Many question I have.
Why did I test as a sophomore in college in my sophomore year in high school and nothing was done about it? Seems to me logically? I might be deemed as bored? Or held back by the curriculum? I did do well in college? Even with three children?
Why did I make it to 5th grade and was removed from Mr Deist’s classroom because I could not read out loud? I could not red out loud? What? And then was give. Speed reading? That want the issue? I never read to anyone? At home? Mama Jean liked it quiet?
I was sent to Mr Travis’s class.
Why did abusive Mr Travis get away with abusing children? Putting them in stove boxes after jamming them up against the coat racks? Why did I feel I couldn’t tell anyone, because they would not listen? Why did not one person look into why I was not being given homework? And passed all my grade because he knew I knew he was bad and just let it slide? Because I glared so hard and long at him when he hurt my friend Kim.
I was in 5th grade and felt powerless to bring change. The one who gave me to the one who didn’t pay attention to the signs in me trying to tell her. But she made me play the quiet game?
Go on. Block me Mama. Go on make fun and talk smack Mama. How does a child so traumatize by the rejection of her Mother learn to communicate such deep things playing a quiet game Mama?
How do I learn to speak correctly? Tell me? I am silly. And that’s What Mama Jean taught me. What worse did she give me? Mama? What? Surely you can see it by now? How I was treated? I’ve spilled it all out of this cup filled with love for you now jaded by this lady?
My god woman wake up it’s your daughter please help me? Can’t you see I’ve been neglected? Lord Jesus. Wake my Mama up please? Lord please please help me. Send prayer warriors awake to pray for me please Jesus. Mamas gone cold as a stone thrown in the ice bucket.
Why was I deemed intelligent and college worthy in high school Mama? Yet stunted with Mr. Travis? What happened?
Well I know that This is what I saw back in the day when I was playing that’s damn quiet game? I guessed my Friend Kim needed me? Like maybe I was some invisible angel working for God? Hell Mama? No one seemed to see me? That is what I began to think. So invincible. I wondered why Mama Jean never said a thing to the principal? And why no one asked or found the boxes in the back of the room strange?
And lord now not you too? Am I dead? Surely? I know I am breathing?
And in junior years when I ask Mrs Donelly to help me understand a thesis. She told me to go read the book. And I kept asking. And then I gave up and wrote my story about a pregnant girl and got an A? How? Maybe gifted?
Why did I flunk that class? Intentionally? Because she sucked as a teacher Mama. I wanted Mrs Raznic to teach me so I could learn in what was called bone head English. To not give Mrs Donnelly the chance to pass me without know what a damn thesis was. I’ve fought hard for what I’ve gotten Mama.
Surely I made sure I tested at least one of my kids? So they all probably are? Gifted like me. Surely you can see?
I took David to college with me so he could see beyond High school teachers assessments. And not be like me. Mama.
When I met you and saw all the books I knew.
I’ve been like a dog with no bone? Chewing on anything to get me higher than Mama Jean seemed to think I could go? She made me feel like she did not think much came out of you? Just saying. I lived it and still do. I told her the other day that you didn’t think much of her? Yeah. I went there. Truth. Feedback loop.
How do you give someone who has taken all that she had away and not be grateful for her life and make sure she thrives? She can’t even keep a plant alive. How Mama? She did not store anything in heaven? Or did she? If showing up for me counts? Hell what do I know? Seems I’m a lunatic?
Well I raised my kids like a Mama-Father. I wore both hats and got shit about that! My kids friends trying to tell me to stop being her friend? Who says that? Mothers are the best of friends? They are supposed to tell ya the truth? And let you fall so you learn? And pick you up when you fall. Like I know I have. I can’t live my kids lives. No. But I can assist them. Guide them if they wish.
But Mama Jean had a twisted truth. At least for me dear Mama. I think I broke her from being to mean to my kids, except David. She hates on him. But what do I know.
I’m just an orphan living on skid row prison for bad girls. Right? Shunned for speaking up to explain? And tell an awful truth alone in a garage to her own Mama? Uck. This sucks.
If my Big sister is gifted. And I know that she is. Then so am I. The federal government should take care of me. It’s their mess. I’ve worked all my life trying to climb ladders with no end. And my training seems to missing some pages? You can thank dear ole mama Jean for that one.
Dont tell me I’m not trying. Like don’t. I’ve worked jobs and gone to college. What? What? I’m Not giving up now?
I do need gramerly. Yes.
Thank God for all the men in my life which is why I can be quite salty Mama. They trained me and they saw and see. They are with me. There words guide me. Each one had their flaws. But they never ever denied them to me Mama. Honesty is the best policy.
That’s is what I’ve given. All the trash. And talk and games and. Ill shot she filled me up with. Blah. There. Look at it. Flush it. Burn it. Please. Make it go away Mama! Come and get me. It’s all I ask. I’ll do the rest if you will just promise to never leave me again with a stranger?
I’ve got work to do Mama. I’m gonna show you what I am made of. But with you. Please. Help me with the missing pages she kept from me. Because she wicked. Ok. I said it.
And now I feel naked. Maybe back to when I was born? I know God’s been cleaning me? I’ve felt it was some kind of purging of garbage I really never wanted. I did want to go to college. And be a star. A singer. A wife and A Mama.
But all I could ever do was shit jobs. No clubs. No brownies. No nothing. Piano. Then taken away even though every page said memorized Mama? I was gifted. I learned by ear and sight.
Mama Jean didn’t like it. She knew I would shine. That is sick. Hurt my heart so bad at the time. I’ve never gotten Over it. Maybe now I will.
I don’t care that I am writing on here. Everyone in this town saw it. How she treated me like a clown. They did nothing about it. I felt like she owned me. She did show up? I owed her in some way? It’s been so twisted. I am done wanted to even remember. But you needed to know. Because I just really really felt if I told you, if you really knew, that you’d change your mind and not hate me anymore. Yeah. Sounds so simple. For a gifted child. But I am still yours. If you want me?
Yeah I am humble. Very. I bowed to a wicked queen for you. I showed her who Linda was. These days she’s seeing my Daddy’s. I can’t blame them for getting their lickings in. I mean I am probably now crazy? But aren’t we all a little bit?
And would you kind of be a little crazy after trying to love some strange lady who showed up to try. Try to be your Mama? Oh Lordy Mama. Bless her heart. She’s tried.
She should have never poked this bear made by Linda Mama. Just saying. She drove all my Dads crazy. Phill never met her. Thank God. God protected him.
I don’t like her to touch me. No. Makes me wibby Jebby. Much of my childhood is blocked. So I can’t remember if she touched me inappropriately. I was on prescriptions a lot I don’t remember much. There’s a picture on here you can see it. I’m naked. Never did like being naked around her. But she insisted. I remember that. Maybe when I get into counseling. Those memories will come up so I can release them. Until then. No touching. I don’t like it.
I told her I was molested by my uncles Johns son? She said nothing. No shock. No dismay.
This is not easy. But what can she do to me now? Throw me out on the street and let the whole town now see her cards? Make it official? Like they all don’t know?
She got upset at me and tried to squash me. Shut me up. Twist it. She can’t remember a thing and get worse each day. I’m not gonna hide it anymore.
Why do you think I’ve picked suck men? All addicted to something. It’s all I’ve known Mama. But I’ve left that and am now still waiting for you to come get me. So I. Me. With your asissitace and my sister if they will to freakin help me for god sakes?
I’ve never wanted to be like this? I’m Linda’s daughter? Lord Jesus. This is subpar at worst case scenario. I am about to loos it? I’ve held on so long? Like do you even see me wavy my arms? I’ve bowed a thousand time on here? What do you need to trust me???!!!!
What? Wake up Mama. Please. Come in your jammies come get me. I don’t give a shit about this. I’ll leave it all. I am serious. I’m done. I’d like to take my things? My art and furniture? I can learn about SCA? And make things to take with Big sissy? I can be good? I’m just tired of being around cranky old lady trying to be you? She ain’t you Mama.
Like do you really want me to stay here with this? Like surely you can do better? Can you try? Like really what trouble have I been? Before all this? Did you never wonder why I was so Placid? Why do you think I called you? For help? Words of encouragement? Maybe tell me to come home? You help Nick? Why not me? Why? What is your reason?
What did I do to you? Except be honest? Barf all the shit I was given up so you could see what’s been ailing me? Was I supposed to swallow? And die? That was so toxic? Do people get well if they swallow vomit Mama? Spiritual? Emotional, physical vomit? Do they?
What do I know? Well. If you can ignore this transmission. I’m doomed. And have given you way more credit than you were due. Just saying? Like wow. This life is so painful when you can’t get to you Mamas heart for all that she thinks. The flesh is weak. But hold a grudge way to long. Forgive me?
Please. Come and get me. Now. Let me know if you are coming. Please. Don’t leave me like this hanging and waiting so long. I really know why Angela was mad at me for being late to get her after a dance. Wow did she get upset. And you know? I let her. Cuz I never got to get all upset and show it. And I did not want to stop her expressions. Whether she was upset at me or not. I took it.
But. I’ve taken a lot. Ask Chelsie how Mama Jean treats me? She’s got her minutes and hours. But when the kids aren’t around? David heard some of it tonite. Me trying to talk and her just trying to turn the table. She just never gonna change. She’s evil. It’s true. I hate it. I’ve tried so hard Mama. But she won’t let me love her? She won’t. She keep biting me. Jeering at me. She told me tonite you did not care about me. And she means it. I can see it in her eyes and she no longer gives a shit to hide.
She thinks my kids hate me. Her precious daughter. Divorced. And in a garage. Bravo. Bravo Adoption. Thank you so grateful.
All sarcasm aside. I’ve had to be grateful for everything I have. I’ve earned it. With my sweat and my blood.
Lord. Thank you truly in Earnest for this garage to keep me safe. And Angela’s bed to sleep in.
Chelsie. I apologize to you now. I had nothing to give you because nothing was given to me. Please forgive me for that. Xox. Bad Mama. I own it. Bad non behavior.
I really don’t know why you are struggling to believe me Mama? Why would anyone lie publicly? Ask yourself? What I’ve said here on this page. Was my truth. I’m done being treated like shit and ignored by both my Mamas.
Why? I’ll never know what I did to them both?
—I do realize this is a run on swirling of more of the same thing. But these days it’s all my mind does. I need Mama—
Thank you for diving really deep with me.
This is scary. Coming home to reality that you’ve lived and survived.
please excuse grammatical errors and run on whatever’s. Thank you. I’m a bit rattled right now. I’m trying to wake up my Mama.
Please pray for us. Thank you.
I can not go back any longer. I wish to go forward with my Mama. Put all this garbage behind me or maybe write an inspiring story. To help another orphan not give up on themselves or their Mama.
Mama. I love you. Please forgive me for being dirty? I’ve tried so hard to stay clean in this desert. Wandering around without you to guide me.
Can I trust you? Will you trust me?
I want better. I want you.