Going home to an empty Mama is rough. What do I mean by empty. Well? She was filled with no support for me. Why? Because no one supported her to keep me? She was filled with emptiness and lack of value. Lack of value for me? And lack of value in herself. She was a empty vessel filled with nothing. No one helped her. Really.
Maybe that’s why Gran Gran came through earlier? Maybe and I do believe so, she’s saying I apologize honey. I missed it by a mile and let you down. Cuz I know I’m filled with love. More than I need. And the only one I want to share it with right now is Mama. I’ve shared my love with everyone else. Now it’s her turn to get filled up.
Mama could support me? Who supported her? Her support was to give me away and forgot it never happened. And we all can clearly see that advice wasn’t helpful at all. No. Way off. So how could see support me her child who by default was not supported either? Well. She sits a a table and reads all she can to fill herself up with words of love. This is true. But Mama needs a walking living breathing scripture to read these days. Paper ain’t getting it for sure.
And maybe walking scriptures are weird and novel. But I’ve worked hard to be God’s hands and arms my whole life. Why would Mama be any more work? No work. I feel when we sign on with God for real we sign on for a job. To be God to someone. I’ve shown so many hurting people love? People who beat their kids and neglected them? Cooked food and just listened. When no one else could even get in the door? Then have them tell me when I move they would miss me and that I changed them somehow? I love that about being God’s hands.
My Mama was empty of my love. Or so she thought? She didn’t realize how many messages I sent her. How many God’s made me remember to tell her. I feel like a switchboard operates. Sending messages. That’s how it was for me. Always thinking about Mama. And not even knowing her name was my name and spoken over me my who life? Wow! That’s god for ya.
Listen worth is worth. And pain is pain. When your cut off from someone who’s worth a damn lot to you!! I guess Mamas been beatin herself up a long time. Inside that head of hers where she thought no one could see? Sept me? And God who showed me what to look for.
I am way more than she expected. That’s a for sure. I’m way deeper. Way more emotional. Way more verbal. And I don’t mince my words. Which kind of threw her off a bit I guess?? Like a tornado of love I guess? Took her breath way so she couldn’t even speak! But. Tornados do have a good purpose when shit needs to be moved? And we need to wake up.
The tower moment inevitable for us. What goes up comes down. What’s hidden shall be found. All that jazz. And the pearl in it all beyond the rubble. Love.