Right before I found Mama I was presented with this lovely thought I had to overcome.
“Your Mom could be a drug addict?”
And I was like ok? Let’s think about that? What would I do if she was a drug addict?
Overcoming something means you have to consider it in your mind as a possibility. I wanted to be prepared for anything and everything.
To even have such a consideration to present itself through someone I knew brining it up is a bummer. But I went there anyway.
And after searching my soul? I concluded I don’t care. And a deep knowing that she was ok and not on the streets strung out on cocaine and benzos. Something within me said that’s not us.
She may medicate for pain and anxiety but she’s not some strung out weirdo wandering the streets. No. To know myself like I do, I was like? Two seconds of a round about in my mind about it? And I was right. My Mother is an elegant woman who is very hard working and loving. Sure. She’s been confused awhile.
But she’s not broken she’s just had information that she needed to make it all add up withheld from her too.
The line in Trisha’s song comes to mind.
“Some things we bury are just bound rise again”
And in a way Mama buried me alive within her. And I’m rising again. Because I am alive. And love her dearly.
And she’s got her chance to rise again too with me.
That’s healing. Changing the mind about it after getting the info as to why it is important and choosing to make a change even if it’s scary.
These are the kind of ideas I had to face full on before meeting my own Mama? I did not think that up? Someone presented the little jewel to me? Of fear in its oyster.
I made a ring out of that pearl and kept on trucking. I’d accept her anyway. I was prepared. Her first rejection jolted me and reminded me of the first jolts. Mama felt that reconnecting with me was going back. But I was calling her forward. To grandchildren and hope.
I knew Mama had junk in her trunk. And an addiction to something. And idea she’d held onto so long she thought it was the truth. Until the real truth showed up to stake her claim.
Mama was angry at herself. And expected me to be angry too. I am. But not at what she’s angry at. I know she’s confused and turned around. Don’t underestimate my love power to transform her. Don’t doubt. I work each day on me which I know gets sent to her.
And she is changing at a break neck speed and it’s shaking her foundation to the core to get anything off that woman that’s not Hod ordained to be there including me. Cuz I know I am not bad it’s bad she’s without me right now and my arms to hold her close like daughters do when Mamas need hugs and no more words to say. Just shhhhhh. And I love you.
This is where the story line is changing. Even my words bring soothing energy for my Mama to read and imagine me hugging her. Healing is not painting over what is. It’s accepting what is and then choosing to do something else. Choosing to forget my Mama is a non option and defies the natural law of DNA coding.
Plain and simple I was programmed to always love my Mama and care for her well being. However crazy my method is. It’s working.
Drastic matters mean drastic measure. Failing is not part of my plan. It’s just not in me. And denying me my Mama growing up only made my resolve stronger a I drag every hater and doubter with me to the top and the bottom. I’ve conquered my own self will that would run away from loving my Mama despite what adoption and the world for that matter, said I should do.
They said, people, preachers, lady’s, men. The whole damn way.
She doesn’t care about you
Leave her alone
She gave you away how can you love her?
She’s no good
No one likes her because of what she did to you. (Big one)
Your adopted mother is your mother(heard that one the other day) from a dentist who was nosy.
I told him no. It’s not like that. You never forget your Mama and she counts. So you have two Mamas and they both matter equally in different capacities. And they both get credit.
Which kind of blows people away when I say and then they kind of get it. It’s how you say it that matters.
I’ve had a long time to work on my responses and to see their affect to know how to change a mind. On my way to changing my own Mamas mind I’ve changed a lot of minds about a lot of things.
But about Mother love I have not wavered a bit because it’s key to seeing things right. She’s the root and the tree we come from. We may blow away. But we will always have her genetic within us which as I see it is a piece of her living within us that guides us and leads us.
All the barriers in the world can’t hold my love back. Everyone’s tried? I get knocked and get up again. Yes. Like that. Boom. Down. Get up. Go again. Like the forever ready bunny of love for Mama I go. Like some love sick Olympian jumping walls and flying through the air over them too. Mamas like what? Is going on around here? I’m flying by the windows. Look at me Mama!!! I’m flying! Lol.
She pulls the blind down and buried her head in her bazzionth bible study but can’t get that silly girl swinging outside out of her head. So she peeks? Each day. And has a look? Shocked I’m still swinging outside her window. Planes fly over with banners flying. I love you Mama they read. And the band shows up. And Mama gasps. It’s Victoria leading them! And liz and Phylis are driving floats with signs reading we love you Mama!! And we are all infected with it.
Mama fusses, “what will?” And the neighbors before she can even get it out, come charging up with balloons and presents and signs saying we love you Linda!
And it can be like this! Rome was not built in a day. Neither is a good relationship with your family after you’ve been gone learning about the world and come home for good.
All the books have to balance. Then. A new book fresh with no mistakes in it to come. End of a cycle and a pattern. New patterns beginning to sprout and new patterns of growth.
2 Corinthians 10:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28977A" data-link="(A)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> and we take captive every thought to make it obedient<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28977B" data-link="(B)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> to Christ.
Psalm 127:3 New Living Translation (NLT)
3 Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Reminders cut deep patterns and change the coarse of our history.
I am a gift that should not be taken lightly.