But the trick is to heal thyself first. And your reading about mine. Blow by blow. Inch by inch. I rise. And I’m healing my Mama as I go. As she sees me heal. Reads about my struggles. Mourns. Purges the old. She learns about her own wounding.
There was so much about me shrouded with mystery and fairytales growing up I was like a ship tossed at sea. This way that way. Up down. Side to side. I struggled to find my way while dealing with well meaning folks trying to make me go their way. It was not easy. No.
But I just held onto Mama for dear life inside me. I called to her DNA inside me and my fathers DNA too. I asked God to help me. I didn’t know that what I was doing was activating my DNA to help me. But that’s exactly what I was doing. Digging deep within for the answers no one could seem to give me.
Both my Mamas were wounded. Starved of nutrients and attention. That’s plain to see. Mama was denied a voice and stunted of emotional maturity. Blocking is her MO. So blocking was her parents MO. It’s a learned behavior and her coping mechanism when she’s overwhelmed with something she does not understand.
That’s why I’m giving it to her. Hard. And heavy. Because she needs to know and it’s vital to her own evolution. Why would I leave her stunted and lame? That’s just stupid.People do it all the time. Why? Because they don’t know what to do either? Lack of knowledge is pervasive here on planet earth. Ignorance is a curse to us all.
And love is the only cure. Tough love that is. Tough love is what Ilearned from my Mama at two days old. And tough love is what I’mgiving back.Unconditional tough love. That is.I’m giving her what she did not have so she can have what she really wants. Wisdom and understanding about her own lifedecisions. While? I heal myself, Mama heals too.That’s is. If she’s paying attention and praying to God.
Daniel in the lions den had to trust God in the lion to be safe. To know God was in the lion and that he had no need to fear. God controlled the lion. And lions sense fear. To fear is to make the lion fear? Which then makes them kill. Fact.
Fearful birds fed theiryoung less. My Mamas parents had fear. Why? The depression? What a fearful tome that was. People worried and feared a lot back then.
To look at my Mamas pantry is to know she fears starvation. And probably was limited in what she could eat for fear and getting in trouble for wasting. Fact. We pack the freezer and fill up the pantry? For fear. Fear affects behaviors.
One of the things Mama worries about was that I would take away from my sisters and then in turn be punished. She thought that someone else would feed me better, especially if it was just me. And. She was wrong because the woman she sent me to was deprived food too.
Sitting at the table for dinner I was told to eat all my food or I would go to bed at 6 o’clock. Thank god for my Dad, who ate what I could not. I had digestive issues and what Mama Jean ate was not healthy for me. I ate plants in the yard and dirt to balance my digestion out without even knowing that that was exactly what I needed?
Took me a while to learn? But I just naturally like an animal found what I needed. Unlike the sparrow. I survive and adapted to the lack of foods I needed growing up. I stepped out of the box. I probably couldn’t have done that with Mama. I loved her to much and I would have staved yo save her. But without her? With a stranger? I was bold and unapologetic.
Mama Jean may not have understood my strange behavior? But inside me. I knew.
Children are to be seen and not heard.
Famous statement I heard a lot growing up. Mama probably said it too. So quiet was demanded at the home I grew up in. And for me? I needed sounds and music. Which made it difficult for me. But I survived. I seemed to need loud sound, probably to drown out the words spoken over me that were not me, but more about the internal struggle of the woman who raised me. She spewed what was spewed I to her onto and into me. Toxic.
Growing up it was more important to get a deal than to buy good healthy food. Canned food lack vital energy. But back in the day it was honored and encouraged. Due to the depression. It’s in the name guys. And make me depressed too. I needed fresh veggies and fruits. But. mama Jean saw no use in these? They could waste. Well? Yeah if you do t use them? I used to sneak into the frig when she was busy and steal fresh foods from the crisper.
Lettuce was my favorite. I’d rip off a hunk of lettuce and run outside and eat it. I always felt better when I ate a salad. Mama Jean would cook the hell out of the veggies because they was the way back then. Mushy and lifeless. And yucky. She didn’t know any better? But that didn’t mean I needed to not know better?
The first book I bought after marriage was a nutritional almanac. It was the beginning of my nutritional education. I read that thing all the time. Trying to find out what a body needed.
Of course I had come from starvation and depravity. And would struggle my whole life working to reroute the pattern but I was determined. Food is life and I did not want to deprive my children like I was. And I did not. But I did deprive them. Just not as bad as I was deprived. It’s not easy raising kids and trying to change your training. No.
Seemed they ate better when I did not work outside the home. But that’s a joke. No one supports a woman to stay home and raise the kids? She’s deemed lazy and a loser. Well I lost many times so they could win. And for them? Food is life. And they love good food. Win win if I had to loose stature and a career so they could be healthier. I did have to sacrifice to do this.
I sacrificed a career. I sacrificed respect. From my Mamas who didn’t get what I was doing at all. Their behavior was so deeply ingrained they thought I was a loser for being on welfare? Well? I’d rather be on welfare than leave my kids to fend for themselves. I tried to work. They always suffered and I could not beat it.
When my second husband left. I was not supported to stay home. He gave me nothing to help feed them. Or cloth them He was cruel. Worried I might buys something frivolous. He was deprived too growing up. And hadn’t even appreciate his wife who fed him well.
But. I saw that coming and made sure in the divorce papers that his portion would be handled by the state to insure that he contribute to their welfare. However meager the payments were? 600 a month ain’t much when one of your children is a boy. And he complained the whole time for having to provide for them? Oh behaviors. Learned. How they bit us in the ass.
Thank God for the church helping me feed those kids. But the church didn’t do that great either. Junk food. No apples or oranges. Junk. It’s was hard. And eventually I had to move home for lack of support in keeping my kids in the best school around? I had to work to sustain us if you wanna call it that?
My oldest child was not the right person to lean on like Mama Jean leaned on me. And I didn’t want to lean on her. I wanted her to have her childhood. But my back was against the wall with my ex husband being a dick and not helping? Really a wake up call there. Men? They say they love you as long as they can possess you and your all theirs. Wow!
I’ve learned a lot this lifetime. So. When someone with a wound. Like my Mamas is around? I tend to it. Naturally. Lovingly. But people who’s patterns are deeply engrained take offense easily at some lily livered lunatic messing around with their patterns. They can’t see any other way.
I’d rather be called crazy then lazy. I came her to overcome this. And not to back down cuz Mama don’t like me. Mama don’t like herself either. So what? I’m fixing that toot sweet. As I unravel her from the spell she cast on herself with her own words. Cuz my truth is setting her free. But she beats herself up a lot about me. So. I’m showing her I know all about it.
As I lit up her world like the Fourth of July. And I’m Showing her her patterns. This sparrow can fly. Shame is not God’s way. But Mamas been shaming herself for years and god’s grace can not come to her if she’s banging her head on a wall about patterns that were passed down to her in ignorance? No. We going higher Mama. Grace will have her way no denying. Forgiveness demands that we forgive ourselves first and speak our truth in Ernest.
Jesus showed us how to speak the truth and go against the patterns to make a point. To bring change. We don’t crucify folks on cross like days of old thank heaven and Jesus for taking the hit and showing folks their flawed perspective and behaviors. Folks back then didn’t get it. And today we still trying. And dying for lack of something arother.
Lack is pervasive in the land of the free due to depression Imprint in our DNA. Worry is rampant. Faith is limited due to lack of instructions spoken in faith and not fear? People parent with fear and don’t even see it. I did. As I took the feedback from my own kids and learned to go higher. They helped me see my way past those lack behaviors.
I even debtors myself which wasn’t a good one to teach them. Denied of my Mama. I denied myself. Had to learn how to mother myself.
I spent so much time vacillating between staving and nurture I didn’t even see how badly I’d been denied. And how can a cup that filled up with lack even fill her children’s belly to satisfaction? Like seriously? But I tried. Rammed up against that wall in my mind. Sang and pounded till the walls came tumbling down so I could overcome this for them.
Didn’t really matter about me? Which was sad? That I had suck little reverence for my own life? Not to see that they needed to see me satisfy myself? That’s how they learn. Seeing Mama do what they need to do was my concerns. I had to read books for lack of a model. And go to the church to see how others loved their sons and daughters. How does God love us?
So if healers need some sounding to bring healing to others? Well I’ve got plenty. You can thank my dear Mothers.