Let me take you back to this beginners mind growing up. In captivity. Feeling much like a caged animal at the mercy of a stranger who had no idea who I came from, and would find out soon enough.
Being Belinda was not easy with Linda inside of me. But thank heaven she was and also for Huey. I’m piecing snippets of traumas that resurface each day and are triggered to step forward. Ive has to hide the real me. To busy trying to defend myself from someone else’s trauma that she’s used on me.
She saw my wounding. And used it against me. Much like maybe she felt. Held me against my will with harsh fear triggering words that tried to poison my love for Mama because she could not even understand it and wanted to demand it. But it was not hers. No. My love for my own Mama is her love alone. And She soon found out had to earn my love and respect herself, hers was not built into me. And in some ways she did earn some respect. But she also took back what she had earned each time she walked all over my boundaries and denied me my space to be me. And showed me about her own treatment wickedly.
Took me time and allot of swallowing my words and feelings. And that kind of a pressure cooker waiting to be opened has got quite a charge. And remember she gave me the ingredients. I have loved her beyond compare because of my love for my own Mama. I could not walk away and block this. Where would I have gone? Can you see why I am so upset to be blocked? Like a caged animal in some Mother trap. Someone’s got to give. Might as well be me giving this freedom to myself. And now to you whoever’s reading this spew.
To show them both how if they even have eyes to see. The real me after all the torture of having to stay with a strange stranger who I was forced to call Mother by my own Mama. It’s heinous and ugly what Mama did so unaware and naively. Yes. I apologize for the shock factor you now can clearly see mine.
Told some of the most mean things to keep me. I don’t really want to repeat them all. I’ve given enough to let you taste her brew in the pot that’s she been cooking up in me for her. It’s is her undoing. That needs to be as a shine the light on her own wounds and take this blade of truth, (no one is being harmed with any knife) metaphorically speaking my words of truth to help her as best I can. To expanse beyond.
I do see god’s plan. Believe me it’s not been easy to see through my own Mamas weakness and blocking behaviors to see the savior working through me? What else is all this for? One more Horror on the wall? Or healing? I chose the later. She just automatically did what she had learned to me. That is how abuse keeps going. And I did many to my own children? Yet awarely and calling my own bad self and learned behaviors out to set the standard even when I failed. Apologize reset a point when we apologize and spank ourselves before our children. Yes. It changed my children’s minds to see me walk and fall and get up and be real.
I struggled going against what I had been taught at a strangers hands. Alone. Isolated. No sisters to call. Just god on the line was all I was given. Yet I made it. A bit rumpled yes. Scared yes. Twisted. Duh. I see it. Do you see what happens to me dears? Do you see the difference between us and our similarities? Somehow. You all carried me too. Thank you. I thank Mama for her prayers because she was blocked too by what she was told. Basically told to lie by the courts for her own safety. It’s not safe for a Mama who’s given her child away? People are nasty. She was right to hide. I can see that.
But there is no need to hide now with me by her side. Right the wrong done to us both and showing her the lesson I’ve learned about loving those who struggle to love themselves. Why do you all think I kept moving away? Yet I did not feel comfortable moving to you for the words I was told? See? Horrible things that kept me away from the one person I needed most. And who’s love is most precious.
She is not like Mama. And I know she’s wounded. And god does love her not her actions. That’s key to separate it. I’m stayed for her soul. Mama. You know about the soul. Her soul lives in an abused body. Cellular memories causes her trouble too and she took it out on me. But somewhere inside her is her inner child longing for connection. See? It’s twisted you must keep close to me if you even want to get it. I’m leading you down my rabbit hole.
I’ve climbed out many times. Waiting and longing for all of you. But a healer can not leave her post. I wanted you to know about your sister and maybe have our chance. But free will says you can just throw me away and keep blocking or you can change the pattern in Mama to Block and we all are free.
I’ve taken you into my private chambers. Inside my mind and heart for two woman. Who need a baby to show them their way out. Ok? Xoxo.
That’s why I am crazy to you. Someone who can love like that? Is deemed crazy but remember. Mama sent me there and god took it from there. That is what I did with the shit I was given. Now what about you? This shit affect you too. All of us in our unit have felt the affect and just couldn’t nail it down to the patterns.
I was moved and experienced different patterns and it changed my brain. Set me on high alert. For who? All of you. Like a beacon of love I loved her for you. Mama sent me. And I obeyed as best I could. But I didn’t not take it lightly how she treated Linda’s gift. No. Actions are actions and behaviors must be addressed. To salvage any hope for my own children’s success I had to go against many things I was told or I would Have been totally ruined.
I certainly hope your taking me seriously now. I do hate disrespect just as much as Mama does. And have felt disrespected since day one in the house of a stranger all alone in a crib, freaked out and wanting to smell and touch Mama. Any baby and all babies are like that. We learn to deny them. Mama has denied herself me.
And I’m Back to set her free.