If you can’t grow up with your Mama? You can grow up with your kids. What do I mean?
Kids are honest. Most of my life well meaning people withheld the truth from me which made certain habits and behaviors just keep going. And as much as we don’t want to say it? They’ve paid a price and helped finish me off in my raising department. That’s not intentionally why I wanted children? Other than having some blood relatives of my own gene pool? And honesty.
And God delivered because I knew I needed them. Unlike my own Mama who threw her daughter away? I wanted their love and their truths so I could be all I came to be. And they delivered.
I raised the best way I could using my memories of Mama to guide my way? I used the good memories to build a life with my kids that would last any tests we might meet together. But? Mama Jean had her hand in my cookie jar of learning how to Mother? And she didn’t really raise me like I raised my children? I kept them close as I could and still eat.
Why? Because I know how the world is. And I am a lead by example person. Which meant that I was a cutting edge Mama who mixed fathering and mothering together. I’m not a worry wart. I hate to nag!! And I lecture like a father does who takes the time to explain why the trouble came. So they? Could adjust. I did what was not done for me for them.
And built my own tribe. A strong tribe. From my wounded heart and worked so hard to raise them well and not to lean on me but the knowledge I gave them to survive and thrive.
I went on the field trips. I sowed the cloths and patches. I cut the hair and baked the goodies they ate when they got home when I wasn’t working to pay the bills. There were times that I was unable to be there with them. For that? I apologize. I was being a father and earning a living. I expected them to live life as I lead them by my example while I was at work. But kids are kids and I knew that too. We all made mistakes. And I love them even more because we don’t let it get between us. We clean as we go.
And now. After all my raising them and them raising me? My Mama thinks she has a right to just but in and block me out? Who’s ones
the door honey? Yeah. Me. And Mama felt so comfortable and I wanted her good and comfortable so her weaknesses would come out. And they did. And she shares them all with Chelsie.
Let’s look at Chelsie? All blocked off? Just like Mama? And excuse me Chelsie for putting it on blast? But you should know? I played you too to see your weakness? And in yours are mine? So we all getting it baby doll. You know me? I own my shit and expect you to own yours. And my Mama don’t get no special treatment. And you know that well.
- And Chelsie. Thanks for showing grammas hand to me. Which shows what’s in me that no one could see or even alert me too? Thanks honey. I love you truly. You had no idea. How sensitive you are. Xoxo. I’m listening baby. To your prayers too.
- God’s telling on us all and I am the conduit. I gladly accepted to clean my life up and to allow God to rule my life and that included my family and Mama issues.
- I want to grow up you see? I’ve taught my kids the psycho babble. They understand me. But this is taxing. I get it Chelsie. It’s been intense. And God’s blessing you for your loyalty and for getting out of Mamas way so she can dress down her own Mama?
- I only write this here as a record of my stand so my kids have no doubts if their training and why. No one messes with my kids. Not even me! Let alone my own Mamas bullshit show. Chelsie would not tell you? It was not her place. But she’s knows me. And when I’ve had enough? I’ve had enough.
- Yes. I let my kids fall. We all fall down. Moms would be catching babies all day if we did not teach our children to be safe? And if they have not fallin. They learn and that’s key. Pain happens. My kids now know how much pain I carried in regards to my own Mama. And how hard it was, conflicting as I gave them, and myself what I wanted growing up? Hoping they would like my gifts to us all?
- There are not many of my children’s kids that had a Mama like me? Hard core and soft and mellow. A roller coaster ride. Just like life is. Teaching them how to ride hell. And make it heaven. We had our challenges. And we overcame them.
- My house as they grew up was always full of my kids friends. The extended tribe of children I had the honor to know because my kids shared them with me. Thank you guys. 💋that was so nice to receive back from you all. 💋
- I am a bitch. And the bitch in me gets the job done. Come hell or hide water. Even if it takes me 26 years. And Mama. You better take it all back or else! Don’t even try to turn one of my baby’s away from me? You are sick! And it’s time to get well. I do have the full right to address you and sign it in blood.
- How dare you block me! How dare you not call me? Especially when miss Chelsie left me with no good bye? What kind of woman have you become? The shame people is with Mamas behaviors? Sisters? Have you had enough of this? How long are you all gonna just leave her like this? How can I bear this? It’s tragic. Pains me to no end.
- Without me dressing you down? You can’t get dressed? Uck. Nasty poo poo. Call me disrespectful. Or? Call me brave to be the one who tells the emperor he’s naked?
Your friends who have children adopted? Have you asked them for help with me? Have you spoken to anyone about me? And if their relationships are so great? Then why haven’t you asked them why? Reach out Mama? They can bring much help Mama. And maybe I am balls to the walls? That’s the affect it has on me? Ok? Can’t take it back now? I held it in and hid my issues for years.
My biggest issue was living without you. And still affects me while you are alive and I will die pursuing you. To get over it. Whatever. My love will not be held back any longer. Shall I disposed my oath to God to love you? Sell my soul to the devil? Deny my own heritage? And people? That’s might be some people? It’s not me. I just keep going after what I want and need till I get it. Boom boom boom. Capricorn. Get Er done!
And hey kids. I don’t back down. Neither should you.
I knew growing up that people withheld things from me out of pity. My temper was left without proper tools to overcome. I had to learn to change and temper my temper while tasing my own children. I walked threw the fire as they taught me How to change. By fucking up? They taught me as I taught hem how to teach me my lessons. It’s was not easy to submit to my adults in training critics and honest feedback always especially when I missed the targeted behaviors.
They are not like me because of me and despite me. Thanks god. It’s was not easy to bust my own ass and own it for my children. People do not respect children as leaders and I would disagree. They are excellent leader. Mine are superior leaders. They bust my chops and I am grateful. They made me better. They made me face my own bullshit.
And this family feuds got to end. Whatever this is? Needs to stop. My feelings weighs in that we need to come together. It’s like we all are allowing this to keep us apart? And why? Yes. I’ve spoken some real rough truths? Rock bottom is the best place to rebuild our foundation, no? We all should be supporting each other for bearing all of this collectively as a unit?
Just know I love all of you who are going through it in the adoption world. I’m
Showing you my world so we can see we all are about normal in adoption with our family drama and coming home tale and misunderstandings? Adoption did do a number on us all and we are altered. But we don’t have to stay in our altered state? We can move? We are not trees? We can change our positions and their is no shame unless we refuse the updates?
Mama gave me away. Get used to it. And let’s make it end. And I came home anyway. Like a boomerang. And that’s a good thing. Who wants to loose a boomerang? They are not cheap?