Why I speak up now.

Being Adopted is weird.

Reuniting with your own Mama is weirder.

And very confusing for everyone involved.

26 years in reunion. That’s one more year old than when we parted.

And after the numbness stopped. After all the fan fair stopped. Phone calls stopped. Everything stopped. And I watched my family just go on, as if, I was never there.

It hit me. And yes. It took that long to hit me. Do you know something I don’t? Cuz there are not many who can give the account of what a reunions should, could or would look like for me and Mama. Nope.

So Mama and me are on new ground for us both. And both all twisted up and turned around and lied too by strangers trying to help.

It’s time to help ourselves. That’s what I saw. Getting to that place is our story. Getting back in line with each other is our destiny. Why would God want her to die without me by her side? Tell me why? Tell me why should would not want to cook with me? And walk with me? And laugh with me? Hmmm?

Grief. Unprocessed grief and it has taken her this long to realize she doesn’t have to grieve anymore. Not unless she’s like too? I mean she can hide and block. But why? And really. There is no reason why that’s good enough for god who’s trying to bless the poor woman?

But all she sees is a failure. And it’s time to stop that kind of mind game. To fail is to quit. We are not quitters Mama. No. We see it through even if it’s changes. I did? You change it all up on me? And yourself? And we can change it again. No game no fowl unless we say so.

Would Mama Jean want me to reject my Mama. No. She’s seen what my Mama rejecting me did to me. Mama didn’t really realize she had rejected me and herself back in the day. She was so young. She found out later when the shit hit her fan and the pain became real and she had to begin to tell her stories. Stories to calm herself when the feelings hit her. The hole left was deep. I may have been small. But my Mama body carried a big energy inside her. Someone who would grow up to be her best friend.

She carried her own champion. Sent me off to learn what we needed to know to bring it back to her. And so I have. And it’s not what’s she thought it was. At first it all looked like a mess. But as I go along and bleed that pain out of her with my words of truth she’s can see. What God sent her was real and loves her so dearly.

Listen folks. We’ve both been many miles without each other. These things take time. My Mamas patients is thin. She’d been feeling her pain a long time and could hide that from me? Not me from her. We’ve been stuck. Stuck in an old way an old script? And we needed a revival. A good holy ghost revival to kick our dust off and get God flowing up in here with us.

God can not thrive in pain. And we were not thriving. And mama had not gotten support. Who do you go too that gets it? No one!!!!!!! I’ve looked!!!!! Geez Louis. I’m clearing this damn air here if no ones gonna!! People just stand around with their tongues hanging out!! Duh! It’s time to get to it! Family is important. My sisters and children are important. And yes. I need to say it a lot!! I’m 50+ years behind of my love and praise!!

My kids need this. They need to see me do this to learn the meaning of family? I’m adopted for god sakes. I have a reputation to uphold for two woman! Lord. That’s a lot on my plate! Mama is my plate. Mama Jeans on my plate! Ok? Get it right!!

My Mama is worth this fight with the adoption mindset that was placed inside that wonderful woman? Lord have mercy. Mama just hasn’t realized the resistance I’ve felt about her? How people have tried to turn me away? Why? And then God’s leading me back? Who do you trust? I trust god.

Listen that folks have dogged my Mama? Dogged me! You talking about my Mama! You talking about me. And no child let’s that slide. Not even an abandoned orphan! Ok? I’m setting this record straight. I always wanted Mama back!! Not cuz I hate Mama Jean!! But because I love my Mama! How simple can it be and how complicated can Adoption rules make it? Complicated. Very. So complicated I need mental health training to do it.

And if I can stop on Mama from doing this to herself in the future? I’ve paid my debt to my own Mama. Yes. If I save one I’ve saved many to come. And have changed a pattern in my own DNA pool. Adoption seems like a blessing, until you go home and find your family so misinformed and turned around? On the back end it’s a curse unless we unite.

Adoption and the devil win if Mama and I don’t unite. And my Mama does not want the devil to win. And she needs to see that I am not the devil? I’m the devils advocate. Showing us all the error of the way we all travel and a better way to travel in our future. If. God gets me through. And I have no doubt there. This win is for us all. The future and the past.

Adoptees need this story to end well. United. They are watching me. Silently watching me. Checking in. And watching if this way works. We all want to go home. And make it stick. No more of this separation syndrome. No more blocking your own child. No more sisters calling me names. Cuz she doesn’t understand and never asked me? Ask. Great word. Use it.

Silence says nothing. And a lot. My family had no understanding about adoption. Two kids adopted out of the family that I know of? Seems strange to just be so uninformed about something your connected too? But that’s Adoption for ya! No need to pay attention. Your child will not even remember your name? Lol. Except God renamed me after my Mama. Kind of funny God is.

I remembered more than her name. I remember her being. Her way. Her gate. Her candor. Her laugh. Her cry. Her humor. Her everything. I carried like a mule for her. Candles? Torch? How about a bonfire? Lit for her soul inside of me? One I could not put out? I tried! Lord knows why I don’t know?

Adoption told me too. Forget her. She doesn’t care. She’s a looser like you. Yeah. What a bully. But I faced that bully. And popped my Mama on the head to make him leave her mind too! Go! You don’t belong here you beast!! Leave my Mama! Go! Lies. Go pain! Go grief!! Go confusion! Go misunderstandings!! Go!!

And come Holy Spirit. I need you. Come sweet spirit I pray. Come in thy strength and thy power. And come in thine own special way.

  • Amen.
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