Inside her mind. How do I know that? I’m glad you asked me that. Let me tell you how.
Since birth I’ve studied faces and facial expressions that communicate the truth or the lie. Since my perfect mirror was taken from me, very young, I had to study expressions to understand their meaning. I was raised by strangers. People I had never met and who I was not directly related too. Their expressions confused me a lot. And I had to pay attention to get it right. Or else. I have a very high standard. Just do it.
There are many things I have failed at and then succeeded. I fell a lot learning to ride my bike. Father Elmer, tried so hard to help me. But he just got in my way. When I let him help me, I failed. When I got the bike in the gutter and pushed myself down with one leg and got going then peddled like hell? I succeeded. Helping me was his dream. Doing it myself was mine.
And if I had to grow up without Mama, he’d just have to be ok with what I gave him. He wanted a girl and he got a bit of both. Being removed from my family, I decided that Mama would want me to leave about being a boy. And in some unconscious way its help me understand men and their ways. I have been married 3 times. And loves each one of my husbands and never stopped. We just grew apart. And I’m ok with that. And God showed me it was ok.
Maybe God’s lenient on me? Since I gave my life to God long ago. Men of old had many wives. Why not me? I’m hard on men. I don’t put up with shit. I tell it like it is. And they? Break. Not like broken beyond repair. But of a habit of thinking woman are dumb? And of getting lazy and not growing up and changing with the times. Habits. Abusive behaviors learned. Needing to change. Why the hell would God want me? To stay with that?
What? In the hell does that say to the kids and teach them? Men. Are testy. Mental. Little shits. But woman fight mean. We need to own that.
To sum it up. I failed at marriage to succeed at being a decent human being and affecting some men with my brand of love. It’s not my fault they left me? They chose to leave a good woman, because they could believe in themselves. We divorced. But I never stopped loving and believing in them and showed my belief in their children. By naming the ways each of them were like them. Visible to a woman denied her own parent too due to complications. You can’t blame me for being a romantic fool for love. I’ve loved Everyman. I’ve known. Just like I love every woman.
I just find something I like and love the hell right out of them and it!! Works all day everyday. And? I spread it around😆 like I figured Mama wanted me to do throwing me out into the world so soon and all. I was born ready guys!! Ask Mama. Ask me? I did do it.
I can love anyone. I love everyone. Even enemies perceived. Most fierce enemies melt on me. They growl. And Jeer. And bare their teeth at me. I nod. Yes. Nice smile buddy. What’s up? I say without quotations around it. He or she? Monster looks at me! Eyes red from Holding back tears to long and needing permissions to cry soldier. Be at ease said to them. They shrug. And melt into balls of delicate vapor. Like Helium is describe it. Light and noble for a moment. They stop and spend time in my energy and feel relief. And I talk their faces off, give a hug and a prayer, money, a smile, whatever I’m lead to do. And the storm subsided. They ground back in. Get it all off the chest. Breath. Smile. Maybe laugh.
Sometimes I fight with folks. Because they are fighting with themselves. And we all have to look at ourselves in another to see who we are appearing to be. Actions do speak loudly. And we all need to know how our actions are Having an affect? Affect is affect. And all affects have a good side. We must find it. That is a task we all need to get used to doing. Find the lesson. Pass the test.
Mama is my test. And she talks horrible and hides it. But. I’ve got these blue eyes my Daddy gave me. And I figure God like them too and wanted Mama to be able to look into them for comfort, because God knew I was gonna go home. And the same blue eyes that got Mama in so much troubles. Troubles she seeing differently now. Just a pattern. God’s ways are not our ways. Mamas very hard on herself.
Now you know where I get that? Daddy was spontaneous. Which is why I am here. And had these blue eyes of mine. God is hilarious! A baboon! I thought I say Mama melt the day I was going off by the car. Pacing and she was on the phone giving the report to god knows who? A sister. Yeah. Her face said it. She got all melty. Hell? My Dad may have been a pacer and a yeller? Or maybe the other way round?
She probably did yell at him. The story is he was a rascal. I think he just got labeled. Cuz he lost his Daddy. I think that’s why we clicked. We had that in common for a while for me at least. And I got him for three years. And it was enough. But. I don’t think Daddy got enough of Mama. So God made more. Me. And then brought me back to show them both what love’s child looks like all grown up beyond all the dreams. My dad never dreamed about me. And accepted me as I presented myself to him and I did the same. No garbage between us and that was a blessing for us both.
And for him to see what became of Linda.
The way I see it? It’s tragically beautiful. And they can stand beside each other and make sense to me. To hell with a world that would keep me from loving my Mama. It just can’t happen. At least I know the truth. Adoption threatened my bond and loyalty to the hilt. I did not budge, I just bent. Adoption bent the rules and lied, the world calls or truth? Oh please. Delusions of grandeur.
If? My Daddy has known? Well the story would not be like this? My younger sister would have been Huey’s daughter. But that’s not how it went. And I am ok with that. I need Mama to be ok with that. And ok with seeing him in me. It freaks her out and makes her weak in the knees all at once. I read her actions. That’s why I did not stay long. It was intense for us both.
If adopted kids experience spatial recognition? Mother do too and we must realize that. It’s a two way street in reunions. And it’s like a house of mirrors as we all take each other in and assimilate and integrate. The body just takes over through the brains basic functioning. It’s natural. Adoption just retards the growth and denies us the physical experience until we reunite and then it just takes over. My body is highly sensitive. And I do pay attention to what it tells me. Duh? Everyone should. Many don’t. Just dumb drivers out there. Abusing their own equipment I say.
And Mama sees herself and Huey. With makes it twice the spatial recognition for her? That’s intense for the brain of a woman denied this so long? People just don’t think about these things like me? Always thinking ahead. Tuning into my Mamas energy. I asked God, very young to always show me through signs, somehow, anyway how, when Mama needed prayers. I just did. Of course I felt her. Just like everyone else does when they are away from their Mama, at school or work, and vacations. It’s natural and beautiful and enjoy it while you can! I lost mine!
And now she’s back and I won’t waste a minute? Because every minute spent trying to work on my relationship, if Mama wants to wave knives around! And wonder why I take her groceries in? Well ok! Sign me up! I want that! If she wants to argue. Ok! Let’s go!! I’m ready. I can maintain a debate. I think that is evident here?
It’s surmountable the arguments I’ve had with what people said and how I felt about it in my court of the law of what my body said about it? No truer thermometer than my body’s own natural reactions to the stimulus. And then at time there were those few who would burst out crying. No arguing there. Just an honest, to goodness reaction of hearing about my adoption would send them weepy and chokes up. Apologizing. As they could feel it and did not deny the truth.
I know what a wounded bird looks like even if it is dressed like my own Mama. Mother’s Day is upon us. And she needs this present delivered on time. This is the year she’s shedding an old skin that grew rough from the weather. Because now. She’s safe to be herself.
All of herself. Including me. And hold her head up high with my sister gathered around as they gaze on her and now know what she’s gone through for love. It hurt her like hell. And I’m driving hell away. And she wanted us all to know and needed a messenger who would tell the truth. If it hurt me. It hurt her twice a bad. So many turns Mama down the rabbit hole she could find her way out. I am your Cheshire Cat Mama. Leading you back to sanity.
Life is crazy without you. It’s been crazy without me. I am a sane thing made from the past. So. The past can move forward if we do the work Mama sent you to do and being her back what she needs. Clarity. In these eyes of blue.
I see a beautiful woman. My Mama. I see a wonder of nature that I was spun from. And I know how much god loves you, as much as God loves me. And no. It doesn’t make sense unless you look through the lens of love. That’s why people call it crazy. It defies the mindsets. Defies the rules we make up as we go and pass down over and over.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Linda Marie? How could you believe anything other than love had come home? No conditions can keep me away? This loves like a Mac truck. And my body has a set point. I was deviated and severed, but not cut off completely or reprogrammed to cease from loving and longing for my own Mama.
So Mama if your reading. And I hope you are because we can’t waste anymore time twiddling our thumbs.
Happy Mamas Day.
You matter very much. And I’ve longed for you always and I am grateful to God and myself for being able to tell you that here and let the world watch me. You try to bring me down I’m a go harder.
Love is alive Mama. It never died.
let this jam pump you up. Love is the aim and the point. The target. Adoption just was a detour for love. But? God is the master of GPS.
Go love your Mama if your not adopted or separated from Her damnit!! Look at me!!learn the lesson! She’s priceless!! All she wants is love and appreciation. And for you to see she’s suffered for you. Mamas always want better. And Adoptions a hell of a way to get it. But I learned better.
Mama would want me too. And she would want me to tell her everything about it. She hated that old story anyway. She’s glad I blew it up now. She glad I give a shit. She’s glad I did not give up on her. And she glad she can now be publicly glad to be my Mama.