Your Mother kept you? How benign.

Including my own children. Benign to be malignantly labeled by there own Mama.

My children’s only view of malignancy was through experiencing a my reaction to being treated like a malignancy by her own Mama. And in some sense it rubbed off.

When you arrive. Meaning when you are born and the growing has completed and you need to exit the oven you spring from. It’s not the beginning. It’s a new chapter. For me? One that did not include my own Mama, but a replacement Mama.

Sure. I was excited. My time with my own Mama has taught me so much about the world around me? Around her? All the sounds and noises? My sisters voices all around me? Seemed like an ok world? Mama had her issues but? I seemed to feel it would all be ok.

And then? I went home with someone else and it all changed. Fear hit me like a run of bricks. Panic issued. And I could not stop my bodies response to what I now know was separation from my Mama. It’s taken me time to figure out what pained me? I to was blindsided at two days old.

I knew inside her womb that something called leaving was going to happen and that Mama was being strong about it. I did not like the feeling. I grew inside that feeling. Of hope and dread. I grew forth to understand and yet have no words to describe that feeling. A ripping of your mind and body that no one saw coming.

malignant

 adjective

ma·lig·nant |  \ mə-ˈlig-nənt   \

Definition of malignant

1: tending to produce death or deteriorationmalignant malariaespecially  : tending to infiltrate, metastasize, and terminate fatally a malignant tumor 
2a: evil in nature, influence, or effect : INJURIOUSa powerful and malignantinfluence
b: passionately and relentlessly malevolent : aggressively maliciousthe malignant tongues of gossipers
cobsolete  : MALCONTENT, DISAFFECTED

I was labeled malignant. Like a tumor? Needing to be removed and discarded, labeled as a malicious child that must be removed from origin and thrown to the wolves, trash.

be·nign
/bəˈnīn/

adjective
  1. 1. 
  2. gentle; kindly.
  3. “his benign but firm manner”
  4. synonyms: kindly, kind, warmhearted, good-natured, friendly, warm, affectionate, agreeable, amiable, good-humored, genial, congenial, cordial, approachable, tender, tenderhearted, softhearted, gentle, sympathetic, compassionate, caring, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, well disposed, obliging, accommodating, generous, big-hearted, unselfish, benevolent, gracious, liberal, indulgent;

    rarebenignant

    “he adopted a benign grandfatherly role”

    • 2. 
    • MEDICINE
    • (of a disease) not harmful in effect: in particular, (of a tumor) not malignant.

I was a malignant pregnancy not a benign one. The Mother rejected me. And this? Did not surprise anyone?! Not one said oh my? Why? Linda? Because they could not? Linda did not tell anyone except who needed to know.

Somewhere in her head? I was labeled malignant? I wonder where she got that idea? Get rid of the baby? You’ve been caught being a woman! Having sex with a man and no license to be able to own your handy work?

Just. Cut that off and give it away. Where does such an idea spring from? Church? That makes me ill thinking about? Are we pro-life or not? My life did not end at birth people? What about the rest? Of my life? Spent with strangers, why? Just because?

Where is the responsibility for your own actions in this? Why did my Mama get to get off the hook? Why did she feel it was a hook for that matter? What went wrong with Linda Marie? And after all this blogging does it truly look like better? I’m not gonna hide it. Look!

Have a good long look at where my Mama was left? 25? Two kids? Divorcing. She must have had a good reason to leave that man. Or. She would not have. Who helped her? Where was my granny’s? Did she tell them? Did Gran Gran know? What did my Mamas family think about Huey? That’s a good one? Why was adopting me away from the family better?

I felt malignant growing up. You could put pretty pink dresses on me all day and I felt like shit. Stuck. Playing someone else’s daughter instead of just being myself? Oh. Excuse me for being so raw and real and not padding and stroking everyone ego like I have my whole life. Just to live.

And hopefully make it home and fix my Mamas thinking about me. No one else did. Nope. No one. What a horrible predicament she was in and me taking the blame. Yeah. I took the blame and was removed from my placement by an idea that I was wrong.

The church seemed to think it best to promote woman disobeying God’s word and abandoning what God made within them. Yeah! Still does. Let no man put asunder what God has joined together. Just words with no meaning beyond matrimony? Oh. I see? Hmm. I thought the word was living? Hmmm? Seems people quite a limited interpretation of the word?

My Mama must realize the malignancy is within her own mind. And that the thought that I am anything other than her daughter must go, not me. I am upset for all Mama who have Fallen prey. Twisted words? Yep. That’s the devil. A little folding of the hands. People think they can just rearrange things to suit? Well so can I.

Oh? Because men back in the day wrote it and interpreted it we can challenge its meaning? I dare say? Does not it say, test me? And we tested. And in my case the test failed. I did not just become someone else’s daughter by nurture. I became two woman’s daughter by nurture and one by nature. And nature won.

This malignant child grew benign. And just wanted to correct her Mamas mind.

And place loves kiss where the boo boo was and watch it heal. Minds can heal. People change. People stay the same because no one challenges the mindsets. How does anyone learn a thing?

People have tried to make me conform to their ideas of me my whole life as if I am play dough or something? Tried to label me. But I don’t stay the same. So they just call me crazy? Because I choose to grow and change and become better? I make no sense? Like wow?

Because I have challenged my whole families ideas of me? I’m crazy? Because I did it publicly? Brilliantly crazy. Public record for all to see the truth.

Curse by my own Mama and they told her she was blessing me! Church pay attention. The Great Whore will judge you. Because their is no whore. Only sick men who need and want sex more than chastely. All you men can’t seem to get enough. And the church is mostly run by men? With the help of trusting Nuns? They started the movement. Men. So possessive. Still trying to own us.

Well this power play is over. I’ve had it with this ignorant shit and leaving woman dumb. Excuses made? Blah blah blah. Well meaning people doing mean things that don’t lead to wellness and not even realizing it? Take an orphan to lay it out? Ok? I’ve got time and a cell phone and lots of things to say.

It’s always best to lay it out in written form so you can get a better grasp of what’s really going on. No ones really had a good enough reason to think twice about The practice if Adoption and why we have not even figure out it’s against the higher laws?

Children in China don’t have to be left in orphanages? Parents can be supported in keeping their children even if they are disabled? Why is it easier to bring them to say, the USA? Why? Is not China the best place for Chinese children to grow up with their own parents yet? That’s the issue? Not throwing children all over god’s green earth? Leaving them in some stupid witness protection program from hell?

I’m just connecting the dots that are already part of this framework. Each of us contributes to the collective mind here. If radio waves exist then brain waves exist and can affect each other. Duh? With trillions of children denied their own parents what do you think the collective mind feels about it? Bypolar. Yes. People feel it and push away the pain not realizing we are all connected and that it’s we who created the pains in the mind first.

Each action has an equal and opposite reaction. Adoption hits a few, there are many actions that caused reaction in my body and mind and spirit. I was grieved immensely by being separated from my Mama. I took a hit and kept on going? Which is what we are supposed to do. But we should not be hit that hard and there is really no need?

When we set up a better structure that is supportive of procreation. When woman finally stand up and have had enough of sexual exploits and abuse. I mean woman get paid to put up with it? Well I might add? I’m just beginning a descent conversation founded in some truth to get us changing things around here.

People don’t think Adoption is demoralizing.

Tell me this does not describe adoption wake.

demoralize

 verb

de·mor·al·ize |  \ di-ˈmȯr-ə-ˌlīz   , ˌdē-, -ˈmär-\
demoralized; demoralizing; demoralizes

Definition of demoralize

transitive verb

1: to cause to turn aside or away from what is good or true or morally right : to corrupt the morals of
2a: to weaken the morale of : DISCOURAGE, DISPIRITwere demoralized by the loss
b: to upset or destroy the normal functioning of foreclosures were further demoralizing an already desperate real-estate market— F. D. Roosevelt
c: to throw into disorder

Procreation is a moral duty to evolution. No children no future.

What the hell are family ties? If we can just undo them? Do they bind or not?

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psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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