Don’t even think I did not put my best foot forward growing up Mama.

The frustrations written from a Child’s point of view are madness enough, add taking my Mama to that list. Now put yourself there. Just sit there a minute. No auntie O, no Gran Gran, and Mama for you. No aunt hill to play with Marcia. No Marcia Mama.

No Moreland’s and Tidwell’s. No Daddy Gerald. And no me. Sit. Imagine it. Imagine all you ever knew, just being wiped out! Taken. Gone. No trace. No explanations. No. No one told me I knew you were gone. I waited until I was 3. Such a grand age to introduce me to Adoption. Oh. Ok. Adoptions done this to me?

But just take a moment. I’m sure you can go there. You’ve been there before in a different role. No going back. Or so they said? They. Whoever they are? Didn’t factor me into this lovely equation? Adoption tore me up from the floor up Mama. So I’ve got legs now.

To walk them right to you. You just can’t tear a child out of yourself like that Mama? It’s hurtful to us both is what I’m saying? As word by word like a snake charmer I call the pain up to me. My pain commands your pain to sit up. And to someone who’s stuffed it like you? Cuz God called my up and your is hooked to mine honey. We both going up.

In my world. I don’t leave Mama behind. I just keep flying by till she’s ready for my landing? Respect is earned. Is me waiting not respectful enough? Quiet people don’t go anywhere Mama. They just stand in line. They don’t lead it.

Are you trying to tell me by blocking that God’s not with us Mama? Is that it? Like where are you at with God Mama? Is this lesson to hard? Can I help you? Your voicemail box is full angina. And I can only suspect your not listening to my messages? Trying to explain?

Listen Mama. When god’s gonna bless you? It’s always chaos before. I’ve learned that Mama. Hang in there. Ok? I love ya.

This is the best foot. And this is the high road darling. The narrow road. The one God talks about. We walking the narrow road. There’s not to many here with us Mama. But they will be. Many will be helped by us Mama. Our story bring hope to many Mama. If I can get through we all can.

And we’ve done the hard work they can glean from Mama as we cut our wheat for this harvest. The wheat is our wisdom that we cut from our struggles. Lessons learned from our life journey apart. We have many.

Your heads just been twisted so long trying to see the world straight from a twisted idea like this? So many things you were unaware of about my side of this lovely coin here. Three sided coin. Sounds like a scam. Should have seen that coming? But we always have review and rearrange to fall back on.

I pray you read this? Mama Jean doesn’t. And she my Mama? And it hurts me. Cuz I’m writing now? And she should be so proud of me? But she doesn’t even know what I say? She didn’t talk to me about this much. Such a hard conversation to get going with a woman who’s raised you like her own? Yes. Strange indeed.

I love hearing stories of Adoptive parents that have done this vital work and talk to their kids about their parents and truly give a shit? I know she cares in her own way. But she’s not you Mama. No. I wish I could lie and just forget you. You amazing Mama you.

I know you have faults. I’ve got many of them Mama. You call them faults. But I call them challenges. You wonder how I can talk here about you like I do? I’ve been doing it for years. Trying to figure this shot out with no one to talk to about it? What? Am I supposed to ignore my hearts longing for my own Mama now? Is that what adoption is to you? Well. Not to me thank you.

I love you Mama. And to say that. Write that here is so damn freeing. To let go and just be me. The girl who loves you and who just loves you so much. I’ve always felt like this. So dramatic Like you. I wanna celebrate you? Visit you. Learn you more. Get all up in your grill? Is that bad? I don’t know what it is? I’m upset about us. I did it like it. So I did something about it. Even if it was wrong. At least I spoke up.

It is on you again and again. You can choose different this time and have something totally new if you want. God is the God of second third fourth and so on chances Mama. We either believe that or we don’t? Do you know how much I love you now? Have I given you enough evidence to grant me sanction back into the fold? Fold of your mind and soul that I belong in?

Mama. How long must I keep calling to you? How long must I wait? How much makeup do you need for heaven sakes woman? You look amazing!

I miss you. I really do. And I apologize for missing you so much. Wish I could just turn myself off but that would mean death. That’s the only way my body will be able to let you go. Death. And I’m not ready for death Mama. Until you come around my life’s on hold. I can’t preach to anyone with us like this? What a wreck?

See guys? Volumes of love trapped inside me gushing out? Why? Reroute me?

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