Yeah. Just found this. I’m learning a lot about myself after the fact. Thank you.
Nobody saw about me. Except God.
- yeah. Read it and weep. I’ve got all of them. ✅✅.
Trauma galore people. Neglect. Twice. Separation. Doubled. Never knew my Dad. Lost Mama. Lost Elmer, my adopted Dad by divorce. I was attached to him. Then Mama Jean. Lost her to the bottle.
I could go one. Sexually molested by the son of the man who ultimately helped my Mama separated from me. He killed himself when I was age 9. Lost him too.
People? None of my parents had a clue. What they did? Substance abuse? I was mixing drinks before I was 9. My parents went to Jamaica. And brought home rum. Who mixed the drinks? Me.
Oh Mama. So
yep. Over and over and over. Fight or flight.
Got triggered the other day when I took the puppies to that horrible place. Fight. No flight. I don’t back down anymore. I use it to Change shit. I get panic attack’s. Hearts starts pouring for no reason. Wake up at 4 am. Heart pounding. Feelings like something wrong. No reason? This was happening when I was married. Did anyone care? Hell know.
High strung. Yeah. My ass. Traumatized my
Whole life. Still traumatized. Hell my own Mama traumatizes me and deny me. Neglect me. Out of sight? Out of mind. Both of them.
yes. I was abusive myself. I won that. But I never gave up working on myself. And I always apologized after I had been triggered and went into automatic mode.
I ask you. Where did I learn how to be abusive? Neglectful? If it were not for the churches I went to? I would not have learned how to unconditionally love. My pastor Joseph back in Tennessee was Instrumental in helping me change. I used to buy his tapes and listen on the way to work each day and night. To work and to home. Trying to fill myself up.
I married abusive men and neglectful me. It was a familiar pattern that I was to young to see or change?
And like the story of kicking the wife and the wife kicks the child and the child kicks the dog? Yeah. Cellular memory is strong. Even if, deep inside all you want to do is love and protect your kids? You pass the trauma on.
That’s why I am bravely, boldly, calling myself out? My Mamas worry about themselves. Fuck myself if I don’t get this right. My children will get better!! They are worth it!
Not. On my beat. As I see it. The cards were stacked against me from the get go. But my Papa taught me how yo play cards. I just changed the game I was playing.
My kids are why I come here and type. I want them to see me get better. Do better. Be better than where I came from.
Yeah. They are my world. They have guided me well. All of them. No greater mirror than a mother mirror? Is your child as a mirror. Crystal clear they showed me the mark. Thank god. I showed up and payed attention. Xox.