I do not know how my Mother did it, giving me away?

Today I had planned to drop my puppies of at a so I was told? Amazing place in Chico that would find home for my babies they said? Well. I saw this place and was so traumatized by this disorganized place? I did not drop my Puppies off there and took them home.

Beside the rude owner. And all the barking? Abandoning anything is just to stressful for me. When my Mama gave me away? She scared me from ever wanting another being to feel what I felt after she did that to us both.

Like my soul hurt for all those puppies? Barking and crying and pawing at their cages set in the sun? I told the owner quite frankly that I was adopted and that this was really quite overwhelming with all the barking?

My puppies threw up in the car. So upset by all the barking as well? She bullied me by telling me I was as bad as my Mother! I said no I am not I’m not leaving these puppies with you! And I’m going to report you. And so I did.

But these are the situations that really push my buttons too Mama. I’ve got buttons too. If you thought you were the only one with buttons? And you’ve been pushing mine since we reunited?

I guess I should have reported you when you told me my sisters didn’t need me they have each other? Oh. But that just the truth is it?

Yep. You made sure of it and left them with nothing to even hold onto except your manuscript, the one with me written out of all scenes.

It’s very disconcerting. My triggers when used in the right direction can be helpful. I called the SPCA and reported that place and channel 12 news Chico ca. We will see how much either of them who are the professionals in regards to dog treatment will do?I’ve never seen a place like that? And never wish to again. So upsetting. It was as if the dogs were pleading with me. They were barking so loudly!! And frantically. When we drove away the song on the radio was Save Me.

I do not know how Mama left me. She must have been half crazy at the time? And how the hell she kept me a secret for 30 years? What a hard thing to do. Makes me sad for her. So twisted and barked trying to hold onto a decision that I eventually turned over. And so angry I did?

Probably because of her reputation. Sad. I do feel for her. She abandoned herself that day she abandoned me. At least I can see that. Guess that all that matters. This lesson was for me alone not for the others.

But. If Mama can’t love me even though? What’s the point of even reading a scripture and praying? I’ve jumped over all Mamas boundaries. Loved her anyway. I’ve not been happy with the mess? But at least I work at cleaning it up?

Her view of her own world is a pigeon hole? So small. I do believe giving me away changed her and my sisters got the brunt of her own anger at herself looking at them? Kept and still with her? Must have been hard for her to even keep a balance knowing she had denied me what they were getting? Or did she just stuff that? Probably stuffed it.

But like I’ve told my own children to tell their truth, or it will come out in some other kind of behavior. Took me years to drag up from the vault what I buried for lack of a place to put it. I’ve given it to the world.

Adoption is a cruel game. Where the child is dried what’s theirs by birth right. It’s the worst denial of all. I’ve been lawfully neglected by my own Mama and now my own family on her side shuns me. Blocked me.

This is what our lives look like? After all the cutting and pasting is done. And at some point as I’ve illustrated. It all falls apart with us children holding the pieces that once where lovingly placed together by god. Yeah. God.

Hiding your own daughter? What was I unsafe from? Please tell me? Am I safe now? Not to tell my side that clear by all the blocking? To know what to do and do it Not is a sin. Guess Mama didn’t know a thing and reads and can’t comprehend?

What a day. But hey. At least I did not leave these puppies there at that place. At least I got that right and they were so grateful. Just like me when someone showed up. But that did not stop my anger and question as to where is my Mama and why did she not show up for work?

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psychecafe

I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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