That I have been looking at. When she talks about shutting down. I want to just say. It’s a response to trauma and must be accepted as such. The body is made to shut down. It’s an organic machine, made from dirt, and is 3D in nature.
People act so ashamed for shutting down? The only shame I would entertain is the shame we have not realized and adapted to a common response such as this. And that I don’t see therapist going there. To the shit down. To the root. It’s like they stare like a deer caught in my head lights and just open their mouth and gape at a living breathing person, using the tools they learned and are certified to instruct me to use. And being shut down by my story of turning it all back on.
That’s what therapy is for right? And yet they did not guide me? They told me the words and actions. But I had to figure out how those words and actions were supposed to be used. Kind of like figuring out how and what a screwdriver is for as a child?
So. I took to this blog to hammer or screw it out. What is this? Would if I add that? More of this!! Less of that now. And it seemed to work. On me. But I am not satisfied with just me. That’s the thing. I want everyone to have what I am getting for using all that I learned.
If the mind is shown the way is nature and yet different. Which means changing will feel uncomfortable at first. Fear not. New shoes feel tight and we wear them in. Change is like anything new. Stiff, fresh smelling, and yet moldable with time and use.
I’m walking my Mama in her mind to a field now. Ripe for her harvest. The saying goes, “If you can see it. You can have it”. Mama kept her nose to her own grind stone. Never considered a rewrite. But I did? Or a redue. Just a ball and chain tied to her heart that held her in place so long she thought it was her fate. Fate has her own ideas. I think Fate’s kind of cool like that. Once you get to know fate she’s real cool.
Fate rewrites the rules and make up new ones. And well Mama is quite compliant. A rule follower as she was instructed too. And yet instructions can be out of date and misleading at time depending on who’s reading and writing them. And I don’t know why Papa Gerald keeps coming to my mind? Maybe he instructed her and it hurt her? And maybe God wants Mama to get over that and know that Mamas own Daddy made mistakes too, with her. And I do believe Papa Gerald would want to make that right if he could. If God would grant him access to speak?
And what do I know? I just let the energies flow. Because of my separation from Mama I just blew out the system and was online with all my systems present and lights flashing. It made me aware of everything I could take in. No filter except conditioning that has Fallen away due to being silly and ignorant of truth.
We are taught to edit ourselves. And I’m just done editing so that we can stand on a level playing field. Why is my writing any worse than anyone else or better? I write how I think and feel, all around the issues. Many angles I look at and consider. About how me and Mama got this way? And there are quite a few people involved and how to we all get out of this pattern that seems to go on forever. Rejections loop. Relinquishment loop. Denials loops. Go round and round until someone who’s bold? Disrupts the flow. Disrupt it long enough? It will stop and start and soon, do it enough? It stops.
Once the pattern has been identified. Tagged and looked at. Which is the most earth shaking part of the process. The wake up call that the story is going into a new book series. Our rough draft has given us a lot to work with. Lots of feelings and meat to draw from to serve. After disruption though. A new story must begin or you fall back into the old ditch if thinking? I’ve been hitting on Mamas mind a while now. Calling to activate her natural love for me. To remind her I am here and she’s not along.
It’s like pulling my big red Chevy up and putting a chain on Mamas car that been rocking back and forth for a minute or two? And pulling her out. Except it’s her mind. The mud was the old story line everyone in the family was stuck rehearsing all day long and wonder why it won’t change? We all needed new lines to help Mama get out of the mud. Support crew to help her with a natural addiction to deny. No one fault. There is no need. It’s just time to get Mama out. Give her the fresh meat. So she can live the life she so desperately wants with me. Not without me.
My sisters. Be supportive of Mama and give what you want to get. To not be supportive of this obviously very traumatic event that happened and the return of a child Mama gave away is important. How we all act is what our legacy is. Let’s choose again. Who we will now be to each other. There is only one direction, yet many ways to get there. Kicking and screaming yesterdays new!
Joyously realizing that what we give we get.
I give all.
Cuz I want it all. I have taken a hit for Mama.
And lived to return. Love still in my heart no matter what anyone told her.
Everyone was wrong. I came home and remembered my roots.