But no worries Mama. This volcanos yours. Still.
Block me all you want. But you still can feel me. All around you. Just pick up anything I’ve given you. Close your eyes. And I am there. Xox.
and now. You know exactly what I am saying. Which rules out what everyone else thinks I am saying. Boom! Light on!
No judgement here. And set all the haters straight the whole way to your door Mama. One at a time. And now silencing your own inner hater. Sit down and shut up and leave my Mama alone!! Enough!! Peace be still! Silence!!! All voice except mine!! Love will have her say and her Day! And I choose Mamas day to say!!
Yell!! I LOVE YOU MAMA!! Always and forever. Backwards and forwards and even if it seems to taste like hate!! You know why I am angry?
Because you believed the lie!! And blocked the truth girl!! Lmao. You are funny. Ha ha ha. YOU DONT GET TO GIVE UP ON ME. WHY? BECAUSE I GAVE IT UP FOR YOU!! I have given you the best gift girl. Lord have mercy. Read it and weep Mama for joy. Your girls got it right. 👇👇👇👇
I am cut from the book of John. The book of love. I am covered in the blood of Jesus. Drenched with grace. Walking in a continual state of forgiveness. Called Adopted for your sake not mine. I full well knew who’s I was, just not your names. I struggle with names. But I remember the energy of a person. Especially my own Mama. I copied everything about her and added some new touches. Proud of my manors that are dead ringers for her.
Nailed this part of her to a tee!! 4!!! Hole in one. No sand traps here. Been practicing more than tiger woods for this match of minds and wills to bend them rules with precisely spoken words and tearing down and old story brick by brick and redoing the whole thing using the same supplied. Just said it different. My twist of lime with this gin and tonic.
When you move it all around. Move this to there and polish up the parts that seemed dull? The whole story takes on a new life. I’ve thrown the shades open. And chased all Mamas shadows away. Opened the window and begged the wind to blow fresh air within. Yeah. I’m like a pixie. I am a pixie. Look at my hair now. My body did all the work changing me from Just Linda’s daughter to Huey’s too. Cuz Mama thought he was hot as hell. My body gave Mama what her body wanted to see. What can I say? I watched it. It was hard to let go of not the hair, but the persona that went with the hair.
And, to integrate the two. Find a way to be both of my parents. It just happened. And I’ve been talking about it while I’ve been changing before you eyes. Like a butterfly being the reporter of the process of coming out of the cocoon and what it felt like being a caterpillar and changing into a butterfly. Talking about how you mind goes to goo and then all of you? And how I part of you dies and yet you still live? While changing?
And how amazing it is to be able to share that with your Mama? Inner rags to inner riches baby. Bingo!! I am still catholic. And a preacher the likes no ones ever seen. Not even Mama who prayed me in. Begging God for more Manna. Starving at times for understanding. Hungry. Pouring over books and saturating herself with radio. She impressed me. Just like I’ve impressed every preacher along the way.
Anointed. From both sides of my family. Don’t be mad cuz I know where everything comes from!! I did my homework and paid attention!! I am just as worthy as King David. So are you. I’m just crazy enough to believe it. One thing I do know about being Adopted and chosen. We got chosen right. Adopted, no. Chosen and adapted. Not all adoptees have adapted like me. Many want to and just don’t realize it yet. Because there is no way to cut any of it off.
The story does not make sense without all of it. Pain. Struggles. Overcoming. Shock. Prayer. Going within. Cleaning up your own forgiveness. Tell on your self to Mama so she can forgive you too and herself. And your Daddy. And God. Grace is here always. But we must ask for it.
You know? When you learn your lesson. And pass the biggest test of your life. You graduate with honors. And so do your Mamas. We all failed. But I don’t let anyone on my team give up. I am a leader my Mama can be proud of. Cuz I stood up to her. I didn’t touch her. Except in her mind and heart.
I kissed her face. And hugged her my last visit. She knows what I feel for her. But do you? Yeah. You? And how does that make you feel to know that the potential for relationships to be felt this strongly? Is possible. My Mama and I are proof. Integration is possible. It’s different. But not entirely bad once everyone’s honest and open. It’s becoming a normal now to be blogging and sharing about Mama publicly. Feel good to have this out at last and to feel authentic, having spoken up for myself to bring awareness for us all to consider others.
And do the work to help them see things from your perspective. A non emotional way to describe it is to a woman mascara has run down her eye. You can 1-
say nothing. 2-tell her and risk? She might get upset? And find out you were the only one honest enough to speak up and help her change it? Mascara is funny when smeared. But emotional scares like Mamas has to deal with is not funny at all. Anxiety is not fun. Nor panic attacks. And her OCD tendencies, all link to a trauma that happened even before me. I believe it was with Grandpa Gerald. And I know I’ve said it before. He’s wanting to make it clear he was wrong. He said to type that. Wrong about you, Linda Marie my daughter. I was wrong about your baby too.
I’m trying to show you, my sorrow for this. I failed you. I did. I did. And this child listens. It’s me. It is. I was wrong. You are an amazing Mother. Amazing. So faithful. I was an old fool. Please forgive me sweetie. Daddy was wrong. It’s me. I was wrong. You know your Mama prayed about it and God listens to that woman.
Daddy’s trying to make this right. You deserve this apology. Channeled through the child I wronged as well for failing you. As your father I must make this right. And this is how I chose to do it. Through her. We all have love for you beyond the veil dear. All. It’s only love here. All is forgiven here. Receive it there.
Happy Mothers day my daughter.
From us all.
You are amazing. Oh. Feel it. It’s yours. Love.
How humbled I am right now. This is a real weird way to present your gifts to the world. But? I’m unique.
And I felt all of that message and it was not me. I felt him. Strong and manly. Yet gentle. He has a tongue on him. And? I’d say he used me to cut some things out of Mamas mind? The whole time? She did act like she saw a ghost when I went to see her each time? Weird as hell being used like that?
God just took over and used all my dna to change this because it was to be changed. Like growing. A plant does not stay small. It grows and gets tall and turns into a big tree with branches and roots. She’s my roots. And I’m crazy about her. And as you can see? I give a shit everyone knows.
And happy Mothers day! I hope you like all your presents. Less to dust. Great memories always are. Especially silly fun ones with Parlous loop de loops to make sure you barf up the bad food you ate before the ride? So you don’t end up sick that night and can’t go dancing?
Life is up and down. And side to side. Dancing. Swinging. Twirling. Pulling in close and throwing it back out. Sachet side step. Doe see doe. And we should be thinking about it being like that and not that other stuff? Blocking? This is not football? It’s our family dynamic here. If it is football? We need help? I’m not afraid to be out spoken. To stir the pot and throw some spices in now and again and change the whole recipe with just one ingredient or more? Vinegar is good in chicken soup. Try it. Sour things do help. And we can digest them.
Mama is digesting what I told her she would digest or eat. And? She kind of like how I prepared it. I’ve impressed her. I’m a spicy thing. It’s been making her sick anyway.
I’m describing the same thing many different ways. Mama and I are updating and integrating at a mental level. It’s really beautiful.