didn’t I? With such accuracy of such intimate memories between us? Including Daddy? Haunting. God accuracy Mama. None other than God front and center between us. Clearing the way. Cleaning the story up to display hope and what healing looks like to psychologist? Godless thinking?
The scriptures lead me out of the worlds kind of sanity? Many? Could not even help me see I stilled loved you deeply? And tell me that was healthy? Lordy Lordy Mama? Even you? Affected by rubbish collected?
Like I said when I started this 51/50 tirade? Or my own recorrections all public, to the entire establishment! “I am the expert.” Thank you. I trained with God the highest authority. This planet trained me and I asked and prayed for it. And I received. And just prove it to you Mama?
Let me ask you and chuckle? Who told me where all your buttons were Mama? If not God? Who made you too? 💋🤪
I do tell a crazy story about a crazy way to live loving your own Mama. In a world that thought that was the Status quo? And a world that dared to tell Linda’s daughter she wouldn’t do it? What?!!! Oh hell no!
Not on my watch!
Get over yourself? Selves. Mama love don’t ever die. But it feels like hell until you go full circle on it? 51/50. Loose everything else. Hold onto Mama love. You level out. Healing the story.
It’s like a wound of the mind? We all have it. Some admit it? But the facts state the brain is in two pieces. So? Would denote to me? That the sweet spots work that middle? And by the looks of so many people stomachs these days? Most people are stuck in one polar side or the other.
Which tells my mind we need to go right and left. Not just one way or the other. Hence working the center. Corpus coliseum. The super highway of the brain were both side work together. And? Mama and I have been working both sides of our brains that went dormant?
Knocking it out. What’s not ultimately our story. Which is love. Centered in Christ. Which also is the corpus coliseum as I see it through the lens of science. An interpretations of Christ manifest in our brains. Seems no one really seeing it like that? But I do.
Where people struggle if you will. Need exercise? Is being able to swing this way or that? And shame and guilt and all their friend cluster? And inhibit the minds progress to build strength in the middle. Where change is?
Mama and I had to change how we both were thinking? And Mama Jean too. The whole family for that matter. And I had to be willing to go through hell to do it. Knock us all silly? And get our minds that had clustered for years?
Swinging this way and that is great. Frenzy yo fussing. Depressions to elations. What I am talking about is not swinging? The mind one way or another. Bad. Good. Love. Hate. Emotions. And balancing them. Like honing a flame of expressions.
And while I told my crazy story all crazy. You all told me. And showed me your dirt. Cuz like I said. I dealt with this long ago. But I went there. Why? Because I know and remember every demon I faced. And how their energies feel.
Everyone. I called to my face in Jesus name. So. I know them well growing up all alone without Mama. Yeah. And it wasn’t all horrible like most people think about demons? That’s the things that different. I told the story. It was each of you who interpreted. You saw my story through your lens of fear.
And faced yourselves. That’s. How stories heal all twisted and mangled. All Edward Allen. I grabbed everyone one of you in some way. Sent you slinking away to wrestler with the demon I showed you? Demons are fearful thoughts in the darkness of the mind that has not learned? Knowledge is power that’s what we should eat for breakfast. About everything. Darkness can not hide from the light. Means learn. Understanding abolishes the news to fear at all? Understanding is nothing more than an umbrella for a rainy day? Being prepared and versed about everything means your not caught off guard?
Let fear and the demons lead you through the darkness? We can fall. That’s a fact? We can get up? That’s also a fact. We must get out of the mindsets that it’s all out there? They? Who are they? And did they really say that? Thoughts are things. Your thoughts are yours. Not mine.
That’s deep. Read it again. I had too. When I learned that truth in an apartment in Tennessee. Reality is subjective to the one experiencing it. We do not know what one has experienced unless we ask and listen. Even in silence. I listened to Mama every move. Each time I went up to great her? She met me. And then my sister came over? 😩
And yet? Process. Sisters acting like crazy sisters and fighting over Mama. Lol. So normal. Oh and my big sister? Had no idea! 🤪 words words. Perfectly spoken. Interesting in love cast a spell like no other. Love prayer is binding. I saw you coming a mile away!! Lol. So silly. Mama watching us. Tickled a bit to finally hear us. 💋
Girls being girls. Sisters being sisters. The house filled with sweet noise again. After losing her lover. Fired her ass up like a rocket. She saw her true value. Drove all the way up there out of my need for all of you.
Did I see it right Mama? There’s way more coming. Like a river from Tennessee God willed me in a Bible Belt to go back to this desert. And get cleaned. Tell you my stories. Loving my Mothers. In a crazy world that thought I just needed one? That I would even forget either of them? And could just complain all day? And not fight sometimes for better.
You matter very much Mama. And I hope you now like what I really saw in you. Xox.