Yes. Her name came up on my phone and it began to ring. I was shocked. I thought? “Oh shit! Oh my god! She’s calling me what do I do?”
And I went outside. Why? I don’t know?
And I answer, “hello”. And nothing. I listen and then put it on speaker phone. Mama is silly. I can’t make this shit up. I’m just telling you so you can see the connections and synchronicities? It boggles my mind how this happens.
So I walk back into the garage. My oldest is there. I tell her who’s on the phone. She’s not impressed and mutes the line. There’s rustling and mumbling. Breathing. A sigh. And sounded like ice cubes? Hitting a glass? Maybe she was pouring herself a drink. If she meant to call me I could imagine that happening? Calm the nerves maybe?
Or her phone just dialed me which is so God. And I love it if so. Just shows me I’m linked in. Nothing Mama can do about it.
Trying to get folks to see that’s not a bad thing? Big job. My sister thought I was attacking our Mama? That’s not cool. She couldn’t even see what I saw? It’s been written on her face so long my family can’t even read it? Oh I’m a reader of another kind thanks to Adoption. Reading people’s energy is how I stay safe.
How I overcame abuse and neglect and sexual predators. Remember the energies of those people helps me steer away from folks like that, or confront folks like that. I’m safe now. Just still got this homesickness thing. Can’t seem to shake it. Feels like being some soldier of some kind of lost episode where the soldier gets dropped off and has to find his or her way back to base? Totally. Except the show shuts down and gives up on the person instead of sending a helicopter in to bring him/her back?
I mean it makes no sense? What is wrong with being homesick anyway? Is t home something to be sick about loosing and being denied? Adoptees are people too. We are our parents children and deserve the best which is our own parents. It just fits better.
Adoption felt fake the whole way.
Excuse me for bursting your bubbles but mine was way to small too. So we all needed this one to go. And have someone say it like it is.
We’ve all been trained to people please everyone but ourselves and it’s time for us now. We’ve grown up and played our bit and want our families back. However they are. Lock stock and barrel.
I text Mama and told her I loved her and that it would all be ok. The worst was over. And that I would not give up on her. I want folks to know Mamas hurt too. Give ourselves time to heal and react and whatever needs to happen happens. Coming homes not gonna be easy. But living without your family ain’t easy either.
So let’s go.
I keep getting the call from Mama. I must listen even if she doesn’t speak. She got some strength. I believe in prayer and that it connects us. Mamas waking up. Xoxo.
She’s gonna turn this ship around.
As she forgives herself. Just like I’ve forgiven her. Of it all. And she can talk about it. I won’t run away. I’ll listen. And it will pass. Arms around her. United. Comforted by the other at last.