Oprah and Ellen two avatars

Coming out ain’t easy and I’ve paid a price for not just my freedom, but the freedom of all Adoptees to have someone who began this vital conversation.

I’m not the only one who’s coming out. And this blog is dedicated to my brothers and sisters on the planet that need to see someone speak without editing or watering it down to suit the masses and keep folks in their comfort zones.

And if an adoptee can’t speak up when they are clearly uncomfortable and wondering where their Mamas are and get an honest answer? I’ve got a problem with that. It took me years to gain the courage to speak up.

So thank you Oprah and Ellen for paving the way for me and speaking such wise words learned from hard earned lesson of standing up to be counted, and being authentic.

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I was to busy being grateful.

So codependent. Thanks Adoption for making me feel like a beggar. So busy trying to over compensate for my Mamas misinformed decision. “Boy”, I thought to myself growing up? “Is she gonna be mad when I tell her what everyone said about her when I finally get home!”

She had no idea. This I know. What she had done until it was done. Like don’t judge me because I’m all over the place? That’s what the world does to us? This one says this and that one says that. It’s a mess you all made of me.

And now my Mama doesn’t even recognize me! Fuck all of you!! Grateful for what? What! Where is my Mama! And when will this ever end! Like I’m tired of this nonsense.

Raised to be nothing more than patsy clown I was. Nothing more than a dog that barks at command. Now I’m learning how to speak on my own? And my Mama hates me. Fuck you!

I’m so over this world. Dogs treated like prisoners. People treated like shit. I’ve been manipulated. Neglected. Mama Jean can’t even keep a plant alive? Who do you think kept me alive? Me! And god! Maybe my grandma prayers. Hell. Who knows anything?

Was I wrong. Mama could care less about all I’ve been through. Why? Cuz if she cared about me then she would have to finally care about herself? And she doesn’t want to go there cuz she scared she won’t come back?

Well? I’m here aren’t I? I came back?

I do not know how my Mother did it, giving me away?

Today I had planned to drop my puppies of at a so I was told? Amazing place in Chico that would find home for my babies they said? Well. I saw this place and was so traumatized by this disorganized place? I did not drop my Puppies off there and took them home.

Beside the rude owner. And all the barking? Abandoning anything is just to stressful for me. When my Mama gave me away? She scared me from ever wanting another being to feel what I felt after she did that to us both.

Like my soul hurt for all those puppies? Barking and crying and pawing at their cages set in the sun? I told the owner quite frankly that I was adopted and that this was really quite overwhelming with all the barking?

My puppies threw up in the car. So upset by all the barking as well? She bullied me by telling me I was as bad as my Mother! I said no I am not I’m not leaving these puppies with you! And I’m going to report you. And so I did.

But these are the situations that really push my buttons too Mama. I’ve got buttons too. If you thought you were the only one with buttons? And you’ve been pushing mine since we reunited?

I guess I should have reported you when you told me my sisters didn’t need me they have each other? Oh. But that just the truth is it?

Yep. You made sure of it and left them with nothing to even hold onto except your manuscript, the one with me written out of all scenes.

It’s very disconcerting. My triggers when used in the right direction can be helpful. I called the SPCA and reported that place and channel 12 news Chico ca. We will see how much either of them who are the professionals in regards to dog treatment will do?I’ve never seen a place like that? And never wish to again. So upsetting. It was as if the dogs were pleading with me. They were barking so loudly!! And frantically. When we drove away the song on the radio was Save Me.

I do not know how Mama left me. She must have been half crazy at the time? And how the hell she kept me a secret for 30 years? What a hard thing to do. Makes me sad for her. So twisted and barked trying to hold onto a decision that I eventually turned over. And so angry I did?

Probably because of her reputation. Sad. I do feel for her. She abandoned herself that day she abandoned me. At least I can see that. Guess that all that matters. This lesson was for me alone not for the others.

But. If Mama can’t love me even though? What’s the point of even reading a scripture and praying? I’ve jumped over all Mamas boundaries. Loved her anyway. I’ve not been happy with the mess? But at least I work at cleaning it up?

Her view of her own world is a pigeon hole? So small. I do believe giving me away changed her and my sisters got the brunt of her own anger at herself looking at them? Kept and still with her? Must have been hard for her to even keep a balance knowing she had denied me what they were getting? Or did she just stuff that? Probably stuffed it.

But like I’ve told my own children to tell their truth, or it will come out in some other kind of behavior. Took me years to drag up from the vault what I buried for lack of a place to put it. I’ve given it to the world.

Adoption is a cruel game. Where the child is dried what’s theirs by birth right. It’s the worst denial of all. I’ve been lawfully neglected by my own Mama and now my own family on her side shuns me. Blocked me.

This is what our lives look like? After all the cutting and pasting is done. And at some point as I’ve illustrated. It all falls apart with us children holding the pieces that once where lovingly placed together by god. Yeah. God.

Hiding your own daughter? What was I unsafe from? Please tell me? Am I safe now? Not to tell my side that clear by all the blocking? To know what to do and do it Not is a sin. Guess Mama didn’t know a thing and reads and can’t comprehend?

What a day. But hey. At least I did not leave these puppies there at that place. At least I got that right and they were so grateful. Just like me when someone showed up. But that did not stop my anger and question as to where is my Mama and why did she not show up for work?

You suck.

I guess Mama needed, A girl who would give birth to David, yet she’d be the one to take down Goliath with her love for Mama with her pebbles of understanding from waking a lifetime without her and that meaning.

We all hear how fighting is wrong. What about David? In the Bible who was the smallest son of Jesse who tended to the lambs? He seemed to unassuming and small? Yet he towered above them all after his slingshot took down the town bully send to take down God’s people.

People

Should not try to steal. From those who are peaceful and trying to be good? Seems the Bible is chalked full of stories about people Overcoming a bully or two. Seems God inspires men and woman to fill up the pages of a code book of the ages with the stories. Of god’s saving glories. So much so we call that book

Holy.

God will never leave us nor forsake us. And neither should a Mama do the same or be lead to think she’s clever to walk away from

Her calling to help another. If you want God to give you a baby? May I make a suggestion?

Go home and baby sit you sisters kids or your neighbors. If you can’t handle their kids? With pleasure? You ain’t ready to be a mother. Plain and simple. This body I live in is a temple. Not for your glory. I know who I came from stop telling me stories and help me find Mama. For she needs me. But she’s to proud to scream it. She’s punished herself without knowing.

Why don’t you help kids to stay with their Mamas if you want one of your own? Why do you have to be greedy and want what’s sent to another and allow her to be used like an oven and left in such a state of mind?

Don’t tell me you love me. Show me. By helping me get to my Mama! How dare you! Yes. How dare you think your so intelligent! To think taking me away would make it better.

It. Did. Not.

You are not ready if God won’t open your belly. Take this warning. And stop tearing up families for your own glory. You suck. Try again. This time. Let’s get it right.

When I was five….

When I was five and going to kindergarten. I beat up the preachers daughter. Who thought she was funny making fun of my Mommy.

Now before you get upset let me tell you the story my teacher told me to tell when I was ready, because she did not judge me. No it seems I inspired all on that playground as a set that little lady straight as an arrow.

She’d been taunting me about Mama. She knew I was adopted. And to look at me growing, I look like Snow White all fancy. But deep down inside of me where Daddy had taught me away from my other Mother, was a prize fighter.

He knew one day someone would go to far. So he told me what to do and how to do it. And I listen to my father about standing up for my Mama. Because he met her. And my sisters. And that man truly loved me and my family.

And this was his gift to me and my family. Which was to make me strong enough to take all the guff and dish it back precisely as it was given. So one day I pounded the preachers daughter into the gravel.

And not a soul blamed me. Not a soul was left uninspired by a child in a play yard who could stand up to someone who’s father was a preacher in town, who did not train his daughter to be like Jesus. I taught her a lesson she would never forget about loving the woman you came from as I pushed her face into the pavement and made her cry uncle.

No punishment befell me. For I was defending and ending some little girls tirade forever. To think she could spew all her garbage onto an orphan.

The teachers just calmed me. And told a story. They loved me for loving my Mommy so much that I would defend her. That was the first day everyone knew I was crazy, about my Mama.

And no one faulted me on the day in question. When I thumped on my chest and began proclaiming. “Don’t even talk about my Mama, you don’t even know her!”, “but I did, she was inside me”.

Boy did she get a shocker when no one stood up for her about my actions. Everyone stood there as I addressed her and set her mind straight about this girl who looked all fancy but was my Mamas hell rider.

The teachers never told Mama Jean what I was fighting about, they called it a squabble. That girl didn’t even want to tell her father that she had put down another girl’s Mama. And that when I knew I was walking with karma. And that God was my father and was gonna help me find Mama.

As the kids cheered with glee. After I faced the kindergarten years bully. I don’t even remember her name. I blocked it. Such a disgrace of a prophets daughters life was my thoughts about it. I thought I’d be suspended. But no. I was respected.

All for the love of Mama God covered me with grace as I began my education about what the love of my Mama could do to change the minds of Adults in charge over children. All the teachers knew about me. But they never told the reason why Belinda beat up a girl speaking treason about my Mama.

They all just supported a child so devoted. And fueled my flame of love for the Mama. Yep. They did not chide me. They cover me with love and forgave it. And wished their child would love them half as much as I love my Mama who gave me away.

Don’t even. Trip about our past. That was just a story we lived while we waited for God to bring us back around. I wanted you to know that your honor was safe with me Mama. Always.

Awe,Mama….

Awe, Mama. I know you didn’t mean it, and wished you could take it back. And I understand as well as I can understand, you lost your mind for a minute… I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and just wanted it to be all better. I forgive you Mama. You were only 25, and Chelsie Lynn didn’t really do much better at saying goodbye to me than you did. I forgive you both, please forgive me…

We all make decisions that we hate. And I came home to set it right for ya. And to tell you I love you and to show you how much Mama. I know you were not yourself Mamas at that time in your life, not the you you wanted to be. I see. 

I also see your over compensations, as I looked around your house. Showing me you had changed and wanted me to find you and be proud of who you grew into. And I am… Now, don’t cry Mama. I know, walking through hell is no picnic. But I came home to escort you through hells fire. And bring you to the other side awake. And healed. 

Takes a while to rewrite the story and lay the old one to rest. And get your Mama to see… How God answered her prayers back in 63. Awe Mama, you can never hide from me, Ive been knowing you forever… I know who’s in there. You can’t fool me.

Papa Gerald came to me in a dream and he told me to tell you, he’s sorry, that he hurt you. He did not realize how bad until he got to the other side and began to learn his lessons, that he’s guided me through, for you. To repay you for all he had done that caused you to give me away. He said, “I was wrong, about you, pumpkin” “I was wrong a bout Huey.” “And sorry ain’t enough for what I put on you darling”, 

“But I’ve worked with your baby to help bring you through. And sent her the intel, I learned after my body expired, so that she could tell you, how much I love you and how proud of you I am”, “I apologize for not telling you”.” This little girl is Papa approved. Sent back two you from me. Forgive me.” “I knew not what I did.” “How could I have been so cold and unfeeling to hurt you?” “Please forgive me. I love you. And yes Mama’s with me, she doing quite well.”” NOW, please don’t worry darling, I met her at death and walked her to glory.” And we all met Phil when his time came, don’t worry, we will meet you when its your time, and its not now.” 

“Cuz Daddy’s sent a gift back to his child, with a note, that reads, please forgive me for the detour, but I got it after all and made it right pumpkin, my darling.” “Daddy loves you so, and yes so does Mama, she kisses you each night as always when she flies to your room and tucks you in, under the light of the moon”. Please receive this gift from Daddy, and enjoy her, she’s lovely, and true blue.” Thank you Papa. 

Mama, I do hear from them. I just stuffed it and tried to not use my gift. But Gran Gran insisted, cuz Jesus is her friend. She would not lead me astray, nor would Jesus. And I have always had a special connection with heaven Mama. How do you think I made it? Papa does love you, and believe it is him speaking. I really don’t like giving messages to doubters. 

Ive seen the way you look at me Mama. You melt and go weak at your knees. And, thats ok. You can touch me, I won’t push you away. You’ve always had a place within me, and now without me, on the outside of me for real. There is no need for fear, Mama. Ive come home to you. And new things don’t make sense. And Papa wanted to surprise you, and help you clean up the act… He caused you to make. please forgive him, he takes all the blame if there must be any. For guiding you to do such a thing, over and over. 

He didn’t know what he did back then to my Mama. And wanted you to have back your own daughter, and to be stronger than ever for knowing, that he helped train me to help you get over it. 

We will never be the same, and that is grand. For we all got a touch from Gods hand. As God stitched us all back together, stronger than ever. God always makes it right when we have gone left. Just believe that you are that worthy. Please. Lay the swords down, no war is coming, just love, and your daughter to love on her Mama…