I’m just like these boys, not wanting my own Mama to eat alone, or have to do anything alone or without me.
Just because I was adopted. Just because the world said she rejected me. Just because she did reject me for that matter does not mean I must agree? Or reject her back? No.
Just like these boys sitting to eat with a strange lady? I’ve sat with a strange lady and have come to call her Mom. And loved her and created memories with her. She knows I love her because I show it. Even if people think my blog is a shame and a sham? Even if people say that my truth is to much? And I should keep it to myself? I love both my Mamas my own way.
And the fact that I am adopted only shows I do it twice and hard. To be adopted means you have two Mamas. And that a fact. And for me. They both matter in many ways for me. I won’t back down off that one ever. Two Mamas. One child. My story is unique. And if folks don’t like it? Take it up with Mama? She ordered this. She’s paying the bill.
She just did not think that this was how her order would turn out. Well to bad Mama. Once you let me go? I changed but never let go. Own that fact for once will ya? Own me. Will ya?Own it all so we can move along and make better than that?
Why in the world would you hold on? Block me? Try to silences me with silence? Maybe that’s not what you’re doing? Sure feels like it? Especially now that I know you act like that with my sisters? You never kept me to tame me? So I am wild Mama. Yes. I don’t play by your rules. I play by a higher law now thanks to you.
How long are ya gonna block me? How long are you gonna leave me blogging all this? Have you. Had enough? Cuz I can keep writing and writing? I’m not gonna hold this in anymore while you powdered your nose? And yeah. You got free will? But now you know who paid for yours and so you know it wasn’t free? It cost me. Your daughter.
How long will you deny yourself a rewrite? Shall I send a case of bats for you to keep beating yourself up? I’m pointing. Deal with what I am pointing to. Those tiggers need to go! Those buttons need to be pushed to wake your ass up to today! Me. Waving my arms trying to pull you in for a hug?
We can’t let it go until we let it go because it ours to let go together and no along again. Got me? No more separations. Got it? I’m not gonna come up there? And have my own family acting so damn silly? Drama central. I came to see you and all you gotta yesterday’s trash to show me. Victoria needs to grow up and get over it. She’s got another sister. And I know where my place is. She’s the one who seems to be shaky? About hers?
No. I won’t let this go until you all invite me up to the let go party. So we can change our family traditions. And make new ones. Better ones.
I want you to think about it Mama? You’ve left yourself out in the rain. Is this really how you act towards your own daughter? Who came
Home? Like you want me to just leave you like that when I had to change? Oh hell no. Nope. We gonna walk our talk. And the scriptures that dictate a reunion. Love is tough.
Why in the hell would you even be scared? Why? Would you think that this is a curse? The curse is leaving us like this and staying the same? Go on. Be angry. It’s about time you own that emotions too! I did? Be upset at me if your still thinking it’s me that causes the pain? It’s was your own mind and actions that caused your own pain, which caused me pain? Because we were still connected and separated at a very very delicate time.
But we don’t have wallow all day here? That’s why I need you to make a move. A gesture. Something. Your phone listens better than you Mama? The car does not have your tongue any longer and their is nothing that you can say that will cause me to reject you! Get it in your head now!
Surrender to this. Like I did 5 years ago! And come towards me. How will you know if you don’t just try it? Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different results? I would like to stop blogging laments about you.
But unlike you? I can’t. And won’t bottle myself up for your comfort anymore. It’s hurts you being like this? It hurts seeing you block me? Your own daughter? And it’s hurt my sisters too. If this is how it feels? It’s needs to stop. And tot sweet missy.
Three acts of kindness came to your door Mama? Three times I came all the way up to your door? And you let my sister slam doors on me and call me names? What about it? Is that how you all treat a sister who’s loved your damn asses my whole life? Thanks guys. Great example for my baby girl. Great!
Teach her how to separate too? Brilliant? Just brilliant? I wish I could have blocked all of you. But that’s not how it was for me. Adoption was Mamas biggest block ever and it hurt like hell. Dumped. That is how it felt and she kept on blocking all my sisters too when she doesn’t like or understand? That’s sick mindedness and show me Mama struggles with negative situation she doesn’t understand? Blocking left her ignorant. Block. Blow over. Back together, block, blow over, back together. Sound familiar girls?
Who’s got the cycle issue now Victoria? Yeah. Didn’t see it like that did ya? I’m crazy?
Facing crazy is crazy. Making sense of crazy is crazy. But loving my Mama even though she’s crazy is all I can do. Crazy and all. I just want to give her the love within me that’s hers and get beyond crazy. Doors are for opening. Not just closing.
I’m the one who knows Adoptions rules. I’m the adoptee. So sit down and stop trying to tell me
How to be either. Doesn’t feel good does it? Yeah. I went there. To finish this bullshit show. To call us all out and level this playing field. We all matter. I’m just the only one owning it and speaking up? Don’t hate the messenger.