Being Adopted, has made a huge gash in my perception of loss.
- Loosing my Mama and family, like some tornado, that was invisible, that carried me off from Kansas to oz.
- Having no licensed therapy offered and taken during my formidable years.
- Loss was my friend whether I liked it or not. I had to contend with unprocessed grief that would get in the way of anything that looked like fun with a stranger.
I was committed to my loss of Mama. What does that look like and mean? That’s why I write honey. Got to get it all out and take a long look at what I on my side of this three side coin had to endure. I know. Selfish. And healthy.
Being committed to my loss of my Mama, was my calling from day one. The fact that Mama was not there was relevant and irrelevant all at once. Made no sense at all how I could love her so much? If I take a moment and consider my feelings and actions growing up? I was quite militant about it. Like some soldier standing guard over my Mamas grave and mine. Tending it as if waiting for Jesus to resurrect my Mama Lazarus. Oh the imaginations of children abandoned. What is my truth?
Well it’s complicated thanks to Adoption. Some people have one Mama they could take or leave. And yet I was bound to two woman in this lifetime. I had to work for this spot. Cuz I did not come here to loose, but to bring gain in understanding of the mental processes that people seem to be so scared to go into. Loss. Is a teacher or value and character.
Ask any person who has lost and receives a complement or statement saying, ” your parents must be proud, and then wonders if their deserved loved one is aware of their lives? Still hoping for that confirmation, that, “hey, I’m still listening to what you told me”
And hearing back, your doing great. I’m proud of you. And now can see all of you instead of limited in my body. I understand why you are like you are now. I apologize for being harsh and saying things to you that were said to me. I apologize for wounding you with my wounds. Please forgive me for you. I love you. Dad.
My Mama has a big chip on her shoulder about her Dads size. What a man she looked up to. And still to this day, pushes herself like that man pushed her to go. And in his zeal as fathers commonly do, got stuck in command mode and neglected to praise her with the equal amount. That’s also why I am here writing to my Mama. I seem to have been granted access to anything here. And axel was to my ancestors spirits on the other side who have messages for Mama.
I am a child under griefs rule. And am connected to the dead or released souls that still exist and yet do not have bodies any longer. Everyone is a frequency. If you stay in contact with love frequency, you are connected always to the grid. Like a telephone operator. I speak messages all day without even knowing it?
And people who have lost the body learn to connect again with me to those frequency and make peace with them and create a new relationship with them. Communicating with them. Understanding that they use signs to show they hear us.
Naturally, and without interference. I just connected to those who died when I was a child. I realized that letting go was useless? I didn’t want to let go? Why? How? I realize at a young age it’s all connected. In my mind. But the words I now speak sounded silly to folks back then? Many marveled at my words? Many thought me insane. Forward thinking is strange when you can’t see what someone’s talking about.
That’s why I continued to talk and connect with my Mothers energies. I just prayed to meet her in my dreams to receive love so I could be full the next day. I went within and damn good thing. This world was testing me with the biggest scam and trying to rope me into a contract I did not sign. Maybe my Mama threw her love child into the world? To teach you all a lesson about love?
Adoption is a twisted idea. I had to twist to get out of all that roped me in. And beckoned always to cause me to sin. Which is to miss my mark which no one gets to tell what that mark is! Least if all some cheap pimp called Adoption. Read me now and let it soak in deep. Adoption tried to prostitute me. Yes. Read it and weep.
I used to talk to a lawyer who committed suicide. About the laws around me. So I’ve been thinking about it a long time while I was watching and waiting and walking home to my own Mama. Folks be tripping? Not me. I’m skipping back home where I belong in Mamas mind first so this time she will be waiting at the end of her road like this prodigal woman’s Mama will do. She knows the story now.
And a little bit more than she did at just under 30. Your never to old to learn a thing or two, least of all from your precious daughter. Who loves you dearly. Hell could freeze over and turn me to ice, when the sun hits and the ice melts my cold and lifeless heart it will beat for you. Again. And again. And again.
I’ve died a thousand times on my way to you. She’s a thousand skins placed on my naked body by a society that thought I was shameful for being so naked and raw about my feelings for you. This empress always had her new groove. Naked is the new black dress.
Nakedness of your life worn on the outside. People will see what they will see when they look at it. And that’s about them. Just love them through the nightmares. As you walk cloaked in the skins of your parents. With them wrapped around your neck like God commanded. Ever listen. Stepping cautious so as not to fall prey to the devil trying to tell you to turn you back on Mama and blow away.
Yet inside me, standing strong as the rock that made me. Love overcame the odds against me. Unashamed love I bring to Mamas table. Fresh and filled with nourishment and meat for her bones to be strong and able. To continue to eat at many tables to come. I also bring spices that spice up her mind and life. I bring the fruit and grain from this harvest to her hearts door I lay the spoils of this war. Nothing is spoiled from this war. That’s the thing. Unless? You have stinking thinking about me loving my Mama still?
If so? Then give me your for the next 56 years and then we can talk about your Mama then? Ok? Like what in the world would you do? Just fold and give in? We all have our cards. Play with what you’ve got. If you watch the faces closely and learn as you go? Folks always show their hand at some point. If you read faces any good? And use your guts. Mama needed my hand to complete hers. Royal flush. Beats all hands.
Mama knows this. My Dad taught her. Royal flush darling. Flush it. Your hands complete. I’d never let you loose baby. Our daughter called me higher. And she’s right not to give up on you. I never did. And realized when I saw her. What a beautiful thing we had made together. I always loved you to from inside her. Surrender to it. You needed me after all. And I showed up through her. God is able to do all thing through Christ too darling.
And so it goes for me. Some messenger.
And Mama Jeans going under the knife tomorrow. I pray for god to guide the surgeons. And for God to be there with her and that she will not feel alone. For a speedy recovery. And a new vigor. I ask this in Jesus name. Amen.
Please stand with me in this prayer. Thank you.