Being angry was all I had. Like a blanket I held until I could have a chance to get back what I felt I lost the day my own Mama walked.
Now. To a child now a woman denied her own Mama? What would you do? Throw away anger? Along with your Mama? Or would you hold on? No one instructed me except my inner knowing.
The anger I held onto was all that connected me to Mamas energy, cuz she was angry too. She just could not show it. So I did. I showed her mine so she could see that anger is a catalyst. To show her our deep connection.
And how would she and I change if she was all we had shared together if we both were not aware of our angers and frustrations?
If you think my Mama didn’t know I was having a time your all loony. She was angry because she could help me, find me, go to me? What Mother does not know when their child is in trouble? And yet she was the one who had separated herself from me with a sweep of a pen and I was gone and so were her problems? Or so she was told.
But she soon knew she was told wrong. She was not free, just blocked from being my solutions until now. To have to walk this planet cut off from your daughter? Yes Mama. I see it. And I understand due to Chelsie.
But I want us all to come clean because if Mamas angry ain’t no one happy. So it’s time for Our own Mama to come clean from her own addictions of anger too for this was what connected us for very long. And she and I held on through our pains.
And spewing it all out on this table was exactly what we needed to see what ailed she and me and our precious connections.
Yes. It’s been codependent. Did you want me to just let go of my Mama and let her become consumed? Defeated? Well. I am a Linda and Linda’s don’t leave Linda’s down. My own rule.
Linda’s shine brightly so Linda’s can see beyond the anger. Until it’s all out. I’m leaving no drops. After adoption said and did all that was said and done. At the end of the arrangement.
Love was left underneath anger waiting to be found. But anger had to speak and be seen for us to see how connected we are. Love can’t grow in denial.
And so I’ve used anger to stay holding onto my Mama. That’s all I had and I took it. You would to if you loved your Mama like me. I’ll take the anger! Please! I can do it. I’ll make it through it. Mama won’t be let down. When she needs to come clean and lay it down. I’ll be at the head of her line. Standing there waiting. For a hug and a smile.
Anger tells us to change. But what could Mama change until I came into her town? What? Blocked my her own self? Who would break her out of the shell she had made except the one she made it for?
She denied herself. She loved frustrated and stuck in the stage of grief called anger and we both would be stuck there. Why? Because we are not dead! So we had to back our way out of grief to collect our lessons on loss so that we could learn about gain.
How could Mama be aware of her own anger without mine to see about what was between she and me? She needed a pure anger mirror to look at. That’s me. And I might be Wild a wacky? But so is adoption in regards to me and she. We are lovers no haters. So it would always have come this time. To clean up our anger and let it all fly. And let folks see real love beyond all manipulations spring forth like tulips in the garden.
Anger kept us. It’s safe to love one another. We met in anger. I grew through anger. To grow up to love her. All the chains that bound me were cut free but I paid attention to everything all around me. So I knew Mama needed me to bust her out of that angry shell. So she could truly be free.
To extend grace after exposing all that we’ve been through. So we can now laugh at the devil. Who does not own me.