my Dad loved Mama like this. When I hear certain songs. It brings up a feeling that I know isn’t mine. And back in the day. Mama was 25. And I do feel my Daddy was really taken with her. Yet a man unable to express it well.
Cuz the fire burning in me I know is from him and that God just fuels it too. When you’re separated from you family. It’s like they all come alive inside you to help you make it. It’s feels like adrenaline and it’s like everything fades away for a moment. And all you can feel is their love and encouragement from within you. Telling you to not give up when it hurts so bad. When people tear you down and don’t realize what they say?
And I can’t u love Mama. I’ve tried. And it hurts. This is true. Because it’s not natural for me to do that. Not even when death comes and takes the body and releases the spirit. You can’t I love someone? You can rename it hate? But the opposite of hate is love so? It still adds up to love. We hate separations. We all do. We hate goodbyes.
Adoption leaves a mark. Good yes are hard after you’ve said goodbye to your baby? And your Mama. They freak you out so bad they get in the way of enjoying hello. Hello now means goodbye will come. And when a goodbye is so horrific and intense as mine with my Mama? Hello is scary too. But without hello? Where can love go? It’s part of this life. Hello. Goodbye. Hello again.
It’s a dance. And maybe Mama has not been dancing in a while? And I just threw her on the floor here with me and started to dance. Dance away those ideas. Two step. Stomp away the blues. Take a sip of your drink. Hurry. I’m twirling you around again girl! You fine as wine! Let me show you off girl. Let’s brush the years off it’s been a long time baby. Let me Pull you close and smell you. Then let me twirl you around so everyone else can smell ya! She’s going home with me!! I’ll yell and laugh. As the music of our hearts plays on and on and we dance our way unto our better tomorrow because we chose to dance it away today. Get our blood pumping old school darling. Let me spin you at round and show you off Pretty Mama.
You’re still amazing. Look into my eyes darling. See it there in the crystal blue ocean of me. The beauty of you. Shining back at you through me. Take heart Mama. Take my heart. Put me in the place you keep all things precious. And give me yours. Oh. I’ve already got it now don’t I? And you’ve got mine.
Come here Mama dear let me hold you close. Let me twirl you around and show you off now that you’re all cleaned off from yesterday’s worries.
Guys? It’s hard to reunite with your daughter when your still upset at the father. Ok? You must work it out. And say what he didn’t say but you know he felt? Men aren’t taught to talk and express feelings well. They suck a lot. My sons different like that. Raised in a house filled with woman he learned how to talk. Yes.
He looks a lot like my Daddy when he was young. Good looking. And he’s been trained by me, Mama Jean who’s tough and my daughters who love him, to be a better man. I take righting something to the next level guys. Change the future. And he’s good stock and learned. Some men are just not gonna get it? David gets it.
I want Mama to know him. It’s like Huey twice removed. She needs to see what Huey turned out like in us all? I’m doing what he should have done. Jan 1, 1963 he went into the army. 7 days before my birth. Wow. Didn’t have a clue? What he was walking away from?
I was told Mama found out after he was gone but that’s not possible? So the story is always changing.
What’s the real story? From Mamas lips? I know how I feel. And my Dad loves her a lot? Had deep feelings for that woman? He must have really sucked at showing it? She must have been scared by that love? What happened to them? Why? Why? Why?
Ugh. I hate unfinished stories. I truly do. I’ve worked so hard to get to the story about how I came to be? I’ve considered all angles to prepare myself? Like people think it’s just the records. And medical. It’s way deeper guys. It’s identifying. Identity. Recognizing. Validating.
It is like accounting. I’ll not lie about that. And my accounting needs her accounting to help us both restore balance.
Mama must have been hurt real bad to fight me like she is. And I’m working to help her see it wasn’t me. And that I came to love her. That I am not my Daddy. That I am the best of them both all rolled into one with new programming to help. Mama Jean and Daddy Elmer. I watch them and learned about Mama and Daddy.
It’s like God didn’t change a thing except the players. They divorced. Like Mama and Daddy. Listen. Sex is marriage. Consummation is marriage. The rest is paperwork and government rules. And they both gave up on each other. And I was on the way.
My A parents fought and divorced. And they were not more mature than my original parents? They didn’t think about me? They thought about themselves and protecting their Egos. They let me down too. But that’s life. I’ve given up. I’ve been given up on. I’ve never stopped loving any man I married. That’s just stupid. It’s like saying I was a dumbass for loving. We all come to love.
And people are raised different. They get hurt growing up and end up hitting on the hurts of who they love. It’s a pattern of wounding. A pattern I’m am working to change with Mama. We beat ourselves up for mistakes. Mama has not been acting like some spring bird in the tree if life chirping people? So? She’s hurt. Or she would have been running at the door to greet me? She would not be calling people to come and slam doors in my face and call me names?
She’s been thinking she could scare me away when it’s her thoughts about me that need scaring away? Those thoughts I expose here. People think exposing means something mean? Nurse expose wounds all day and dress them? Calm down. This is not a death sentence here? It’s surgical removal of lies in us all? I’ve had my lies too? And I tell it all so folks can tell me? But no ones telling me? They seem to be pouting? Sulking? Blocking? You can’t block God’s will honeys.
God’s will is that we be whole. United. At peace. Integrated. And thriving for his glory and not our own? This is all for God’s glory folks. Get that straight. We can pick all day at words. She said this? He said that. And I’m picking through it and sorting it out. Why? Cuz it matters to my Mama that it’s all ironed out. Pressed and folded and put away.
I simply can’t wait another minute. But I will. I’ll keep writing my love letters here. I’ll woe her in? Daddy may have not been good at that? But I’m not him. Linda’s in her telling me how too. And I’m listening.
Not many Adoptees have done such deep mental, spiritual work, and soul work like me. I’ve got energies tagged. Ready for identification, filing and closing the books on this chapter. Nothing left unsaid and no regrets Mama. We learning our lessons. Cuz we Be Linda’s. Linda’s Rock. Belinda’s!! Well there are not many of us?
- There are 97,006 people in the U.S. with the first name Belinda.
- Statistically the 563rd most popular first name.
God did good.
When we get past the past we can clearly see it.