Being forced by your Mama at birth to turn away and send her love to another is what was asked of me. I feel from all our Mamas. Yes. And folks can just scratch their mad place if they think Mama wanted us to not be revived well? She wanted us all to be appreciated?
That’s a twisted fact. And Adoption played on that supposed weakness. And took and gave us to someone new. Fact.
A perfect relationship was torn up. For me at least. And I was forced into a threesome from hell trying love love two woman? Like thanks for giving me my Daddy’s fate?
It feels like your Mama just throw you to someone else as if to say, “fine, you think so low of us, let someone else raise what we made!” Yeah. Kind of feels like that.
I know what everyone said it should feel like. I know. But I did not feel any of that. No. I just felt torn in half. And still do. By two woman. When will woman come together? Does it take a tore up orphaned adoptee to drive this home? I’m tired. And all I wants to sip tea with my Mama? Like everyone else should be doing? She precious.
Even if she couldn’t face watching what they made grow up without him? She did level the playing field for sure. But knock knock. I get a turn. And I was that ball of love your threw out into the world. Give me that bat Mama. I’m a home run girl. Always. And your wish happened. I grew up without ya both.
Now. Would ya like to just know what was made from you two? Would ya like to see what God did with those pieces of you both? Can you move your hands? The storm is me that’s blowing it all away Mama. Shining like that star you made in 1962. And shining on you.
With a love so bright. Hell ran for the caves. Screamed like a bitch! Escaped the minds. Perfect love cast hell out. Cuz loves come home.
Mama felt turned on her ear the day I left her. Now she’s been turned back upright. Takes time to get used to being balanced. That’s what a leg does for a table. Daughters and sons are legs to their Mamas table. Mama needed an extra leg. She got used to only three.
Don’t even think Mama didn’t want to know? She did. Did she understand? No. Did I explain it to her? Yes. Have I forgiven her? Yes. People that don’t forgive block and don’t communicate? Do I love my Mama? Yes. Do I love us like this? No. Do I love my sisters? Yes. Do I hate that we are all wacky like this? No.
I am the only one at this chalk board right now? They seem be to busy to give a shit about family? Do I love them anyway? Yes. Am I upset they don’t care? Yes.
If I can love a complete stranger at birth? They should love the sister that did? Did they? Do they? From their actions? Or lack of actions it appears they dont? And that would not be learning the lesson at all is it? Why should they get away with being rude to family when I was not allowed to be rude to a stranger? Treated her better than Mama!
I was angry with Mama growing up. Nothing made sense. And no her to ask? So frustrating. Did you all no get to ask her for help? Huh?
She made dresses and did brownie with you? Mine did not? Nor was she Mama? To not accept that my life felt like it did does not deny that I felt that way? It just shows me the depth of the denial in us all to a fact. And shows me that Mama denied a lot. It shows on all you girls or much denial there has been between us.
There’s one thing that remains. Love is real. Even if your raised by someone else. You love your sisters and brothers and family. No matter what. And I won’t deny that fact.
After business has closed. I love them. I’m upset about my family’s response to me. Mama Jean could not prepare me for rejection again. But to deny my urge I would have denied myself. And that’s my point and lesson. I learned from my Mama. She rejected me. But I did not reject myself.
She would not want me to whither in her presence. She would want me to
Shine bright, even against my sisters jeers and insults. I showed her what I learned. She was impressed. I saw that. Victoria was to busy fuming and name calling, and looking down after she was done to see the pride in Mamas eyes as I took it right in front of her eyes. And she could see her own trench in my eyes looking back at her saying, “I never gave up on you and you will eat those words”. And love the way that they taste.
So what she wrong? So what she good track? Should I leave her there? No. And most Adoptees do? One or the other they leave due to lack of flexibility. Fact. And my Mama swallowed a lot of bull. A lot. Which takes sorting out and communication. All her wires were crossed the day we split. She split. Part of her checked out stamped shameful, unworthy.
That’s what my surgeons knife if truth is cutting out of her mind. She’s worthy of me. But she won’t see it if she won’t see it? She got to believe? This is no scam. The scam was Adoption. Nothing makes sense after that event. But does when back together. It’s delicate work. Mental work. Mamas got a lot of false beliefs about me and Adoption. Which is nothing more than brainwashing.
Telling her the truth turned her on her other ear. Now she knows the full truth mixed with the truth she stuffed? My shit coming up made her shit come up. Which scared her half to death. Cuz she couldn’t push it down and neither could I. But thank God for my Dads chaos handling genetics, and God’s word with two now God fearing parents in their own right, I have braved this storm beside her side. Mind body and spirit.
She felt alone. Chose to be alone. But was not alone. Ever since my birth. As God as my witness and this blogs testimony. I held onto her. She needed my love. And she know knows what I went through to give it to two woman. Everyone’s included in my party. Even if they don’t show up. They are included. Always.
Even though my Mama wasn’t there at each moment I want her to be. I remembered her. Many times it was hard. Mama Jean tried to calm me. But it was Mama who always Calmed me really. I just went within and asked her to pay for me. And beloved she did. And I felt better and could go on.
Being separated from her seemed to affect my nervous system. Although it would take me years if studying my own actions to figure this out. When anxiety gets you? It’s just takes over and it takes much work to change. As well as anger. I’ve worked in anger for years and now blog my feelings so they don’t build up and come out when I don’t want them too.