Marinated in abandonment, deception, blame, humiliation, isolation.
Check. They all are here. And I’m still dealing with it.
My family can just keep being abusive. And I will keep being traumatized.
Not such a great benefit adoption gave me.
If we only have one mother and she’s denied? Then I’ve been neglected for years by my one Mama who was informed that I would be better without her.
what this woman is saying is so validating. I’ve never met her but feel seen and heard. I am doing the work. Needed for myself to overcome the trauma adoption gave to me.
Talking. Crying. Expressing myself at long last. Permission to speak freely given by myself. Because as I’ve been writing, my Mama struggles to understand her involvement in the trauma I experienced. Nor can she understand her own trauma at denying her own child safety. Evidently she did not feel she was a safe choice for me either.
So I was fucked from the get go.
Adoption programmed me to accept abandonment as love. And I did not like the program and left it.
I checked out a lot of times when trauma came to call. So my story is a series of throwing events out. Round and round. Spiral thoughts and chunks missing.
And I blocked much of it, and after years the memories are coming back to the surface. Which is upsetting. And I wanted to try. To reach out to my Mama for safety.
And what I found was she doesn’t feel safe herself. And that I represent trauma to her. She reacts to my presence. And I know it’s our trauma that’s ignited.
Bonding is needed. And I know who I wish to bond with is the woman inside her that is still my Mama. And to mend our wounds. The wounds Adoptions gave us.
She says, ” pain so great their are no words”
Bingo. That’s Mama. And to process her trauma? She must speak up and get it out. And I am the one who needs to listen. I didn’t come here to tell my side just to tell my side. I came to lead Mama our by showing her how to get out is to say it and allow it to come forth. So that, she and I can heal it.
There is no need to carry anything to the grave. Shame, and all the like, can’t help anyone when we hide our truths. Shame keeps us traumatized and Believing that we can’t change. My trust might have been maimed. But my faith keeps me going I have a goal.
Mama. Has always been my goal. Love is my goal. Being loved and appreciated is my goal. And I began with myself by allowing myself to just share the nonsense so people can see what nonsense is formed when we abandon our calling to be a Mama and to be a child.
I have always owned my Mama and Dad and family. And that made it hard on me and it should not have. Why is it my fault I still love my parents when everyone else loves there’s and why is longing for a better relationship with your own Mama crazy? No matter what age a good relationship with your Mama is always a help.
I’m here and I’m alive.
My blog is a testimony of this woman who love her Mama dearly and wants restoration desperately. This blog shows my Mama that she too can have strength to speak up and out about her own traumatic experiences being my Mama and denied access.