That where I liked it or not? Where I could? I would? Pass my trauma on to my children. I’d been left to myself. And no matter how many counselors I went too? Not one of them would get me clean. Not one.
I needed God. And I need to get to the bottoms of myself to find the foundation.
What’s driving me? Is my children. To see. To have to see the wounds in their eyes? Has driven me to this purge of my own bullshit that I had no idea I was smearing all over the one I love so much.
You can be an addict and never take a drink. You can have an addictive personality without even a physical drug. Because grief and pain where my drugs. And I was addicted. It’s all I knew. It over shadowed everything and cast a grey hue onto it all.
And? My children deserve better. Change. Looks much like Chaos when all you’ve ever known was a way that was a dead end.
I. Need to face myself. My saving grace? Was that I fed my kids all the tools that I learned and could not use, to use on me and in their own lives. So that they. Could get me clean by showing myself in their mirror.
Doesn’t matter that I can quote scriptures and help others if my own seed suffers. I’m worthless unless they are well too. And that they have a clean and beautiful mirror to gaze into in their own Mama?
My kids have had to look at how wounded I am. To see how hard it was to be a good Mama. All I’ve done is nothing. Nothing. Unless they are healthy. All that I am is nothing if they are healthy.
I’ve learned how much my Mama has over shadowed me. How our past haunted me and that those ghost tormented my children. It’s takes guts to stand up. After being so strong. And to say, I’m fucked up and need to get real so I can do better.
We all have value. And it was time for me to see my own. And to see that my Chelsie needed me to get clean. Thank God she stood up to me. It was so hard for her to kick my ass. But she did. All of them have in their own way.
Because miracle do happen. But not without work and faith. My kids can handle crazy. But they should not have too. And it’s time for me to set up my boundaries. Now. That I see they have theirs.
It’s like I always do it backwards. Them first. Then me. Now. I’m able to put me first. And know. They’ve got themselves set. And God’s got them. Xoxo.