I am totally amazed.

I am totally amazed and totally shocked that my own Mama has blocked me, and struggles to put in the work with me. Yeah. It’s blows my mind that my own Mama is still blocking?

And I am amazed that my sisters agree? Passively by saying nothing and just maintaining the status quo. My family of origin dynamic is quite interesting. Hell? I’ve not had them around all my life? This is new. Family dynamic? Ok. Let’s learn about genetics and DNA patterning from, those who are genetically connected to me.

I’ve been quite startled and perplexed at my family’s dynamic. Evidently they blame their actions and reactions on me? How did I make them react the way they have and continue to do? Am I the wizard of Oz? Are they puppets? Or is it that due to genetic patterns, of which I have not learned how to just (deal with) were removed from my experience? Which made me less susceptible to just leave Mama acting so weird about her own kid?

Being raised without had its good side for me. But it wasn’t easy to get to the good side dealing with all my loss. People just act like loss of a Mama can be thrown away like a napkin? Let me tell you it can’t and for adoptees that rings true too. Except we don’t get to grieve openly. That would hurt people’s feelings and of course peoples feelings are at the top of the duty’s of the Adoptees life purpose! And I’m done dealing with that status quo.

I’m gonna deal with my own feelings about having to walk this high road of living. To be a child called out. Labels. Tagged bagged. Whatever. Adopted which is code of unwanted and everyone knows that. Duh? And yet people flower it up with made up words. Call it love. That’s sounds good. Awe. So sweet abandonment looks so much more inviting now that we painted it up.

Adoption is a sick game. And I am amazed that my Mama can’t even admit that. With her lips closed and her head bowed. What does she tell her Lord about all I write? I am amazed.

I’ve lived the life of two girls for two ungrateful woman. What the hell was it all for? Me? No. This is not me. Adoption misleads the world into believing this is for me or you if I can’t even go home after it’s all said and done. If my heritage that was taken from me, is not restored to me when I am clearly on base. I found home and my own Mama.

And in the game of life. Base is home. And home is safe. So? What’s off here with me and Mama? She’s base. I’ve got two bases now. She gave me another thinking she gave up her own requirement as my base for life? Blood bonds. How does paper make your Mama act in such a way? I am amazed and perplexed. Both.

There’s so much to have to process when you find home and your own Mama. What’s made sense doesn’t anymore. Sisters brothers and nieces and nephews. So many and me just one person wanting to do my damn best. Well to hell with it. What the hell is my best really? Who’s the authority of my best? If not me?

I’m amazed my family was so blindsided by the truth? Words sent them all running. Except Victoria who loves running into gun fire. Bless her. Vikings! And I love it. I’ve been amazed by people’s interpretations of what I say. And it would seem that my family can’t handle roasting?

Well I got roasted a lot growing up. Excuse me. Shall I change for you to be more comfortable? Pardon me family dynamics. Sounds like a good band name. Family Dynamic.

I’m amazed that people have felt I was ungrateful? That’s I was not humble or lowly enough? Many people expect adoptees to grovel and act lowly. Well. I just never liked that kind of behavior due to the fact that I was my Mamas daughter living a false life with a stranger trying to get grown to go home and find out what the hell this was all about?

Family relations means we relate. Am I supposed grovel now? Or can I just make a request? Am I seen as family yet? And I just think? This is what you earned trying to do the best you could with a broken heart? God must hate me bad. Yeah. I’m amazed my family can’t see that at all. And that they have not even tried to do something for me? And I’m supposed to be happy? When each day I see no letters or calls? No invites. No Pinterest. No facebooks or twitters?

Adoption is nothing more than genetic shunning at this point the way I see it. My family has shunned me for coming out about my true feelings. And I’m just ballsy enough to stand up and write it down here for a record if buzzard case scenarios. And a bad reaction to Adoption.

I’m amazed my family thought that they were so forgettable.

psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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