But I can say I got help. From God and through my prayers. Just ask my children? How I’d find anything? A parking place or the keys or a license from miles away. I prayed for God’s help. And I would receive.
So asking God to find Mama was something I did naturally.
Growing up with obviously a brain trauma that was not recognized? I had to work hard to remember things. I’ve got many tricks. Short term memories were a thing I struggled with and appointments. Homework and little things. I seemed to get caught up with others lives and all their things. Least of all me.
Seemed it had a job to do no matter whether I wanted to do it or not. Mama wanted me too. So I couldn’t let her down. I guessed she was counting on me to get it right even if life seemed all left I’d do my best.
Today my son lost his wallet. And so I prayed and began watching. Him look around and I remembered all the times I lost this or that and called on Heavenly Father to help me cuz I could not remember. But God always knew and guided me through to find this or that without Mama to help me even find myself.
God always knew I had a place. Even if my mind kept getting erased. All the this and that did not matter as much as remembering Mama and her anger when I came to call when she wasn’t ready for me to come to her.
Trauma? No labels. But it don’t take a dumb ass to see I was troubled and had no one to even turn to except to learn ways to remember what I needed to remember and I’d have to work hard to rewire my brain to do what I needed when I needed to. Damn thing anyway. Just a brain. But I need help and prayed and God always came to my rescue. Even if Mama couldn’t come God made sure I found what I needed finding and helped me remember all that needed remembered.
Cuz God knew I could not forget Mama. She was burned into me. Fried into my brain the day we were separated I began to recite and recall all that I could to keep her alive in me. Round and round in circles I’d go and I don’t care about anything much else. So sue me for keeping Mama memories burning and turning like a record inside me. I wanted her to see herself in me when we met. At long last when God helped me find home.