I used to love yo catch lizards growing up. Reptilian brain is exactly right. Left alone. Neglected. Left wild like? Hellen Keller. Needing my teacher to help me do better.
Scatting about. Here and there. Wild. Untamed. Captured. Held against my will.
Adoption made me so angry. I could not suit off my natural desire for my Mama. And yes. I need my Mama to hit me hard, not literally. Mentally. To get back my equilibrium.
When. You know you need help. And you grow up knowing everyone’s basically lying to you? You know you need your Mama.
I may never get that. And facing that is upsetting me you know end after 5 years of trying to explain myself? Begging my own Mama yo take me back basically? Made me kind of? Fall apart.
To face no hope of the help I always knew I needed and that the strangers who raised me would never know what’s best for me? I grew up feeling so out of place. Going through like like a toe sticking out of a shoe, getting banged into and sore.
Sticking out and wishing I could just hide. Knowing I was fucked. And feeling my only hope was Mama. Yeah. I was basically raised by a lizard to act like a lizard. But I am a wolf. Not a lizard. Because I came from a wolf.
So. Mamas been seeing the handy work of her successor. And having a good long look at what she taught me. What I learned. And hopefully what I was missing. And hopefully, God won’t let me down now. Like I need my sisters too? So bad. So bad.
Especially Victoria. She’s the sister I boned with the most, because she bonded back with me. It’s was a kindred spirit between us. If you add our birthdays together you get the day my Mamas mom was born. We together she and I energetically represent Gramma R.
The numbers and names linked to my family is mind blowing. Birthdays. Numbers. Names. I named my first born and gave her Marie as her middle name? That’s my Mamas middle name? My eldest is born in the same month as my Mama. my son. Almost named after my Great grandfather? And has us name spelled differently. A Virgo too. Like Mama.
My daughter. Born October. Same sign as Phil. And if my family and I were closer? There’s more I’m sure of it. But everyone’s all clammed yo. Adoption paralysis I call it. It hits the throat. Mind. And hearts. And has a jamming affect.
We all have it. Jammed up by who? The third party in our affair. My adopted family. Who. For lack of knowing? Messed up the recipe of me. And I need Mama. And her spicy wonderful self to help me taste better. It’s to sour and to to. I need a tone down. I need her touch to soften this bull in a stranger china cabinet that’s wanting to get out!
But driving up to her house has not proved anything? Except that we all are needing a correction. Mamas the leader. And any good leader need the messages that been riding all night, wore and clutching the letter to arrive with what she needs to change her course.
Strategy. But we all had to get our emotions cleared to see straight? To many lies. To much smoke. To even battle what’s happened to us all. If one stone makes a ripple affect? This stone has rippled back a message to Mama that I feel she needs to heed.
A distress signal that’s been going for years. Finally Broke the sound barrier. To reach my queens ear. May god. Grant her speed of mind and wit to respond. God bless my queen.
And beyond the damage is a little girl in me. Who’s lost it. And just fought like hell to reach a place to yell like hell! Mama!!! Ive never wavered from that stand and have taken some Heat about it. I won’t take it back. It is my loyalty and my allegiance. If god sees fit to leave me without her. I will live loving her divided from her. I will live my life with the pain of what that means to this girl. And I will go down. Loyal to that. That is my code of Honor.