Going to the doctor for Adopted people is to say the least is a stabbing at our darkness. We have no medical history which makes it a medical mystery.
Mystery is the game when it comes to medical issues. Doctors have nothing to go on. They are like pirates searching for treasure without a map. So fun. And they stab at me? Thinking I swallowed the map!
What else can they do? I’ve got no Instruction, no history, and I have no name of my manufacture. So, no warranty, and no life time guarantees folks.
Abandoned means, no history, no instructions, a vanishing manufacture and mystery. Mystery our Mamas were lead to leave us, the children with. And I wonder about humans from the 60’s and their awesome planning in regards to my future.
And people talk about grateful and gratitude. Oh please. I am Mary poppies and all my history is in my big bag of goodies. It’s all I’ve been give to work with from my precious Mama and this world.
Sounds kind of fucked up? But most people don’t even give a shit they I won’t have what they have. No. They don’t. My Mama doesn’t even give a shit that I have a proper medical
History and has left me after our reunion, with a scribbled email filled with some kind of medical History that hasn’t helped me much? What? Am I to throw the email at the doctor and say, like my Mama said with her email? ” here, there, that’s all you get don’t ask me for anymore.”
She must be very upset that whoever told her I wouldn’t remember a thing and wouldn’t even give her a second thought, now that I’m reunited and she’s now overwhelmed and under educated at what to do with this. With me her own daughter?
And that! Is why I am writing!
Like how long do I leave my own Mama in her own dark room of ignorance about me and herself? How long do I just stand outside the perimeter and play the silent game? Well? About 50 years sounded good and then I stop being quiet.
I figured we are all adults now? And it’s time to grow up and lear our lesson. I’m the teacher now. My adoption papers can stand as my certifications. I am fully vested in insanity analysis. I’ve had to look at this balled up family mess for years.
I know my Mamas been hurt by this. And I know she’s very hard on herself for this. But let me state that at 25? She was a victim too. Left dumb and ignorant to her own wounding by her own hand lead by people who said they knew best for me and her.
I would not call THIS. Best. I’m working to get us to best, dragging my own Mama the whole way. Just like she drug me into Adoptions arena. She now has a front row seat to her daughters gladiator show as I slay the beast Adoption like Russel crow in the movie. But my slicing and dicing will be in the realm of the mind where dumb ideas like Adoption came from, a long time ago.
Adoptions has just been left to itself. And I’m really over this burying the past! I was the past buried! And my Mama was sold a bill of goods. She swallowed hard the pill that I was just a nightmare. And the pill came right back up, 30 years later.
And now she need to take the right pill. The truth to even get herself back on track. For real. She thinks I am playing and I am not playing. This is business of the family dynamics to the core.
I just spoke to the doctor. About my history and my Mamas. As I work to get a better handle on myself, and my heath. As I work to remove their ideas and get straight with my own feelings beyond what they told me to feel. I’ve followed these two mad hatter leaders lead by the lunatic Adoption. I’m done with that shit.
I’ve been denied. Which means I’ve learned to deny myself. I’ve been neglected by my own Mama in plain sight. And my A Mom didn’t not have a clue about me. I did not come from her for god sake folks need to get this lesson.
You wonder why I go over it and over it?
Because this is fundamental truth!! Ugh!
Adoption throws a wrench into it all and drug me off my own course. Giving my Mamas the idea that they could just boss me around and tell me what to do? What did they even know about me?
My Mama didn’t know a thing about my Dads family? And I must muster up my strength to request a medical history from them? And I’ve been forced to live without my medical
History for years. Which is neglect too. So. I’m used to being denied, and for years just went along with it because that was my life? What else did I know except the way I was treated? Patterns get set.
I don’t know if my kids even realize the set patterns in me and how I helped them do better by identifying all my bad habits learned, so that they knew the mark? An abuse person can raise their kids to rise above abuse. I had to tolerate my abuse.
I was an orphan and stopped of my rights like a prisoner. Face the fact. All children moved and rejected their own Mother are wards of the state and then placed in a new situation. But that new situation is not family nor Mama and does feel like prison no matter how opulent.
You should feel bad. Because this needs to change. I’m Not gonna shut up until it does because I won’t give up on my own grandchildren.
Like I am so ahead of this? People? Who are not tracking events? Can’t even comprehend me. I appear like a lunatic for what I say? And yet it’s the truth? Abuse is what adoption is. Perfect. White picket fence. Keep up with the jones I want a baby. Abuse.
And at the rate we are going? This needs to be sawed off at the pockets. We are so desensitized about abuse because many of the abusers are just doing to others as they have been done. Like my Mama who blocks me. She was blocked. Conditions placed on the love she was given and she conditioned me with rejections, abandonment, and neglect. She was probably abused by all three and gave them to me.
And I am gonna stop this pattern! I’ve worked in the realm of the mind for years.
Mama Jean gave me her abusive behaviors too. And I worked hard not to, but gave some of them to my own kids? At My own Mamas insistent. Twisted is an understatement.
And this blog is about totally exposure. Can’t change a thing until you change the minds and the mindsets.
As I work to tune into my own feelings beyond what my Mamas wanted, I’m getting a handle on my own medical History. I want my children to have a complete history. Including medical
Histories so when they go to a damn doctor they have all of it. It sucks with no history. How do you track and change a pattern without it? Ya don’t. That’s why we write books and record things. History tells a story that tells another story of you look in the right places.
So going to the doctor is complicated for an orphaned person who’s history was hidden for no god damn good reason and should be changed for a good god damn reason.
If Adoption acres so much? Why is all this left out? Yeah. No ones got the answer do they? Well I do. Ignorance of biological truths that conflict with Adoption idea of a rewrite, which has made it so I must throw everything out and begin again.
When an adoptee goes to the doctor it’s like stabbing at the dark, looking for what is hidden from view for lack of family history.
And my Mama needs to know this that she sent me to, so she can wake the hell up and help me straighten this mess out. She started it. And she should help clean up the mess is how I see it. She’s a key player in my Genetic game. And so is my Dad. No parents, no child. History is needed so we don’t make the same mistakes.