So many angles. As far as an orphan can see!!
And it’s all about how you take each one and react to them all.
Look at me. I’ve reacted to your actions and non actions. With my honest, from my own experiences I’ve drawn from. My experiences are a bit jarring and raw. A whole lot wacky. And have had times of sadness, when folks got all hung up in the game they forgot about love? And loyalty.
Who’s winning? If we all aren’t winning? I’ve got two Mothers. And what’s your problem? Hmmm? What? Can you hold your Mom is you want too? Is she alive or dead? How does that make you feel? Because I can guarantee you that on the other side, she’s rooting for you to see her heart wide open. Even if her mind she felt was small. Maybe limited. In her heart she’s sees. Even if she can only speak yesterday’s news and a story well rehearsed. If if she falls apart and cries like a babe. Even if she blocks you shamed of her own face looking at you.
I win all day for showing up and choosing to love anyway. Masks don’t scare me. Not make me run away. I’ve always found love at the end of each day. Hidden inside a good deed given. As if to say, with an action, my mask got in the way, today, forgive me. And actions speak louder than any old words? Or? Do they? Can my voice be heard as I write this and you read it? Well. Let’s put this to the test.
See if Mama will realize what I am asking of her. And for her to dig deep within her and ask herself what she would wish from her Mama who left her with a stranger i now call Mother?
And I think her idea and mine are quite different indeed. She seems to wish to be banished and left an old hag on the outskirts? Could be? Could be she’s just tired and wants it over? Yes? Could be her Egos all jacked up and not wanting to look like a fool in a trap? Yeah? I can see that one being real? I’ve felt trapped?
Well? Mama realizes how off she was. But how to get on again? The horse is quite old now to get back into. But all is not lost. Nothing is ever lost when you realize God knows where everything is at all time. And that’s the thing I’ve showing my own Mama is how to get back on and ride again? Maybe she and my Daddy rode horse? I don’t know? Maybe it does mean something what I say here to her alone? Why knock it? I’ve not try it?
And a child knows their own Mama and what she instinctively needs is love. Unconditional. Especially if she was loved with condition. Conditions placed on and in her by others and learning? Learned conditions. Conditions that have now changed. That no longer rule her. That she can have her dream Homecoming. The way she wants it.
I’ve announced my love. Shown the struggles to hold onto that love. Shown the scars that folks thought were still wounds. Took you all to your own dark closet doors. With my stories of woes. I’ve been stating my facts. Like records. The record states as I experienced it, it felt like this. It’s how you all reacted that told me the truth beyond my tolerance levels which are high!!
I’ve tolerated a lot beyond the walls of our Mamas realm. I’ve got calluses. And behind those is a beating heart filled with love. I am rough and have ridden hard to see all of you. I’ve been patiently waiting for my moment to reach through to you and tell you. I love you so.
This is what me living without our dear Mamas has done to make me who I am. Can we now accept it and move along as family? This is me. Worn like leather. Soft in all the right places. Crusty like Mama and soft on the inside. That’s what happens to bread left in the California sun. I need some of Mamas Oregon rain on me.
Guys. I am a poet. A dreamer of dreams. A visionary. A scholar of much and all. This planet is amazing beyond Mamas walls and I would not take away one scar. Throw me to the wolves and I will come back leading the pack. Just like I know Mama ordered. But god’s always got a different twist just to make sure we don’t forget to say thank you.
We all loose here. And then win. There is a price. We divide if it’s good and right? By our words and deeds we determine our own future. Let mine be one with Mama there beside me. Embracing my family. All of them equally. Lovingly tending the garden where at the center is our family tree. And be a shining example of what heritage truly looks like. Integrated and United. Yet singular and divided. Interdependency is way better than codependency.
People just get scared and don’t get there. It’s a process of actualizations and a developmental process that was denied us at our parting. Like being locked into a limited mode. Like a Zumba stuck in a corner. Needing God to redirect us all back into functioning order. And it’s also amazing the tolerance levels of my family to endure such disruptions and disfunction. Like a machine missing a wheel.
And folks don’t see it until I break it down. And relate it back to the natural family dynamics and behaviors. I do see that my movement has changed our whole family, but we are not broken per say. Just missing a pieces. In our stories and minds that also when known, illuminate events and actions that happened in my absence and make them make sense? Like Nervous breakdowns and that kind of thing. Obsessive cleaning. Or neglecting cleaning? Emotions high and then low.
All signs of disruptions that affected us all. Cohesiveness is the solutions and within our reach. I think we all know we have egos trying to protect us. But who’s trying to kill us? No one. We are killing a way of life for us all to have a better one. That includes us all in it together. This option is real and attainable. Breakdowns happen when we are denying ourselves something. Think about it? Who breakdown when your happy aka satisfied? Could Mama really be satisfied without me? And who would even want her to be? Well to hell with them whoever they are! Shut the hell up! Go to the back of the room and sit down.
All of the voices that say Mama, those who read or don’t read this are in this world. Wandering around not knowing that a mother is a saturation to a child and a child her Mamas satisfaction. She made me. Good bad or ugly. She made me. To me? That’s worth a lot. Because of what I’ve gone through. I’ve seen what I was made of. Two strong willed people who don’t give up on each other. At least not in me. I am their dream. Walking around in living color. Both of them present within me each step.
What daughter doesn’t think about Mother and father? Let alone? An orphan? It’s is not sad. It’s heroic. And poetic. And poignant and magical. Bones wrapped in my people. Guardians around me I walked as Linda and Huey’s daughter. Always. I own my mistakes and turn them into gold. To make my Mama a ring for her toe to remind her to stay present when I am present. Cuz Hueys in the house. And I get it.
Don’t hold back now. You’ve got me to hold. And I won’t push you away Mama. I’ll pull you in closer. It’s ok you see him in me. And the loves all rushing around and making you sing. Don’t be shamed you never got to see him grow up in me. But he’s here. And it’s all natural. We’re just catching up on all the loving we detoured yet still get to get.
It’s called, genetic sexual attraction Mama. No you’re not going crazy. It’s ok. Remember developmentally we were denied our natural development. So we are now developing as would have happened naturally had I stayed. It is a thing. That’s what I’m trying to teach you.
Don’t be scared of me. It’s ok. It’s just a phase. As we integrate. But you’ve not felt those feelings in years. I know. And yes. It’s like a flood. And very intense. I know. But I’ve been ready for it. Because nongenetic sexual attraction exists too. Sooo. Yeah. Folks that don’t raise you can be attracted to you sexually. And needs to be looked at for those who have been adopted and at those who adopt.
We would not be having this genetic sexual attraction had I been kept is the key note here. So adoption has created this lovely experience for us without warning due to no one has ever gone as far I am with my experiences, details and introspections and viewpoint from within the adoption phenomenon. This to will pass Mama as you reconcile you true feelings about Dad and accept them as natural. Without shame. Just strong feelings of love. It’s ok. You loved him even if it was brief. It’s ok to do that.
Obviously God took care of me as Best can be done at the time. And I made it back alive. It’s ok. I am better than ok Mama. Just want to spend some time with you. Coffee or tea. Sweet rolls or pancakes. Slippers and sitting out back smelling coffee brewing. Taking a morning dip in the hot tub. While the sun breaks over the roof top.
Everything is working out just fine. Huey would not let you down in me Mama. Nope. It’s written in my heart to take care of Mama. Even if you have to storm the gates and holler! Make sure she knows you love her. That she see her present.