Why? Do I always go back to Mama?

“Well let me tell ya something Linda”. That woman has taught me a lot. About mistakes and forgiveness and grace.

Of course a child can see their Mama and Daddy in themselves. My behaviors were many. As I learned about the two people that made me. Yes. Very telling when it’s just you. Watching yourself behave. And watching Mama Jean react to my behaviors? She got a show for sure?

And poor is not her thing. So please no pity. Pity never helped a thing. She asked for it. And Mama and Daddy gave it (me) to her. “There ya go lady”, you want our baby?, there you can have us all balled up into her, good luck trying to take that little piece of heaven wrapped in hella fire.” “Oh yes, she will behave quite well and keep you very entertained for sure.” Satisfaction guaranteed. For just enough money for the fix.

Oh addictions to fixes. Adoption the drug of choice. Fix me. Fix this. Fix that. It should not be? She’s not mine? I am just an angel who carried her? To your warm breast to raise as your own, ( but of course just like I would) ,(stipulations, like three, in the fine print of my dear Mamas mind).

Facing yourself and your decisions is not easy. And addictions happen when we consider the need for a fix. Read my words well. I need no fix. I just need my Mother. If I have a fix on my own Mama? Then everyone here does. My own sister talks to my Mama everyday like clock work. Mama told me herself.

Oh shame on me? For wanting to clear all of this up? Yes I should just stay a mess so you can have all of her. Ok? I’ve already got her! So dumb. See how I’ve played you? And all of that is yours that you have been thinking. Yeah. Who’s the dummy now? Oh my lord.

When my own Mama needs me? I came to call. Yeah. She called on me with her soul? Who in the hell ever thinks for another reason I would come and call on her? Not for just her body, it’s her soul. I’ve got a strong peace of her precious soul. And she needed my strength and fresh wind to blow!! To blow away weakness and send in strength! You think me weak? Well then I am strong. Read the book!! Is it my fault you don’t understand the code! Shall I dip down this low?

Yes. I have dipped down low. To look into your eyes. I’ve looked hard and long at the behaviors learned from long ago. The ones I conquered and guide you all out of. I played all the weaknesses with my weaknesses. A royal flush. I had you all pegged. And now Mama knows what she been looking for. No specticals needed to see clearly now Mama. Just pay attention to where I am leading you. Back to yourself completely, including me?

No exclusions ever we’re needed. My weakness is my strength and your now too. I wanted you to know in your mind first before I come to you again just how deeply I feel for you. And how much I’ve gone through for loving you. That nothing has wavered my love for you. I am your super star Mama. It’s true. Believe it today. You now got my words on it. All of them.

I’ve walked you through it. The life this woman lived as a girl. If we can’t get over it what the use? And we all need to get over it🥰 but what was it that we wanted to let go of? Well? You read it. For me? That was it. I would love to hear your struggles too. Look at all I’ve taken for the love of all of you my family? Go on look? And yet here I stand typing over and over to you? Hmmm?

What does she want?

Do you all really want someone who gone through all I’ve gone through to just let you all go? You are my muse?

If my words have touched your wounds? Then I have done my job well. You can’t heal something that ya can’t see? I’ve seen all mine? Again and again as I’ve written then down here.

So when the going gets tough guys. Go back to the drawing board of life, Mama. And draw from the lesson and learn them well and teach them. If loving you Mama like I do is an addiction? Well I’m addicted. But like Christ in the sand as he also write words never shared. No one threw a stone then. Because he made sure everyone was aware of their own sins by making sure everyone was clear that when they threw a stone that day at a woman, they condemned themselves too. Everyone left. And dropped their stones. And went home to maybe do a bit better.

Seems the lessons still works even if it’s twisted a bit. For God’s words and stories and truth do go out and do what they are meant to do. Always even if twisted around. Go suits the words to the moments. That’s why it’s alive. And a two edged sword. With a very fine point to teach tough spots. Cutting away what is used up so that useful can grow.

I see having a healthy family dynamic is key to our whole families health. Especially Mama since she is the root. Pay attention to the roots. Tend them with care. Give them shit now and then for nourishment. Feed the roots water and sunlight of truth. Dig around the roots to belting air to them so they can expand in directions and grow bigger and taller.

I went to the Moreland family reunion. And George had a family tree there. I was given a sharpie and told to write my name and kids names on the limps by you Mama. You were honored that day. So was I even if I felt awkward and clumsy lacking words to even say. I was home among them and I felt it like no other time. Surrounded by kin my soul just relaxed into what home feels like. I marveled at the wonder having been denied it so long, my body felt peace.

I am grateful. This is what gratitude does to me.

And now you know what happened when your sister felt like no one even got how much she loves our own Mother? Well honey don’t even go there again. I lecture!! Education is a weapon and I use it to make ignorance go away. Because? I’ve seen some shit. Ok. I’ve seen a lot of shit man.

And you all needed to know. What this woman went through living some lie straight from hell for her own Mama. Don’t even tell me I don’t love her? Like bitch please. That woman is my muse. Along side my Daddy. Can’t exclude him either and why would I even? That ain’t healthy? Got to take the good with the bad is the saying. Yes you do. Learn what to do with them both. Use Um.

This is the road less traveled. Going back to Mama. Begins in her mind. And you’ve got to clear out all that’s drama and replace it with truth, not more illusions? It’s foundational to rewriting the script of our lives, as it now fades into another. And the lights go down. My arm around Mama, we turn and walk to the back of the stage as the curtains close. Our story.

Has just begun.


I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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