Because our grief is the proof of our love and that it’s real. That I was real. That she did give birth to me. And yes. She gave me away. And yes. I grew up. Did my work on myself. And came home to work some more.
Because grief was killing me. And my grief was not her death persay. It was the death of our relationship. Living with her still living? Knowing I’d have to pray like hell my way home? Grieved me. Knowing she could and would reject me again? Grieved me.
There is nothing wrong with self praise. It’s verbal self love that’s all. I am my best cheerleader. I know the goals. And not just the mistakes I make like others who only see what I’ve done and not what I am working to do and be? We all fall down. Shall I lay down? And just let it keep me down? No. Shall I let it keep getting in the way of a great relationship that’s trying to grow with My Own Mama? Hell no.
And that’s what I am Illustrating here. And yes. It’s all over the place because there are a lot of things hinges to this one decision my Mama made back in the day, and affects from that decision that need to be faced and to glean the wisdom of what was learn if at all. I will not be just Moses. No.I’m going to the promised land and taking as many as I can with me. Home. To Mamas house. To their own Mamas house. To have what is theirs by birthright. The laws state and yet are flagrantly disobeyed. Even God’s law. If a child is moved it is not received as a gift. If a child is a curse? Then it’s we that are sick.
My Mamas been sick since the day I left. Her whole body took a hit just like mine.
And her mind too a hit? And was filled with lies. Well meaning lies of course. The best kind? Always love white lies. So angelic and holy seeming. Adoption is a white lie. The word is a lie. Adoption is disobedience to natural laws. So you fuck yourself messing with it. Like a tar pit. Don’t go there. We can disobey natural Laws.
Yep. We can. Sounds a bit childish for anyone to wave a free will ticket it say I don’t want to. And stamp their feet. But it happens. People don’t grow up and get stuck wanting their own way above the ways of this planet. Adoption is one of those things above the ways. A made up way. That’s not a way. Just a detour. Took me 30 to reach Mama physically. 26 to reach her mind of in la la land.
It’s God’s help. I’ve unraveled her mind. All spin up in a nice neat bun? 50’s style. And hair spray, lots of it! To hold it all together. But. The white rain? Just could keep Holding out? At some point Mama was gonna have to redo the bun? Wash it? Dry it, set it again.
Now Grandmother Renzi’s here. Tell me
How to tell Mama how it’s going down. Hair dresser style. Lol. It’s time for a new do Linda. I’ve got just the thing for you. And someone I’ve trained myself. She’s a gifted hairstylist in her own right. Has cut many people’s hair for free. She’s giving honey. She’s a good girl. I’ve watched over her and helped with the things you worried about. Like being like her daddy’s bad side. And shes done the work. Don’t you worry. Renzi’s got you darling.
Just let her give you this new do. We all over here are rooting for you both. Everyone’s rooting. Trust that. You are not alone darling. And you are my grand babies Mama. Don’t you feel bad now. I understand and I’m not angry? Hurts not angry either. We all forgive ourselves for what we wish we could have known.
Just know it now while theirs time to enjoy her darling. She truly loves you. Trust your heart. It’s safe now.
I just love grandma Renzi’s. She’s taught me so much. I learned to but hair at 15. And cut all my girlfriends hair. Had my own mini salon when I was a teen and cut even my boyfriends hair. We used to do perms and color and cuts. Style. Makeup. I even had a dresser that was my station. Before I was even out of school? Lol.
And I’ve carried this on into adulthood and styles my children, husbands and my children’s friends. I’m grateful I found out that my grandmother Renzi’s was a beautician and had her own shop not 30 miles away from me. Like wow. That’s a strong bond to my dna. And adoptees discover every similar things. But everyone’s so conflicted by the time we get home? No one even gets excited cus they are trying to hide whatever? Makes no sense.
Adoption has poor planning if you ask me. No projecting out? Cause and affects? Pro and cons? Just pros? That’s lopsided missy! 5 years! I’ve gone on and one about this are you all blind and deaf! It affected me!! I’ve got reams of data!!!! From experiences!! Try to back me down!
Griefs here to stay. And has taught us a valuable lesson that we need to make sure goes down the line of our family trees. Cheaper to keep her or him. In the end. The damage is horrific and taxing on us all involved and I am personally tired of dealing with folks who want to put their heads in the sand instead of change it! Or run? We live on and in a ball? Where can we run too?
If we can’t kill an idea? Make it out friend and change it instead of kill it? Martin Luther king jr. had a dream. I am so grateful for the black ebony man who preached to me as Child!! Cuz I have a dream too. And I want all my brothers and sisters to be able to go home with FULL HONORS. DECORATED FOR VALORE ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF OUR DUTIES TO LOVE STRANGERS AS OUR OWN.
My Mama. Who did not go on this field trip with me. Struggles to love and be able to show unconditional love to herself and to us girls. Especially me these days. So. She needs this most. Unconditional love does not mean happy all day. It means we don’t back down or give up on each other.
Adoption changed me. Yes. But I never gave up on my Mamas. Either of them. And will see them both through thank you. Please do not tell me my adopted Mama is my Mama. No. Both are my Mamas.
We will grieve Mama. Always for the loss. This is true. But forward we will respect the grief and pay our homage to a grief that did not lead to loss, but to a huge gain. We now know the price. We paid in full. To be able to love each other for as long as we have here with all Our hearts now. Together. We’ve made it through this loss.
And when either of us goes. It will be ok. I will be ok. You will be ok. The girls will be ok. But for now. Let’s allow grief to close this wound of separation. Because we have more days to have joy together now that we faced our own griefs. Together and not alone anymore Mama. No need to cry alone like me because there’s no one who would understand. You’ve got me now. Arms open. Just want to love you.
And I can take it and just help you give it to god.
Do you remember what you said to me our first phone conversation? You said, well, I believe that the mother, is the brownie leader and the one who stays up all night sewing the prom dress? Remember? Do you remember what I said? Well? My Mom did not do those things. And I don’t care what you did or you did not do? Meaning. I forgive you. You are still My Mama. And I love you. And made yours speechless.
What could you say to that? Kind of cut to the quick. And of course you denied I meant it? That’s ok? I did mean it. And if you need to know all I’ve had to forgive you for to make it all better? If you needed a few last lashing? Ok?
But I’m kind of done and want come visit? When are you gonna be ready for me and invite me up? Why not buy me an Uber? Why not? Who says you can’t who? Would? That’s what I am saying? What have I asked of you? Your ear?
I value time doesn’t with you. Ok there. Time with you. Can you Spare some time? Can the girls approve of some time doesn’t with me? Or do you have a mind of your own? Grandma Halterman/Roush says just do it. She is a rebel. She made me correct and add grandpa Gerald last name. For you. 💋 she’s all around right now Mama. I know you feel her. And that’s why these messages keep coming. To help your faith that God’s this powerful to do this for you through me. Yeah. Make me Kind of tear up.
Cuz I grew up feeling so dumb and turned around so many time? To be here boldly typing my feelings unabashed to you feels amazing. Just like God showed me in my dreams. Yes. I’ve had a dream. About you. And it’s not creepy? Damn? Your my Mama. Like this really did a number on your mind in shifting gears Mama? No disrespect. Just a comment.
Personally? Did not think it was that bad now? I felt I’d blog a bit and then we’d be back together and moving along? I figure you’d call me when Chelsie left? Knowing that would Hurt me? I figured you give a shit? I figured you’d want to see me and work this out? But you were not even connected to your own hurt and had denied it so long? You just kept Blocking things? Blocking’s good for football Mama? Not relationships. God can only take so much blocking? Back to Moses. Did that work? Holding people in bondage? No. It didn’t.
Pay attention. You can either be Moses in the story? Or Pharaoh? Or the complaining people? Aaron? Anyone? I want to be a Moses who gets to go into the promised land and enjoy it. And we can have that. Our actions can make a difference. And we can change the affect to a better outcome if we have a big picture mindset which is expanded and broad. Like broadbands? Minds are the tools we use to create our own stories. God doesn’t condemn us to die with an old story line we don’t like?
Moses did not have to stay behind. He chose to die to lack of updates. Disobedience of natural law by wAy it updating yourself. He missed the mark and no one helped him. They never he have him the feedback he need to change too? That’s what I am saying? My Mamas honest feedback however horrific has given me the mark I am shooting for. Like a bat. I just felt my way through her energies. Sonar. Felt my way past the anxiety and trauma to her beating heart. Where I placed my imaginary hand and prayed for her to live again.