Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)
23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Sharing the truths from the experiences gleaned from living the life of an orphan called adopted is much like walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Shadow is indicative of darkness, unknowing, and secrets held for protection.
Who do we all run to when trouble comes? I’ll tell you. Mama and the Lord. I am comforted that even though Mama didn’t take the call, or have a response. The lord always has a response. And always shows up.
Jesus said, Matt 46:50-
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23536B" data-link="(B)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> and brothers<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23536C" data-link="(C)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23540D" data-link="(D)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> is my brother and sister and mother.”
Who really is my Mama? And sisters? I am getting to the bottom of that barrel. Who shows up for me? A stranger. A woman neglected herself, who, took a chance on me.
We’ve had our issues. I’ve had my issues. And she’s had hers. But one thing remains. She’s shown up. And she stayed. Which give her credit beyond what my own Mama did for me. Mamas to busy for me still. Or to too for me. Whatever.
I am certainly the most hopeful person around myself these days. As I hope for the best for us all. Mamas just not there. And at the end of her life she will have to own that. She’ll have to own that when I called, she did not come. For whatever reason. She will have to explain that to her Lord. Not mine.
And I wish her well on her journey. I’ve got change on my mind, not the same old same old. And that what this really is all about. Just letting myself out of all the boxes placed on me. And respected by me. I was learning about how folks act and human nature. Human nature is a peculiar thing. Patterns of behavior abide or refrain.
Mama set me free and I flew back to her and she shewed me away again. Claiming she was not my Mama. Which is crazy to me? And to a woman that has convinces herself of that truth? Who am I? Well a stranger. That’s what I am to my own Mama. A strange stranger she can’t seem to take? But she can take my children? Strangest thing I’ve ever experienced. But that’s human nature.
Stories we tell become intrenched within our cells and hold us in place. Well I’ve let my stories out so Hod can fill me back up with better and I’ve offered Mama a place at my table. Yes. I have. But ya got to go through that valley honey and get real to hang with me.
I’ve changed. I’m not gonna hang around folks that expect me to be silent and hide my truth. And in that, as I see it?, God is my brother and sister and Mother and Father. And I have all access to God and can and do approach the throne of grace boldly. God’s got nothing against me? And in that? I am free.
I can go where I please as long as it’s not Mamas house. Or Chelsie’s house. Or my biological sisters and extended families house. Well ok then. I’ve been long suffering. I’ve waited long enough. And given many chances to my biological family to show up. And so. They did not. Chose to not. And bless them for their truth without me. Bless it.
Like I am the girl who’s faithful and gives folks chances. But that just is changing for me as I gain my footing after doors slammed in my face and people calling me names and poking this bear a little to hard with Destain. Well ok.
I’ve poured my heart out. If ya can’t get me? Ok. Fine. Bless you all. Bless me. As I work to move along. No need for any of this any more. I gave it a go. For my children sake. But hey. My children are welcome. So. I succeeded and raised them well enough that their grandma seems like like them more than me who was of course raised by some stranger she never met.
Can’t say I won’t get upset? I seem to be triggered a lot. And I am tired of hiding this issue caused by being abandoned. Excuse me for having wounds you can’t see. Please.
You know? I always felt different growing up. But I never felt like I felt after meeting my Mama. What a long sharp wake up call for me to experiences her warm and loving side? I am kidding. Her warm and loving side went cold real quick when it all got to be just to much to take? Hell. We never hung out anyway? She never invited me up after her first display.
So. I just sunk away. Like Jack in the Titanic. Frozen in murky waters at sea. That’s me at least where my own Mama is concerned.
I’m glad God can set a table for Mama and me. And that god won’t make us see each other. It’s so great that god can do that instead of making us eat like the discipline did. Unity is so over rated. And Christians should exercise their own rights. Why follow a scripture? What was I thinking trying to talk sense to Mama with scriptures. She just reads them.
She did not expect that I would actually do them and expect her to do them too and practice together? I am so silly.
It will be Interesting as I venture Into motherless waters. If Mama is the ideal? I don’t really want to call Mama Jean a Mama at all. I’d much rather have a friend. And she done her best with what she was given. Which wasn’t much.
Mamas had way more than her. Seems clear now that I’ve gotten it all of my chest. Love can only help if someone wants love. Jesus turned tables over and talk about love. Jesus was radical and riotous. Jesus lead us into a new age and keep leading those who will follow him into new days.
Mamas doing the bets she can. I forgive her for blocking me and all that she has said that hurt me deeply. But I can’t forget it yet. I’ll keep trying. Maybe god will just give me amnesia. That would be so lovely. What a thought. Forget it all and just begin a new and not go back to learn about the past.
Mistakes repeated. It I am so glad to actually know who I came from because it has shown me how far I have come beyond her. Wow. I have come far. And I am proud of myself and for always studying and learning all I could to be better and better.
And I’m ok with that now. You don’t like it? Block me or leave without saying goodbye. It’s your choice and you’ll have to answer for it one day. If god doesn’t bring karma around to make you taste it.
Lord. Keep me close. Never let me go. Thank you for being all to me when Mama chose to be nothing. Amen.