The saying goes, “A Mothers work is never done.” But that’s not how I do it, “A mothers work is done.” My feeling is this. “If Mothers work is never done well maybe she should have asked Daddy to help?”
And if you’ll notice both mine were missing basically most of my life. I was given replacement parents, who did their best. But they were not my parents, they replaced my parents. That fact must be accepted and recognized if anything is going to make sense. At least with my family dynamic. And that is precisely what Adoptees are trying to shed the light on, that our family dynamic appear the same? And yet are not the same.
Adoptees have substitutions in the parental department. Codependency was our life. Like she says in the reading, we do need to be able to depend on our partners and parents for that matter because they are the one who teach us. Parents are the first. Mine were removed from our lives early. And be assured I felt that cast change deeply. And it flip me over like a wave! Blam!
And the one thing I clinged to for lack of knowing nothing else other than loyalty to my Mama? And if we look at the situation with me? We can see many things? My loyalty has not appeared to be appreciated? From my side? I have not gotten an appreciation from coming home to my Mama? I’m like a Vietnam veteran, some baby monster, killer.
Because I am the way I am due to the changes in my life from Adoption, my Mama feels I killed her baby. Or appears to be acting much like she’s angry at me for being the way I am? I should not have to apologize for the way I am? If the way I am is distressing you? Imagine how it must feel to be me? Watching all of you? Treat me like a pledge? Some leper?
That is how I’ve felt through all this between my family and me. Apart from them. I feel proud of myself for surviving and doing the best I could with what was handed to me. And my children do need to see that I’ve worked hard to help them overcome as much as I may have put on them due to the way I am.
I’ve learned and used my issues to make them stronger and more compassionate toward those who struggle? My life is a living breathing gratitude exercise of teaching and sowing into those who feel confused and less than? To be the change I needed to see when I was growing up.
My daughter has put up her boundaries. So. She learned the lessons. Which means in some way, my life meant something if she’s better than me? Yes. Bravo darling. Boundaries are key. I’ve known about the codependency? And I’ve done all I could to read, digest and feed psycho babble to my children so they could do better.
And now they are helping me. It’s beautiful. I showed my kids my truth. And they went higher and yet never left me either. It’s magical. My daughters and sons are making people filled with compassion and love. But it didn’t come easy. We went without to get this gold first to pay the way to success.
They say you have to be hungry for success.
I do know what I value. And they know what they value most. And that is their truths beyond mine. Bravo. The mastery of duality come before the mastery of polarity. Who am I? Must come before who are we. Ground zero happened. And America showed her colors. Ground zero came to me and all showed their colors. Colors are colors. The judgments we place on the colors is up to us.
And everyone’s colors are different before they become the same again. It’s like an ebb and a flow. Light to darkness and back again. And always changes. That is why communication is key to success. Even if it’s a blog. Written by a woman who write cryptic shit and seems to make no sense. There is sense in nonsense.
We all have had a look at our codependency. I do push buttons because buttons demand pushing to see what the button does. We all act like our buttons are just window dressing? Buttons have a purpose. No button no purpose. No cars would drive without keys to start them and fire them up. My Mama was so turned off.
And that was the lesson for my children from me about never giving up on Mama. Hope does float. In me at least. Like a light. I shine for my Mama to see my love showering the world with truth. To not just wake myself up? But the whole world had it way wrong if they even thought I’d abandon my own Mama back? How would that even be helpful? The subtraction of abandonment leads to acceptance and embrace. Of course I would mix it up if I wanted to change this dynamic in my own family?
I’m pretty sure Mama thinks I’ll come so close, get in her good graces, and then cut her back? I’m sure of it. So I’m saying it out loud to call that demon out of her head? And mine? Absolutely am resolved to going home to stay. Want a hot bath or soak in the hot tube if it’s working? Maybe big sister and some wine? Music. I love Mamas play list. Yeah. That’s what I dream of as I make sure we are all on the same page and I close out any doubts.
Narcissistic tendency’s can be in all of us. So as I face my own narcissist and you face yours? All of us gain the wisdom of what it looks like in me? How it is perceived in and from others? What is narcissistic energy? And I would ask at this point? Is this blog really all about me? No. I’m just the fool in the arena. Standing exposed. For all to show their inner narcissist to me.
What has any of my family done lately to appreciate me? To show appreciation to a woman who has loved them her whole life without wavering? Why would anyone see me any differently I ask? Love is an action word even if I’m just writing? My thumbs are acting and composing and communicating. Which is healthy.
So who is the narcissist now? Me? You? Or all of us just being self like animals. We are mammals? Are we not? With appetites and wants and needs? And yes we should care for our needs. I’m caring for my need for my own Mama. And expressing my love as best I can through all this darkness and silence.
The ground I walk on is holy to me. For I walk to Mama. Talking about her the whole way. Don’t condemn me? Because she my light? And that Hid fuels the fire? I still love her through the silence as her walls come tumbling down. Like Jericho bit with silence as she waits for me to send the sound to break her barriers and walls down with my love song.
And yes. Everyone needs to know? Why would I hide such a moment so tender and true? A child coming home? Have you not read the story of the prodigal son? Where was Mama in that story if Daddy was watching? Getting ready? That’s where? Anticipating the arrival from her nights of prayer.
And yes the son smelled like pig shit when he came home? And still got the robe and the ring? And a feast? None of us needs to be like the oldest son? Jealous and envious? Was his brother more concerned about his position? His brother was home? And he was worried about his position? Which was solid? But a son or a daughter is always just that. Even if the son spent all he had. Where did he want to be?
Home. Who is the father in our story? I think you all know who they are? Guiding me home to Mama from heavens gates door. In my heart I know that they would want me home. They knew her heart as a woman not just a mother. Yes. I do believe God would use those men to guide me back into her good graces with truth.
Because? The fact is she was living a lie without me in her life. And she needed to know what the truth really was at the end of this Adopted day. That I love her enough to tear down the old story which had become a wall between who we both really are to each other and to give her a new story to hold onto as we build a new one.
Because each Mama who’s relinquished has their own story they tell themselves as to why and what and all that. And they wait for us to tear down the walls of defenses that kept her safe until we come home and wake them up to the light of a new day that includes the Mama getting her child back in the end.
I might be different from all this so called help I got while Mama was busy? But inside is the heart of her child still loving her in a body that was broken the day she left me. That. Is love. Real love. Real unconditional love. Sure we can see the conditions I’ve lived through. But I never stopped loving Mama. It’s just not possible and why? Forget the one God made you from?
Sure I’ve been pissed that she was so turned around and that my sisters have been incredibly distant and silent? It’s upset me that no one even thought to help Mama over this hump with me? Which has just shown me the depth of the denial behavior runs deep in my family. Am I just supposed to put my tail between my legs and go on back to where Mama sent me? Well? They don’t know Mama if that’s the o my solution my family sees?
And I do believe we are all saying goodbye to a codependency energy, and not each other. It’s just an old program that needs to be deleted so a new one can be Downloaded? And yet Mama has held onto her story for a long time and so slowly weaning her out of that story line was what was needed and the content as to why?
Listen. If I had no held on and Mama had not held on? She would have been gone. Her brain would have fried completely and she would have checked out completely. For lack of hope for our future. And I want her to have what I feel she is due; which is ya coming together and being big girls and showing her we learners her lesson too? To me it seems obvious.
Home is our only chance at having Mama in the future. She just can’t keep living like some three legged woman? When she’s got four legs to stand on? Why? Would anyone even want her to continue to be the same? I remember the woman who carried me. She’s still in there trapped because of a story she couldn’t seem to get out of. And I am no quitter.
What’s been being done ain’t working. And I’m brave enough to say so. Can you all be brave enough to say so too? Listen. What can truly hurt her now? What? Words? Truths? What? Nothing. She lives through it all and does get me as her prize. And that is worth fighting for because she is mine.
Polarity demands integration. And Mamas soul is pulling me to her whether anyone likes it or not? I’m coming home. She knows now she has a friend in me. And that’s one of my points too. No greater friend than this daughter Mama. I’m tried and true blue for you. Change is never easy but the worst was back in 63 and it is over. Now we just go back to us the way God meant it to be.